17/9: suicidal again - asylum maybe? Just in case.... A last note.

I’m crashing so hard right now.
The doctor and nurse manager came over and I refused the med (lorazepam)
they put me on temporarily.

I’m just crying so hard. Screaming.
I DEMAND to be send to the asylum.

It’s weird, they say.
Cause I always hated it and I’ll do anything just to not go there.
But you know what,
My doctor doesn’t send patient to the asylum so they called him with regards to my requests and they said he’s gotna come over later in the afternoon.

The other 14 year old boy is jabbed and restrained but he won’t stop banging and yelling. It triggers me. The voices are talking again wtf.

Yesterday I feel like everyone’s talking about me. They’re scolding me. I also wanna scream too. But when I do, I got called “are you 7 or 8 years old? Can you behave your age?” by an assistant nurse.

So why is it that he can scream and I can’t when I’m out of wreck? Why?
Now I feel like everything is my fault and I just wanted to be send to the asylum to be tortured so I can die.

I also started cutting myself in the ward. They found, confiscate or be it my voluntarily handing it to them. It’s about 6 knives.

And this other nurse goes like,
“I was never gentle. If it was accidental, I would be gentle. But you cut yourself what, so you asked for it.”
SHE JUST SAID I ASKED FOR IT.

I called my dad and asked him to AOR (at own risk) discharge me. Cause AOR discharge doesn’t require your doctor’s permission and you can get discharged at any hour (so yes, even late at night) and he told me this,

"All of this is what you said. It’s not even sure if doctor allow or if it’s for real."
Can y’all seriously see how stupid my dad is right now?

And today there’s Occupational therapy (OT) session - karaoke.
Then someone picked a food song and it was a video of a fat woman gorging herself on those food and it’s just triggering like hell. It upsets me.

It reminded me of another stupid nurse that always force people to eat.
Jocelyn zara-carlyle said she love to watch patients eat.
Maybe that’s true, Idk.

Oh oh oh, another thing is that yesterday I heard my fave male staff nurse voice and I was so happy to think that he’s on night shift. Turns out that he’s not even here yesterday, yet I’m pretty sure I heard him.

And this current doctor, is the only doctor that doesn’t diagnosed me with depression or thinks I’ve an eating problem despite me losing weight, purging meals and purging blood out in the ward. He didn’t even ask the nurse to monitor my eating or what’s not.

He simply thinks that my diagnosis should just be,
Borderline personality disorder. (BPD)

Now I just want to be send to the asylum so I can be so badly tortured and then come out and bid goodbye.
And if they refused or rather, my doctor refused, I’ll keep hitting or breaking all the rules till they have no choice but to send me back there.

I want to go there so I can come out and die.
I told y’all before this is a promise I made to myself and I’ll succeed.
No more less lethal way,
I’ll just take 300+ pills with alcohol and then jump of this 25th storey building that’s just beside my house.

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS JUMP,
HOW HARD CAN IT BE FOR ME RIGHT, LOSER JAZREEL.
JUST ONE STEP AND IT’S ALL OVER.
TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND GO.
JUST GO,
DON’T WAIT,
DON’T PONDER,
DON’T HESITATE.

AND I CAN FINALLY SAY,
“GOODBYE EVERYBODY. SEE YOU ON THE OTHER END.”

I’ve got my grave quote ready for so long,
I really want to use it when I’m dead.
So ready now.
Yes ah! 👍

***IMPORTANT;
Ps:
I AM NOT PRO-SUICIDE and I TAGGED “TW” so shut up.

Pps:
If I die,
Please don’t report my blog.
Keep my blog as a memoir.

2

i thought up this story about a college student who takes up pottery classes to spend his free time and befriends this really talented freshman he eventually realizes that hes no good and he has nobody and since nobody wants him around and he doesnt have a future he jumps off a building to get it all over with

idk i was really sad that day. feeling better now though

still clay is expensive as heck

"Is that what depression feels like?" she asked, "Crying a lot and always wanting to sleep?"

"Oh, no darling." I said, "It’s much, much more than that. Depression is wanting to cut out your wrists and rip out every little piece of yourself you wish you hadn’t had in the first place. Depression is feeling constantly unhappy, and weak all over. Depression is when you feel angry. Sometimes you feel like ripping out each and every one of your hairs one by one. Depression is feeling weak in the knees because to you, there’s no point in standing your ground any longer. Depression fills your head with thoughts that sometimes don’t make any sense at all. Depression can make you feel so melancholy at times that you often cry so hard it hurts. Depression is when while you’re busy screaming and crying into your pillow, your parents are downstairs laughing hysterically at their favourite show. Depression is the feeling that you’ve lost all hope in yourself. The only hope left is hoping that when you go to sleep, you won’t wake up."

—  Depression- written by me(@kellic-fykes)
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