I walked into the elevator today to travel down six floors, and surrounded by strangers on all sides, I stared straight ahead into the mirrored door.

And there, straight ahead of me, was the reflection of a girl I didn’t recognize. Her face was puffy, her cheek bones lost, her hair not washed for far too many days, and in an outfit that was less than ordinary. 

I made eye contact with this girl. Stared her down, really. And this stranger, blankly stared right back at me. And there, in that elevator, around the third floor I had this wave of pure sadness sweep over me. What the actual fuck have I done?

I have issues with food. I know this. You know this. The whole world glancing my way knows this.  I think about it far too much. Promise tomorrow I’ll conquer the battle. And within 6 months I’ll have won the war. And then it’s always the same. Today is tomorrow. And tomorrow is my deadline.

And now I’m twenty nine, and in certain aspects of my life I feel like I’ve finally got my shit together, finally got a life plan, finally figured out the path I want to take. I am happy in nearly all areas of my life, with the exception of my weight.

Last week I went to dinner with a guy I went on about fifteen dates with (I actually have no idea how many dates, but whatever, that’s not the point), and he told me back on the first date he could tell how self conscious I was about my body.  Fuck.  My body language, he noted, showed it through and through. This girl doesn’t like the way she looks, he thought, as he watched my awkward arm gestures, purse placements, and sweater adjustments. Holy shit.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this post, or what my plan of action should be.  But I do know I have to do something, because it appears that it doesn’t matter how happy I am in my life, whether it be my career, my apartment, friends/family, finances, social outings… because being unhappy with one’s weight is overpowering and trickles into all facets of life. And what I know, and what I believe, is that my life is better not fat. And oh, how I find myself yearning for the days when weight/weight loss was just a slice of the pie that is my life, instead of trickling and perhaps even dominating all the corners of it.

And of course I realize a smaller size or lower weight doesn’t equate to a better, easier, everything-falls-in-your-lap life, but I know the confidence it ensues within me trickles into every moment I live. Big or small, throughout my days, the confidence of looking and feeling good, well, there’s nothing quite like it. From quietly painting my nails on my couch, to tossing on a party dress on in a hurry and running out the door, it’s easier to not be overweight. And simply put, I miss those days. 

I miss my old face, and clothes, and confidence. I miss not constantly thinking I look obese. I miss feeling fit, and pretty, and content with who I am. I miss taking photos and not caring about the angel, or seeing a reflection and liking what I see…  today, that’s sure not how it is; not even a little bit, well, not even at all.

And as I look around my apartment, at the photos on my walls, of my work laptop I happily took out this evening, at my phone that’s been buzzing with messages all evening from friends and family, it appears to me that the final piece to the game of my life, is my weight. And I’m drowning in desperately wanting to change, but not being able to do so. Wash, rinse, repeat, but how long can this last before… well, I don’t know what, but whatever it is, honestly, it scares me. A lot.

It is the curse of children born first:
playing nurse to the ones running wild,
expected to sweep up and straighten,
to counter the mad
with the mild.

They laugh at me sitting alone,
every one of them reeking of rage
and pheromones,
not one ‘thank you’ for the unlocked door
when they come stumbling home.

I’ve had to put out
too many blazing hearts —
I have the shiny marks to prove it,
and a wall lined with the ashes
of the dreams I had at birth.

There is no salve on earth
for girls whose houses are on fire.

—  playing house (hestia); modern myth series (p.b.)
AKB48 5th Janken Taikai: Bracket

Not so much a set of predictions as it is a shot in the dark, using a completely untested, unfounded theory based on iffy statistical probabilities.

Top 16:
A: Watanabe Miyuki (NMB/SKE)
B: Hirata Rina
C: Nishino Miki
D: Nakanishi Chiyori
E: Nishiyama Rena
F: Takatsuka Natsuki (SKE)
G: Ishida Anna (SKE)
H: Okada Nana
I:  Tanabe Miku
J: Shimazaki Haruka
K: Takagi Yumana (SKE)
L: Morikawa Ayaka
M: Maeda Ami
N: Kuramochi Asuka
O: Honda Hitomi
P: Shibuya Nagisa (NMB/AKB)

Top 4:
1: Watanabe Miyuki (NMB/SKE)
2: Ishida Anna (SKE)
3: Tanabe Miku
4: Shibuya Nagisa (NMB/AKB)

Champion: Watanabe Miyuki

pyrar said:

"If I was your lover, darling..." Faervell began, his voice lowered due to the closeness of the two, "I would make certain you never questioned if my intentions were true... I'd be selfish and steal away as much time as I can take from you and make sure you wouldn't regret even a second of it spent with me." He grinned, "And i'd certainly make sure you never even wanted to look at another man that way again."

