Aries:

 

Wait…How the fuck did you not only get published but also get a fucking Newbery Medal?? YOU DIDN’T EVEN WRITE A CHILDREN’S BOOK. klsjdfnblsjhdfv

*ahem* Good for you. We’re *cough* quite happy for you. (I’m not! I wrote a book and no one gives a *Rissa gags Ariana* No no! We’re happy…really!)

 

 

Taurus:

 

Just as you finally get the courage to clear out the remaining customers and start cleaning up the shop, your boss returns from vacation. You stand in the middle of the wreckage and look up at your boss like a deer caught in the headlights. They just look at you, turn around and walk back out of the store. You heave a sigh of confusion but also relief.

 

 

Gemini:

 

You don’t know why you thought everything would go back to normal after your boss was incinerated by an alien. First off the business started failing because DAMN he may have been a killer but he was a hell of a businessman, second the police started to look into his disappearance (you’ll notice they never looked into the hipsters’ disappearances!) and eventually found evidence which connected him to the murders. Now…now the coffee shop is some kind of tourist stop; the shop of the hipster killer! You’re getting visitors by the hordes. Ironically a good majority of them are hipsters. You just know your boss is turning in his grave. (Not literally since…well he’s just a pile of dust in an old abandoned building…but we get the sentiment…)

 

 

Cancer:

 

You’ve begun to fashion weapons out of things in the bathroom. You’d heard of people making shivs out of soap but…you’ve realized that perhaps liquid soap won’t do the trick. But you know what? You’ve definitely got a razorblade!!! That will protect you against your crazy roommate!!!

 

 

Leo:

 

Huh…your roomie really loves talking about you. And dressing like you. And….smelling your hair brush. Well, um, it’s cool! No big. You do love being adored and your roomie…they are doing just that so…it’s cool. Right? Great life! Ahehehe….yeah….(You gonna get axe murdered dude.)

 

 

Virgo:

 

Stormy is not in any way related to this woman! HOLY HELL! You were able to track down Stormy’s real parents, you clever Virgo you. They were so happy to see Stormy, although apparently his real name is Benedict. What a weird name! You guess that’s okay though since they actually love their son as opposed to faux mommy. Ah…another job well done. And you can’t help but feel like the government should have—*THE GOVERNMENT IS GOOD! THE GOVERNMENT WAS ALLOWING Virgo TO BE THE HERO. THE GOVERNMENT ALWAYS KNOWS BEST. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO COMPLETE AND UTTER TRASH WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE SHUT DOWN DUE TO UNPATRIOTIC NOTIONS.*

 

 

Libra:

 

Well you have been escorted from the premises of Disneyland. You shot one of the pirates on the ride and a security guard finally saw you. They say they won’t report you to the police because they think those things are creepy too, but they are going to have to ask you to never come back. You say that’s fine, you weren’t really planning on it anyway.

 

 

Scorpio:

 

Well you’ve talked your way out of the family pressing criminal charges by agreeing to community service. You are now in the “Big Sibling” program in your city. Oh, this is going to go so well. (Who the hell goes “Oh! You were being charged for killing a man! You should take care of children!!!” Seriously?!? What idiots are making these decisions? I mean…it’s lucky for you but…really. You feel the need to question the credentials of the people making these decisions.)

 

 

Sagittarius:

 

Surprisingly enough, you have your old job still! However, you were feeling homicidal again by your coffee break. What do you even do at this job? Do you even know? Or do you just sit on facebook and tumblr all day? I bet it’s the last one. You should be ashamed of yourself.

 

 

Capricorn:

 

Well you finally got out of the bonds that were tying you to the chair, however, when you went to leave, Bear saw your movement and his instincts kicked in so now you are having to stay very, very still so as to not…get dismembered. Good luck.

 

 

Aquarius:

 

Woot! Nothing like shopping to make you feel 2000% better! Sure…it was a little awkward when you pulled out the money to pay and found dried blood on the bills. Hard to explain but people rarely care when you’re giving them insane amounts of money for ridiculous toys (ridiculous? Hardly!). Well anyway, you felt a tiny bit guilty (which is a new emotion for you) over spending the money which should be Cancer’s so……………………………..you bought them a nice little toy. You gave it to them through the bathroom window (which was difficult since it’s the third story, damn this house is huge!) and told them everything was fine and you’d buy them dinner. They came running out, quite happily, with a sharpened razor in hand and completely covered in liquid soap. This is your roommate. This person, right here. Goddamn.

 

 

Pisces:

 

Some of your neighbors in this resort are going missing. You should be worried but I think we’ve covered the fact that you don’t seem to have the proper fear this situation deserves. Like, seriously, people are dying around here and…and you just keep having fun. Pisces, we’re not sure we want to hang out with you anymo-WAIT! You get excited as you find a note in the hallway. This one says “Beware what’s behind the blue door.” Wait…blue door? Like that one at the end of the hall? You go to the end of the hall and, after a quick breath of anticipation, open the door…




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