tears-on-my-face

Look in my reflection
Ruined mascara cause I can’t have you
Tears pouring down my face
My heart won’t race
I miss you
I’m trying to find you
I can’t find you
My heart is breaking
I need to rewind time, tell you everything on my mind
My heart is broken
There’s so much I didn’t say, there’s so much I needed to say
Why didn’t I stay? I think about running away, running away to you
I’m on the run away to find you
Can’t you see? We’re meant to be
I didn’t say anything when I had the chance, I knew my voice was going to shake and my legs were going to break
But it didn’t matter, it doesn’t matter now
I should’ve just said everything on my mind
You’re in brain all the time but darling I don’t even think you swim in my lane
Oh, I’m shaking
Everything, I feel everything breaking
I always believed in soul mates
But now I believe that sometimes the things you need the most have a funny way of not working out
It shouldn’t be this way, you stole my heart but I can’t even have yours Things you want shouldn’t work out, not things you need, I need you
My hearts bleeding I feel it bleeding
I don’t know how to go on without you since I met you
What about this connection? I know you felt it too
You can’t look me in the eyes and tell me your heart didn’t melt like mine did
We connected, why can’t we connect more?
There’s so much I didn’t say, there’s so much I needed to say
Why didn’t I stay? I think about running away, running away to you
I’m on the run away to find you
Nothing can stop me
No amount of stars, hours, the age, and distance between us
Nothing can stop me
Only you can stop me
Please don’t stop me
Kat you can call me crazy
Maybe I’ve been crazy along
Maybe that’s why I’m a writer
But baby I’m crazy for you
I don’t want to live another day without you
I’m falling apart
I’m lost without you
I can’t go on without you
I want you in my life
I need you in my life
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry I’m not what you want
I’m not what you need
But baby
You’re what I want
You’re what I need
Call me crazy
Baby call me crazy
Kat I’m crazy
But you’re what I wanted
You’re what I need

I listened to this recent lecture of Abu Idrees Muhammad حفظه الله which is relevant due to the arrival of Ramadan, and within 5 minutes of it tears were strolling down my face.

Ya Allah, Allow us to reach Ramadan for we are not guaranteed it, even it is just around the corner except by your will.

Ya Allah Do not take our souls until you are pleased with us and  protect us from the punishment of the grave. Ameen


Take some time out to listen to this bi’ithnillah

http://www.salafisounds.com/approaching-of-ramadhan-and-the-severity-of-wasting-time-by-abu-idrees/

Sat all by sorrows and lonesome…

…in the silent nighttime solitude under the moonlight;

All of a sudden your face blossomed…

…through the tears got to running over my face;

I came to see I am still in love.

LIVESOS MAKES ME CRY OK BC IM SEEING THEM LIVE SOON AND I CANT WAIT BUT I HAVE 7 EXAMS BEFORE I SEE THEM AND MY FEELINGS ARE CONFLICTED IM LIKE FUCK THIS SHIT IM OUT OF HERE AND OMFG YEAH LETS DO THIS FOR THE BOYS AND IM FEELING TOO HARD AND IM LISTENING TO EVERYTHING I DIDNT SAY (MY FAV) AND TEARS ARE RUNNING DOWN MY FACE SOMEBODY SEND HELP PLEASE MY CHEST IS HURTING FUCK YOU 5SOS FOR DOING THIS TO ME I FUCKING LOVE YOU ALL

What has my mind become?

I cannot describe what I feel, and yet I need to try

I need to get this out here

I need the space for other thoughts

So silly

I keep telling myself

So desperate

I sigh

Nothing can change my thoughts

There is nothing I would rather think

Is it part of me?

a part I yearn for

a part I cannot handle

Is this what caused the problem?

While new, they changed my day

I remain

Thoughts replaced thoughts

Doubt resists such change

The doubt I should be feeling this

The doubt in hope

My day goes by

I am falling through time

Regaining consciousness at night

Wondering

Where did the time go again?

I am distracted

Think!

Focus!

It is the best distraction I can imagine

At times,

I may need to stop

Pause the day

Pause my life

Pause Time

I need to give in

At that moment

Breaking down in tears

I feel warmth

Not the warmth streaming down my face

No

Fulfilled by strange comfort

I feel happier than ever

It lacks sense

I fear I lost control

There used to be a blackness that filled me

my air

night and day

gone now,

it is all better

merely grey remains

It is good

But is it really?

Before

I knew what I felt

I knew how to deal with it

I knew how others felt

Now?

Now all this is gone

The certainty I had before

Combining these two

this newfound struggle

and

reassurance

Impossible

I do not know

How?

I have no idea what to do

In desperate need to regain control

Do I stay?

Thrown back and forth between the unlikely companions of

Dark and light?

I am not sure of anything I feel

It is not supposed to go this way

Is it?

I am not sure

Do my feelings stand a chance?

Should I force myself to forget?

Should I give up?

This disagrees with what I taught myself

Before

giving up would surely have been my end

I kept going

Fighting for what I needed

Was this effort worth it?

After all

It has led me to this point

A development I am afraid to trust

It feels like a peak

But any peak leads to

Instability

Collapse

There is no space for me up here

Thin as a needle

Unyielding

It pierces me as I try to stay

As I try to balance,

I hurt

Is it really what it is coming to?

The peak is painful

The only escape leads down

I enjoy the light

I do not want to return

Where I was before

                                                   Back into the night                    

I sway

More and more

Uncertainty is pulling down

Stretching its dark claws

Shredding the ground I am standing on

If nothing changes

I fear the needle will be worn

Become thinner and thinner

How long until I can no longer bear the stabbing pain?

I need to move on

But

I want to stay

I need reassurance

I doubt it will come

Why do I feel this way?

It makes no sense

While I try to tell you

While I wish I could

I am ashamed

It is not right

I am falling fast

I have no ground for foundation

No hope

I need to wait

But the longer I take

The less ground there is

Can’t you see?

I either take the chance

Take a stand

or

I give up

I used to believe to know these thoughts

I used to desire these emotions

This mindset

But now?

Now I am no longer sure

Why is it that I’m overjoyed?

Why is it that I’m distraught?

What has my mind become?

I cannot describe what I feel

And yet

I need to try

I need to get this out here

I need this space fore thoughts

So silly

I keep telling myself

So desperate

I sigh

And yet

I wish you knew

Yeah, it’s like, Bella wants to be a vampire but she doesn’t want to be a vampire before she’s had sex as a human, and Edward doesn’t want her to be a vampire but he wants to get married, but Bella doesn’t want to get married unless she can be a vampire, but Edward won’t have sex with her until they get married, and then you put the fox and the grain in the boat and you leave the goose back on the riverbank.
—  Cleolinda Jones, on the Twilight series