Esme’s characteristic blush held true as her gaze dipped down to briefly settle on Faervell’s lips as he spoke. Once his words were done and he moved forward, she quickly raised a hand, placing it between them to stop the oncoming gesture of affection.

"Then make me never question your intentions. Make me not regret. And make me not want to look at another man.”

Raising her chin, her fel-tainted eyes sweep a glance over his features. “And do this while not distracting me from what I still need to accomplish. Find a way to do that? And…”

She trailed off, slowly removing her hand from between them. Grabbing him by the collar of his vest, she tugged him a few inches closer and held him there, just out of reach from any kiss that may have been coming.

"And then we’ll talk. Darling.”


anonymous said:

Please research tetra care and betta care. It's a common misconception that tetras can be kept with bettas, when in fact that cannot be farther from the truth. Tetra need softer and colder water. Betta fish required a heated tank, with a much higher temperature and harder water. If either is to be in the natural conditions of the other, they will not thrive and prematurely die. Research, research, research! You will be glad you did.

More than a few issues here. I don’t think you read that correctly. I was advocating AGAINST betta and tetra together. And before you make a broad sweeping assumption about tetra, you should know they are not a clade nor does that term have any taxonomic or scientific validity (unlike the term catfish which applies to members of the order siluriformes). We get the word tetra from the genus Tetragonopterus, a genus of small fish in the family Characidae (where most of our common tetra hail from). Many of our current tetra were once in this genus, but have since been moved. The name just kinda stuck, and many small fish from Characidae (as well as the african tetras Alestidae) are now commonly called tetra. It’s literally hundreds of species from all over South America and Africa. 

I can tell you for a fact that not all tetra require soft, cool water because I keep a species that doesn’t. Cardinal tetra (Paracheirodon axelrodi) are a warm, softwater species (x). This is one of the reasons they are commonly kept with discus. While the common neon tetra (Paracheirodon innesi) is indeed a coolwater species, many other tetra are fine in the upper 70’s F. For example, the a close relative of both tetra, the green neon tetra (Paracheirodon simulans), is fine up into the upper 80’s F (x).

Lastly, betta are not a hardwater fish. I have no clue where you got this from. They come from the rice paddies of the Mekong River basin which is pretty soft water (x). Many keepers will introduce tannins in the form of IAL or driftwood as they are good for the fish (in addition to softening the water). Being a highly domesticated fish, they can adapt to hard water better than a lot of other fish, but they still remain a softwater fish. I have never seen someone recommend keeping betta in hard water. 

While I do appreciate input, this is honestly a bit insulting. I’ve been in the fish community for years; I’ve kept fish correctly for years; AND I’m a graduate student studying fish. I know basic care for these animals and how to do research. Anon, if you had done your research on me, you would have known this. But that’s the funny thing: research is kinda useless unless you have sources to back it.

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.


"Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening," Robert Frost

Listen to me, if you ever feel sad, like you would like to sleep and sleep and sleep, try to remember this poem; you have miles to go in life before you finally fall asleep. At least keep that promise to your trusty horse. Just keep going; the dawn will break between the trees, and a warm breakfast in a cozy inn will await you. Green tea with milk and honey; pancakes topped with walnuts and sweet golden syrup; a bowl of the reddest raspberries. Just keep going. We can do it. It doesn’t matter what this poem “actually” means. This is what it has always meant to me.

I really need to teach my bby sister how to clean up after herself

I came home and it looks like a hurricane hit with her clothes all over the place, the window was open so I had to chase some bugs out and kill like two mosquitos and sweep the floor

I’m like girl you do realize I’m not gonna be here for a month in like 25 days?????

A Sword Worthy of a Goddess

Well…this was the place on the card…
Swallowing hard, Deejay pushed the ornate door open, feeling cool air sweep across his face. 
His hand clenched on the sword blade in its impact tube, holding it close. 

hello! i’m submitting this troll to a few different review blogs. i’ll probably have more from the set later on!

[[What a cutie!]]

Name: Khione Roverk (Khione is the Greek goddess of snow, and Roverk is from den lille Røverpige, the Danish name for The Little Robber Girl, one of the important minor characters in The Snow Queen.

Age: 8 sweeps

Planet: AU Alternia

Symbol: It’s a snowflake. It’s literally just a stylised snowflake.

Theme: Hans Christian Andersen’s The Snow Queen.

Lusus: A female reindeer covered in frost. Nicknamed ‘Bae’ or ‘Baemom’ by Khione’s moirail.

Blood Colour: Blue. [[You may want to specify which blue caste- ex. cobalt]]

Fetch Modus: Chinese Puzzle – each item is turned into a Chinese puzzle. She has to fit together the pieces to forge the item’s shape.

