Unofficial Anthology of Why All of Sasusaku’s New Theories Are Hilariously Idiotic
Sasusaku has always been the most hilarious fandom in Naruto. They have said some truly stupid shit, tried to defend things with said stupidity, and liked this ship on superficial and/or incorrect basis at best.
However, I think, in my two years in the fandom, this has by far been the day when the most ridiculously awful and hilariously sad theories have ever popped out of the Sasusaku fandom. So hilarious that I couldn’t just laugh and move along like usual. It has to be brought to light so that perhaps SS (who, despite this post being properly tagged, will stalk the anti tag and see it) can read it from an outsiders persepctive (as in, someone who doesn’t ship NS/SK), and read how stupid they sound so they can stop making bigger laughing stocks of themselves than they already are.
These are the most popular and passed around theories I’ve come across
1) Sasuke doesn’t know he has a daughter.
If you want to argue that Sasuke doesn’t know he has a daughter, fine. But it only makes things more abysmal for Sakura. As, you see, Sasuke couldn’t give enough fucks about Sakura to come see or have any contact with her in over a decade. Further keeping line with him, for the entire manga, treating her like an afterthought at best. It heavily implies that her love not only does not get through to him, but that its not reciprocated nearly as strongly. It also cements Sakura’s pathetic status, because she let Sasuke hit it and quit it, and she is content to be a single mother clinging to her scraps of attention she will always crave in between being made to feel like shit since, consistently, the day she was put on Team 7 with him.
2) Sasuke is off looking for a cure for Sarada’s eyes! Sakura is healing her eyes in secret because of her sharingan!
Sasuke somehow passed down blurry vision to Salad is canonically impossible, as his swagged out implanted Itachi eyes prevented blindness. Not to mention (I really shouldn’t have to mention) that blurry vision is not something you can genetically pass down as this was due to something he has done to his body for spamming Mangekyou Sharingan, not a genetic trait for naturally blurry vision/predisposal to blindness (its like the equivalent of saying your kid will have lung cancer because you used to smoke). Also, trying to argue that Salad’s glasses aren’t normal glasses but special ones that prevent her sharingan from activating cause she’s just so OP stronk for some reason that she activated Mangekyou Sharingan as a baby, because, as they seem to be forgetting, base/three tomoe sharingan does not deteriorate vision. Mangekyou Sharingan does.
More than any of that though, apparently Sasuke could not search for a cure without ignoring his family for twelve years and not meeting his daughter for her entire life.
3) Sakura is fainting because she’s pregnant!
If she is, then that makes the situation even worse with the implications! It’s one thing to not have seen the father of your child in twelve years, but its another to be fucking the father of your child in secret and being completely okay with him leaving and not even meeting your twelve year old kid for the first time . Or coming pack to get some pussy and ignoring the child you left her with. And will probably go on to ignore the kid you knocked her up with. It only makes Sakura look more desperate, horribly pathetic, and a selfish mother completely lacking in integrity. For Sasuke, it only makes him look like a complete and utter asshole beyond repair.
4) It’s all a genjutsu! That’s why it was translated one way as “Crimson Moon”! They’re caught in Infinite Tsukiyomi.
…So, what you’re saying is that Madara succeeded, and all of this is a dream. Salad does not actually exist, neither do Bolt, Himawari, Shikadai, Chouchou, or Inojin. None of the things in 699 or 700 ever actually happened. This is not only the way Kishi wanted to end his manga, but he also wants to completely go back and rewrite the ending of his series in a mini series?
Also, remember when you mocked Narusaku for this? Called it desperate, sad, pathetic, and delusional? Yeah…
5) Sasuke wiped Sakura and Salad’s memories to protect them!
I don’t even know where to start with this. First of all, since when does Sasuke possess the power to erase people’s memories? Secondly, this doesn’t match up at all with the basic shit that was said in the chapter. Salad talks about never having met her father. She knows her father. She is aware of him. Sakura talks of knowing Sasuke. She is aware of him. If Sasuke wanted to erase their memories of him to protect them, why does he only erase the happy memories they, allegedly, have? Why not erase his existence from their memories altogether, if that was his super tragic plan? Also, Sakura seems to remember enough to want to fabricate a happy photo of them together over a picture of Taka, because she doesn’t have any. If she didn’t possess the full awareness of Sasuke not being with her for twelve years and all it’s blunt sadness, she just wouldn’t have bothered.
