How Baekhyun.. May have changed my life... [Please Read]
Please read this… I promise you its really worth the read.
So, If any of you know me personally.. You’d know I have an extreme love hate relationship with Baekhyun over the past 3 years.
It’s not that I never liked him its just he use to rub me the wrong way and most of it is my own fault.
I think you all remember the so called “secret” staff member when exo debuted that Baekhyun was how do I say this nicely… Well, An asshole.
I was one of those fans that believed almost every word of it, and I judged Baekhyun’s personality Solely on bullshit and lies.
He did over the 1st year showcase his asshole tendencies, and it really pissed me off, the way he’d act toward members his attitude and his less the comparable comments on things I felt were way out of line. So I had more of a reason to dislike him, but I never hated him. It’s just he was far from my style.
So during “Wolf” era and “Growl” he still maintained this nasty ora about him, that made me just hate his guts. Yes “hate”, I couldn’t explain why I disliked it so much, how he’d point out things that one you shouldn’t do infront of people and two how he thought it was okay to make people feel like crap, even if he felt it was funny.
It also didn’t help he was so fucking loud, and I tried figuring out why I hated him so much fucking over the past few days.. is he is like my mother in so many ways only my mother did this to be cruel and in a unhealthy way, and not to make people smile.
Over the past year, I’d say a lot has changed on how I feel about Baekhyun.. I really have come to love him so much, I felt I never gave him a chance and I only wanted a reason to hate him, because of my own flaws and and mistakes. I was angry at the wrong person per say.
I remember I spoke Ill of Baekhyun’s character. I remember the first K-POP album I received was the XOXO album, I never brought K-POP albums before because for what ever reason I never did. Anyways, I brought both versions and I received Kris my UB and Baekhyun. I remember being so angry for receiving Baekhyun that I started to dislike him even more. I felt like I couldn’t stand his presence and his face. I was discussed of him.
It also didn’t help seeing his interviews and attitude just kept rubbing me the wrong way. I know what your thinking its a photo card, you don’t know Baekhyun.. around this time I was going through a lot with my mother and family and it didn’t help I pinned most of my anger on someone I didn’t know.
So when growl came out surprise surprise I get Baekhyun not once but twice because I felt they accidentally gave me two.. and once again I was angry and I wasn’t happy…
I remember a friend and I talked about members we wouldn’t want to be trapped in a room with and I said Baekhyun… and I remember saying I know he’d make fun of me and how I looked or pick on my flaws. I remember being so angry at my mother at the time that I said, “I wouldn’t piss on him even if he was on fire, I’d probably beat his ass with a baseball bat”. To my friends that was funny, but to me I was serious. I never knew I had such anger toward someone I didn’t know.
I feel showtime for me was a small blessing in disguise, because I haven’t talked to my mother in I’d say 4 months since and I felt like I knew Baekhyun a bit better, still and Asshole, but loving.. funny an charismatic. I started to care about him and stopped having this pinned up anger towards him…
I saw him a Byun Baekhyun an not that asshole in EXO…
So, 2014 hits and for me it was such a trying year for my real life. I lost my father a month before Kris left… the previous year I was already dealing with cutting, and a eating disorder and my mother making me feel worthless. School wasn’t going well and nothing seemed to go right for me. EXO means a lot to me personally because they helped me though a lot when people in my own life would brush me off and not take me serious.
Sort of how I treated Baekhyun. So when my dad died it was terrible worst time in my life, and when Kris left I just felt everything I cared about was leaving and on top of that my mother had a heart attack and I just felt nothing and no one can understand how terrible shit was going for me.
I didn’t want to eat of talk.. long story short I was depressed, I was also fired from my job the day I found out my dad passed. So my whole world was crashing… It sucked. It really did, but I was so strong for everyone else that I lost myself.
So, I doubt if you guys remember but I remember before the Tae incident Baekhyun followed an American Actress .. can’t remember her name [edit later if I do] and everyone went and attacked her and called her name. I remember coming for his defence even with a lot going on telling people to not attack him, to understand him and he’s a fan… I never really cared for him and wanting to protect him, but I did usually I’d ignore that ignorance but I couldn’t.. Fast Forward to his “Dating Scandal” and I defended him, I wanted to have his back.
I did when he started to no be himself and he stopped posting on insta, I was still having a hard time and I remember commenting on his insta, once a month be strong, and smile… just hoping he’d be ok.
I never knew I cared about the kid because I felt he was going through a lot and I could relate to someone dealing with a lot, and I would think “wow” this kid isn’t the much of an asshole I understand him, I felt him and I wanted to know he was okay.
So when he started commenting to fans he reminded me much of myself, afraid to let people in fear of being hurt but wanting to know he’s still loved. Sort of what I wanted from my mom, even though I knew she’d say things to hurt me I always knew she has time where she is a mom and she does care, yet I can never fully accept it, but I could never hate her… even though my whole family doesn’t like her, she’s still my mother I could never ever hate her.
So I started to appreciate him more and care for him more, kid get lots of shit but If people understood him and he takes away that asshole exterior and keeps showing his heart.. he’d get some much more love and understanding. Which is when the EXO’LuXion concert happened and he broke down and cried…
I kid you not that was the first time I’ve cried in almost a year. I almost never cry. I always say crying doesn’t make you weak, it makes you stronger and strong enough to let what’s hurting you go. My mother is now ok, but we haven’t talk in 4 months and it was through a text message saying “Merry Christmas” I’ve accepted that I will never have a relationship with my mother, and I guess I’m okay with that, but what isn’t okay is keeping what hurting you bottled up. I was finally okay with letting that all go. It was because of him, and it’s strange I know, but he was their to confront everyone, just how I was when I was at my father funeral. Refusing to cry but cheering people up… much like Baekhyun was and the one day, you have this support that people love, and they are here to protect you and I finally just let it all go.
I have a different love him know. He really has grown and matured so much that I wish my mother would try, but like I said… I’ve excepted that some people never change or grow, and I really love Baekhyun for helping me move on in a stage in my life and he has no idea how much he means to me for that.
I wish I could apologize for thinking of him in such a Ill mannered way, but he’s really opened my eyes in 1 year more then my mother has in 23 and he’s an Idol… and my mother is my mother. That saids a lot about someone doesn’t it.