The problem is, I just presume that my life isn’t interesting. My mind is still programmed to assume that people look at me and think ‘whatever, he is no-one to me’, I assume that when I appear in someone’s inbox, it’s more of a ‘mmm… i was hoping it would be someone else’. My brain is still to this day plagued with negativity and my efforts so far haven’t harboured as many results as I’d hope.
I want to be the light, I want people to see the happiness inside me which is desperate to show itself, but somethings take more than a year to fix, more than 5 years to get over. Sometimes life takes a lifetime to get over.
These presumptions, born of unwanted negativity only darken myself, insecurity and uncertainty make me look ugly and uninteresting. When you see beautiful people, having beautiful experiences, it makes me feel like mine aren’t beautiful at all. It’s so hard to appreciate yourself.
I spent along time accepting myself for who I am, but still to this day I feel like I don’t even know who I am. So have I truly accepted myself?
I don’t even know. All I’m trying to say is that I understand that if I think negatively, I will project negativity, and I don’t want to project negativity at all, but my insecurity is actually tearing me apart, and I know I have so much hard work ahead of me until people look at my smile as me showing love for everyone, not just see my smile and [here’s where my brain assumes everyone sees some kind of shattered, empty, awkward facial movement so i have no idea what people really think].
I owe my everything to those special people in my life, jay, nick, karsen, john and everyone else. You were a gift to me from Ganesha, you guys represent the strength and protection, the kindness and the compassion he has given me - and sometimes when I sit smoking that spliff before bed, I remember and be grateful for those people, who without, I would have nothing. This is how I keep myself sane and smiling. No matter what happens, no matter if my strength gives in for a moment, no matter how boring I feel, I always have them to catch me, or to laugh at my nervous jokes, or to ignore my absolutely disgusting mouth when i’m stressed or angry.