Also, this makes no sense on a story structure level. What enemies exist that are so OP stronk that they can defeat the OP powerlevel stronk abilities of Naruto and Sasuke? Or all the K11 who still seem to be powerful? Its not a secret that Salad is an Uchiha, so its not a matter of them hiding her heritage. Considering that there is only one other Uchiha alive, its unanimous that she is Sasuke Uchiha’s daughter, and everyone knows this as well. For fucks sake, Sakura sees no problem in plastering Uchiha paraphenilia all over their house. She and Salad are basically living in an advertisement, yet nothing has happened to them, so “being targeted by Sasuke’s enemies” and Sasuke wanting to protect them from this is blatantly incorrect.
6) Sasuke is on a super important mission!
Sakura has expressed she has no idea what Sasuke is doing. Given her almost embarrassed reaction at being questioned about Sasuke, it is made apparent that if she could actually tell her daughter that Sasuke was on a mission and that’s why he isn’t around, she would, rather than have to embarrassedly admit all this unsureness. Also, Sasuke has been gone on a redemption journey. He has never lived in the Village. He is doing his own thing.
7) Sasuke was probably around until she was about two or three, then left, and Sarada just can’t remember!
Salad- “I never got to meet him at all. He left when I was a baby.” is one translation. “As far back as I can possibly remember, I have never once met my father.” is another.
Sakura- “Erm, well, your dad was never in the village much when he was younger…” is one translation “Back then your Dad spent so much time away from the village! Just like now, I suppose…”. is another.
So, sure, if you want to cling to things that aren’t really there or meant to be taken away from the narrative, go for it, there’s a tiny window there. Unfortunately, it doesn’t erase the fact that Salad has no recollection of ever meeting her father, they have no relationship, and he has not been to see either of them in 10-11 years, according to this theory.
8) Salad can’t be Karin’s kid! She has Sakura’s eye shape and looks nothing like her!
There is no sense or point in debating this and making long ass “eye shape analysis” posts any longer. The acknowledgment that Salad looks like Karin is made within canon. It was the entire basis for the ending conflict that arose in the chapter. Its what will be pushing the conflict in the future, that Salad looks like this other mystery woman in this picture she always thought was of her mother and Sasuke, but was fabricated. Salad looks like Karin. Whether or not she is Karin’s daughter is irrelevant to the argument.
9) This is all a red herring! Just like Narusaku!
Doesn’t matter. The damage done is irreversible. Sakura is confirmed to be a doormat. Sakura may not have even married Sasuke. Sakura has no photos of Sasuke, and has to photoshop herself onto a photo of Sasuke with Taka and another woman. Sakura hasn’t seen or heard from Sasuke in 12-13 years. Sakura is still angty and miserable.Salad does not know her father. Sasuke has been wandering around on his redemption journey for 12 straight years.The dynamic between Sasuke and Sakura has not grown or changed from when they were 12. Salad finds fault in her mother for letting Sasuke do whatever he wants, even completely neglecting their child, while Sakura just wants to deflect. Sakura is miserably pathetic. Sasuke still makes her feel like shit and she allows him to make their child feel like shit because she is so used to being treated as an afterthought and being happy with his scraps of attention (or nothing, as seems to be the case now) that she is surprised when Salad has more dignity and self respect than her to question this.
All of this has been cemented.
Sasusaku, for all their arrogance, for all their mocking of others, ignored the content of 700 (like they always did with the manga in general) and created a perfect SS happy family with pussy whipped Sasuke, feisty Sakura, and doting father to his Uchiha princess, convinced themselves of this, and were ultimately devastated when Kishi blew a cannon through their bubble. Now, in the largest effort at damage control I’ve seen from them so far, they are scrambling to come up with something to salvage this. Trying to be “positive” about the situation and the flaws their ship has always possessed somehow blindsiding them for still being there despite no implication it was ever any different (as well as these same flaws never having bothered them before). Playing the victim and/or lashing out at everyone who is laughing at their fandom, Sakura, and Sasusaku (which is practically the entire Naruto fandom at this point) with the only thing they can ,maybe (because Kishi has done worse), confidently say in their ship’s defense- Salad is not Karin’s child. They cannot combat anything else. Its a trainwreck in slow motion.
My only hope that Sasusaku gets out of this is to learn how to take your massive L quietly, and perhaps develop better taste in general and actual standards, so liking something like Sasusaku won’t occur in the future.
If anyone has any new lulzy SS entertainment to add to these theories, let me know so I can add them!