Strife Specibus: Whipkind, although she uses Mgnfyglskind as a secondary specibus.

Trolltag: reigningImpassivity (it’s just…. reigning impassivity? i don’t know how else to describe it.) [[No need to describe it, it makes perfect sense :) ]]

Quirk: Replaces the letter o with asterisks s* her w*rds have a bit *f a sn*wy landscape t* them. When writing things down, she scrawls o as ø.

SGRUB Land: Land of Roses and Frostbite

Title: Witch of Breath

Ancestor: Daevelen Rosarote (right-hand woman to the Empress, rumoured to have a kiss that could numb pain, erase memories, and bring death if brought upon one enough times, something unheard of for her blood caste. Kidnapped people on the Empress’s orders and brought them to her place of residence in the freezing cold, eventually forcing them to work for the royal side. Hence where the rumour came from.) Later betrayed Empress when she found herself falling head over snowboots for a rustblood rebel, and then crafted strong pale relationship with a tealblood on the rebel side, fully strengthening her motives to break away. Later was found and executed by burning due to her high heat sensitivity. [[I’m curious about the meaning behind her name]]

Dancestor: Myenti Roverk, a flapper-style girl who talks in heavy heaps of 20’s slang. Pale with the tealblood, foreshadowing their relationship in the Beta universe. [[We need more trolls with 20’s slang]]

Quadrants: She’s in a very stable pale relationship with the tyrianblooded heiress (hence her tyrian scarf and gloves), but she’s also got a huge palecrush on the tealblood at the same time. Her entire ancestry set + the tealblood’s ancestry set are based on some old trolls I scrapped, and all 3 lineage lines were pale in that so I brought that back for Khione and Valora, her palecrush.

Also she has a redrom crush on the rustblood. She finds it highly embarassing. [[awww <3]]


<> - Lykosi Aperon, the tyrian blood (based on Little Red Riding Hood).

<> crush – Valora Faexin, the tealblood (based on Peter Pan).

<3 crush – Andeti Reitze, the rustblood (based on The Red Shoes).

Personality: Khione is very collected and levelheaded, a balance to Lykosi’s brash, headfirst personality. She thinks before she acts, thinks even when she doesn’t act, and doesn’t let emotions get in the way of anything - she has an excellent poker face and a perfect cool, frosty demeanor for interacting with strangers she doesn’t want to interact with.

This all covers a very emotional, steadfast girl who would go to the ends of the planet (even the desert, though she hates heat) for the people she cared about.

Although she doesn’t really care about anyone else and would prefer if a certain heiress-to-be and certain rustblood flushcrush would stop picking fights with other trolls so she wouldn’t have to get involved.

Likes: Collecting snowflakes, riding around on Baemom, slider and Chinese puzzles, flowers (roses especially), blizzards, when things are calm and peaceful and she does not have to speak to trolls she has no desire to speak to

Dislikes: The heat, rain, high places, when Lykosi picks fights with other trolls on her way to visit Khione because a certain tyrian blood wears a red cloak to protect against the snow and it pisses everyone else off who can’t tell she’s the heiress, interacting with people who aren’t in her friend group, trolls who try to shoot Baemom (mistaking her as a normal antlerbeast), and number puzzles.

Hive: A lodgelike tower in the middle of a very snowy landscape. It’s actually not too far from some other trolls, although the snow isolates many, and sometimes others in her blood range go hunting in the area. And they like to pick on Lykosi, whose red cloak covers her gills since she wears the hood low to protect from the cold. Sweeps of intervening when highbloods pick on what they think is a lowblood has given Khione quite the extra layer of cold resistance, having to stand in frigid weather trying to get people to lay off her moirail.

[[I hope we get to see more of these trolls; the book theme is very interesting. She seems like a very balanced and thought-out troll, so I’m afraid there isn’t too much for me to say. Still, I love many of the little details you put here (head over snowboots), and hopefully if I missed anything, the other blogs will catch it. If there’s anything else we can do, please let me know! -Tech]]

I found this quote on tumblr and I wish I saved who wrote it because it’s beautiful

"It is easy to wear our labels, our past failures, to feel a victim to the obstacles of life, which drain on our precious energy- but know that is not you, but garments of conditioning. Strip free, pour into your self-love and let it rest on your tongue when you share whatever sweeps through your mind. Clean yourself of judgment. In physical and spiritual form you are an external gift, an ancient gathering of exotic elements that is blessed with consciousness, and therefore blessed to tell, dance, and transform each moment into a story. The universe is as wise as these myths which we leak into the soil, peaks, and vast skies. Be well friends, and do not let any unconscious illusions steal you from your grace."