Met a new person tonight. We talked about many interesting things… things that I talk about with so few people, Natasha, Nell, Molly sometimes, my mom. We talked about rape. He told me about a friend of his in prison in deer lodge for vehicular manslaughter after an accident that left the passenger in his car (his best friend) dead. He got 7 years. I told him about Chaz. I told him how I thought it was so insane and FUCKED that Chaz got a mere three more years than this person who accidentally “killed” their best friend, who will be living in REAL agony and pain and anguish (maybe I am being dramatic because I have a best friend and I would honestly probably just end it all right then and there if something like that ever happened), rather than giving Chaz say at least a fucking transfer to California to get him out of our state (just away, just get the fuck out). Anyways. There’s not much else to say because it makes sense that this guy got 7 years because that’s just what the system DOES because… our system wants us to work. Maybe they did it to prove a point. He was drunk when it happened.
The conversation became him and I after that I guess, our experiences with rape, maybe the word “rape” is like fire… it spreads when you say it, you know. When you talk about it, others do too. I’ll say first that this person is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 3 years. He said, “Please stop me if this sounds bizarre or weird. But I have been thinking lately… and please, really, stop me if this is weird.” Kept hesitating, maybe wishing he hadn’t said anything. “But I think of the times that I was blackout drunk, waking up next to someone I didn’t know, wondering how she got in my bed.” He explained how there had been so many instances of these blackout times that he can’t remember even one at this point, it all just feels like a fog. He explained he’s scared he may have raped one of these women he doesn’t remember. As he explained… I don’t know. I thought of what I had been taught. His body language, hesitation, (visual) sincere concern/apologetic-ness, all lead me to believe that he was truly sorry and confused about this.
I told him how I was at the other end… I told him I had been raped, and that as I also get older, I am remembering more and feeling more emotions about what really happened. The fact is with my memories is that they are so choppy. But the flashes I do have aren’t very good. I told him I was thinking of contacting one of them and asking what his side of it is. But that could just end up turning out so badly. I believe and hope maybe one day I will find clarity in my confusion with this, it’s only seeming to get bigger. I told him I understood.
We talked about this for a while. Felt a little sick afterwards, but also calm and glad that I was able to say that out loud to someone and not feel like running away afterwards.
Conversing is so good for me. Good for everyone.