teenuhhx3

I don't get it. He used to treat me great, then it stopped. Then he was a selfish asshole who treated me like I was the lowest of low. So after all that, why do I still think about you sometimes? I go days and weeks but then all of a sudden you're back in my head. Is it because I miss the way it used to be in the beginning; when you were so nice and warm, funny and charming, engaging and mysterious, even talkative. That was the guy I had fallen for. I wish I could've left before the bad creeped up, but I stayed through the entire journey until it drove us both in opposite directions. I get who you are now, so why are you still in my head?? II'M SICK OF THIS!!!!!
There are things that I wish I could say, that I wish I could scream. There are times when I want to be sad, upset, mad, angry, furious. There are times when I want to cry softly or just sob uncontrollably. There are times when it just becomes too impossible to care about anything and everything. There is so much bottled up inside and no way to get it out. I'm hurt and broken and left to just deal with it. How do you heal a broken heart that's been broken for so long? Is this depression? Because it feels like I'm trapped in this misery with no way out.
Even though you've moved on; even if thoughts and memories slowly fade away, and even though you can say their name or talk about stories that involved them, it still hurts - even just a bit - when you find out they've moved on too. As much as you say you want them to be happy, and even if you truly mean it when you say it, you somehow wish they weren't because you'll hurt all over again. You'll know that you weren't enough. You'll look at yourself and look at their partner always comparing. You'll drive yourself mentally mad because you dont want to outburst in public...so you pretend to be cool and save face infront of your family, friends, and strangers. Even if it's been days, months, years since you last spoke or saw or thought about them, knowing that you cared for that person so deeply and then to see them happy with someone else knowing that it could never be you to put them in that state just...hurts.
So a few weeks ago - while I'm on Facebook - I see on my newsfeed that my ex changed his relationship status to single again. I go on his Instagram page to see if there was an update there. In his description it used to say "taken" and now it doesn't. A few weeks later he messages me talking about the past and how good it used to be between us. Psshh pathetic. I may still be single but I've definitely moved on! He don't appeal to me anymore. I even told him so. I got my head on straight and I'm not looking back. You had it real good and you blew it; there's no way back from that. Lol smh!

I’m thinking about cutting my hair shoulder length. My hair now is right on the top of my butt. It took like two years to reach there (with a few trims to rid the dead ends). I wanted to grow my hair out to reach the low end of my back, not only because I think I look great with it, bit because of my ridiculous habit. When I’m bored or nervous or intrigued or whatever, I tend to touch the ends of my hair. People have called me out on it and thought it was annoying. So to avoid those comments and stares, I figured if I grew my hair out loooonnggg, I could play with my hair behind my back. And that’s what I did. It looks gorgeous now and I can do a lot of hairstyles that I couldn’t  with short hair. Now I’m thinking of cutting it again…to the same spot I cut it two years ago. Wait. Knowing it took two years of healthy growing and trimming I still wanna cut it? After all the “I wish i had my long hair back” statements I made I wanna do this all over again? I don’t know. Maybe….no wait, no. Nevermind. I retract my previous thought.

I know who you used to be and I know who you are now. I got to know both but the man you've become now is just sad. Weed, alcohol, the night life, and hanging out with low-lifes is NOT a life; it's just plain ol' sad to see this guy who had the potential for greatness to then throw it away for what? For your so-called "friends?" For this so-called "night/party life?" THAT lifestyle will get you nowhere. It'll drive you towards destruction and misery. That's no way to live. Get back in touch with who you really are. Dig waaaay deep inside - to where you hid your true identity - and let him shine.
I thought I loved him. I thought I was in love with everything about him. I had convinced myself that my feelings and emotions were that of true love, but I was wrong. The more I analyze everything about our friendship, relationship, friends-with-benefits-ship the more I realize the true nature of it all. I gave my all: I cared, consoled, listened, nurtured, was generous, gave my body up to you and you never saw the good that was right in front of you. I got out of my comfort zone to please you. I put you and your wants and needs first before mine. I came over when you asked and never hastled you about your life away from me. I was good to you and you turned your back on me. I did everything I could've done but it was never enough. I still stayed though, right by your side. I still kept my feelings at bay, but they were still at the surface if you bothered to look into my eyes, if you bothered to feel my heart. I was there all along while everyone else turned their back on you. While you were starving for their attention, I was starving for yours. I wanted you to see how I felt, because I loved you...not matter what. I thought it was love then, but I realize now that it was a longing pain not love. Love has endured much worse in nother people's situations, but what I was feeling was somewhere between "strong like" and "love." Right in the middle. I look back and remember all the hurt and pain I suffered, all the tears I've shed for you. That was suffering not love. Love is something beautiful but what I felt wasn't. After talking to you many hours ago and getting a tiny bit of closure from you, I can now say that I've burried you deep down in the dungeon of my heart and threw away the key. I will never look back and think of what was or what could've been. The "what if's" stop now. The past is the past and must stay there. The old me is dead and gone, and now the new me is emerging. It's now time to focus on the present and the near future and see how life turns out.
Had a dream about my ex-boyfriend last night. Dreamed that we actually talked like we were normal friends. We let it all out and I got closure. Seemed too good to be true, and then I woke up. Lo and behold, he messages me today. We talk for some time but not like it was in the dream. He just wanted to bring up our previous "friends with benefits" relationship while I just wanted to talk merely as old friends. It was awkward and he gave off a disinterested vibe when I hinted that I wouldn't be engaging in any sexual behavior. Just went downhill from there. The optimist in me says "at least you got to talk to him" but the pesemist in me says "you did it again. You didn't tell him anything and worried about him instead of you." Smh! I probably won't get that chance again but at least I know he's okay. Since that's the only form of closure I'll get, I'll take it.