I almost kissed bae today.
He drove me home bc I missed my bus and he was headed into my town anyway so he drove me home and I guess he noticed I wasn’t okay (I’ve been feeling very depressed lately) so he asked what was wrong and I just shook my head. A tear trickled down my face though and, in spite of myself, I started to full on sob. I was hysterically ugly crying and I poured my heart out to him and at the end, I was like “I’m so fucking afraid of losing you and it’s so dumb because you’re my fucking teacher and I’m gone in two years anyway. I’m a ticking time bomb as it is and I just want to spend all my time with you, and it bugs me because I doubt you think about me very often and I’m okay with that but it’s so hard for me, you know? I don’t have feelings for you at all but you’re the only one who knows how to make me feel better no matter what I’m going through. I really need you in my life, especially right now, and I’m so fucking terrified of losing you. I’m going through a lot right now so I’m sorry if this made you uncomfortable but I don’t think I can handle losing someone as important as you on top of the shit I’m dealing with anyway. I’m afraid I’m going to scare you and that you are going to leave. I wouldn’t blame you. I just don’t want to fucking lose you”.
And at this point, we were in front of my house and he was like, “Hey, Sydney, stop. Stop crying. You are not going to lose me. Even when you graduate, you will still have me. Always. I’m a phone call, text, or email away. You should know that by now. You will not scare me away. You can push me away all you like but I’m not leaving”. I started to cry again and he lifted my chin up and was like “Don’t do this to yourself. You’re a good kid. I’d never leave you.”
I looked up and noticed that we were very close to each other. I took a chance and grabbed his hand. He didn’t move away. I started to lean in, and again, he didn’t flinch, but I stopped myself. I couldn’t do it. He would hate me. He would lose his job. I love him too much to do that.
Also I felt bad about his wife but they are apparently getting divorced. I feel so bad for him.