i. i hope they tell you i was beautiful, that i held the galaxy in my hands, had stars in my eyes- i hope they show you a picture and you see the sun in my smile.

ii. i hope they tell you that i cared, that i never stopped caring, that those pills may have kept my heart from beating, my lungs from breathing- but darling they didn’t stop me loving you.

iii. i hope they tell you not to cry, that tsunamis do not bring back the dead, that you cannot bring back the dead. there is no use in crying over things you cannot fix. i know, i tried. look where that got me.

iv. i hope they tell you i tried. darling i tried. you were barely a year old, wide eyes and innocent giggles- i wanted to be there when you took your first steps. i wanted to be there when you first learned the world would hit you hard. i wanted to be there to pick you up again.

v. i hope they tell you that it’s okay to not be okay. i hope they explain that artwork on your canvas wrists will not make it better, that bruises will not make you beautiful. i hope they tell you that i thought you were beautiful.

vi. i hope they tell you that i loved you, but darling sometimes love is not a weapon strong enough to battle darkness. but darling i hope they tell you i battled- i fought until i couldn’t. but i loved you through it all.

—  i hope they tell you, darling. m.m.c.

anonymous said:

Would you write something like during the glen capri situation, after Stiles tosses the flair and the control over him is broken, he just collapses and Stiles holds him as the other teen breaks down into shaking sobs.

"Stiles," Scott gasped, seeming to come back to himself, staring into his best friend’s eyes, searching. "Stiles, I’m—,"

"It’s okay, Scott," He whispered, letting out a short, wet laugh as he ran his fingers through Scott’s hair, hand resting against his cheek. "Everything’s going to be okay."

Scott nearly fell forward, then, hands clutching onto the back of Stiles’ shirt for support, tears flowing from his eyes and he nearly shook with emotion, sobbing into Stiles’ chest.

He’d never felt so helpless. Never so alone and scared and he never needed Stiles more than he did at that moment. He never wanted to hold him so badly, never needed the soothing of his hands or to hear the sound of his voice so much in his life.

"Stiles," He mumbled, shaking and Stiles just tightened his grip, holding him up with hands roaming over his back, quietly shushing him, trying to keep him calm, keep him grounded.

And Scott just let everything go, every ounce of stress and pain, every burden that he had carried on his shoulder since he got the bite, this curse, and spiraled until he couldn’t feel much other than the warmth of his best friend pressed against him.

He wasn’t sure how long they stood there or when Stiles pealed off his ruined clothes and dressed him again, whether or not he went to sleep crying or if Stiles actually whispered I love you at some point, but he knew he said it back.

And he knew he meant it.

some things to remember in this awful time:

  • don’t wish his death on someone else. please, don’t do that.
  • don’t tell people to stop posting about him because they ‘weren’t a big fan before he died’. we have just as much of a right to grieve as you.
  • try to give his family a little space, e.g. not tweeting them ‘OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS [crying emoji]’. i’m sure all gentler gestures will be appreciated in time. 

Oscar-winning actor and comedian Robin Williams has died at age 63, according to police in Marin County, California. The full statement is below.

On August 11, 2014, at approximately 11:55 a.m, Marin County Communications received a 9-1-1 telephone call reporting a male adult had been located unconscious and not breathing inside his residence in unincorporated Tiburon, CA. The Sheriff’s Office, as well as the Tiburon Fire Department and Southern Marin Fire Protection District were dispatched to the incident with emergency personnel arriving on scene at 12:00 pm. The male subject, pronounced deceased at 12:02 pm has been identified as Robin McLaurin Williams, a 63-year-old resident of unincorporated Tiburon, CA.

An investigation into the cause, manner, and circumstances of the death is currently underway by the Investigations and Coroner Division s of the Sheriff’s Office. Preliminary information developed during the investigation indicates Mr. Williams was last seen alive at his residence, where he resides with his wife, at approximately 10:00 pm on August 10, 2014. Mr. Williams was located this morning shortly before the 9-1-1 call was placed to Marin County Communications. At this time, the Sheriff’s Office Coroner Division suspects the death to be a suicide due to asphyxia, but a comprehensive investigation must be completed before a final determination is made. A forensic examination is currently scheduled for August 12, 2014 with subsequent toxicology testing to be conducted.


anonymous said:

Just kill yourself.


if you don’t like seeing my posts (honestly, there’s no other way you’d see/hear me unless you see my posts, so) unfollow.

unfortunately for you, my life is not in your hands, mister anon. So you demanding I kill myself will not really affect my life.

I’m not interested in killing myself. Even if life is shitty, I will always be thankful for what I have. I will always hope that it will get better. If it doesn’t, I’ll remember these better days and hope for even better ones after.

If I die without having had a good life, then at least when I die I can proudly say I never lost hope. At least I won’t regret the “what if I did…”. 

Suicide is not a solution to anything. Not to you hating me, and not to me hating myself.

Take a minute before you send an ask like this. Thankfully, your ask means nothing to me. But I worry about those who may be affected by words like yours. And consider that it may actually lead to someone’s death.

All because you decided to type up some words to someone you do not even know.


anonymous said:

Hey! The suicide chat you reblogged (post/94501247928) is an anti-LGBT site that's pretty corrupt. dailydot(.)com/news/imalive-counseling-tumblr-help/ explains why and crisischat(.)org is a better site to use apparently!

Thank you so much for informing me! I read the article and I went to OP’s blog and saw that they deleted the original post and reblogged it with updated info of someone telling them why that site’s no good like you just told me…

go to crisischat if you need someone to talk to, friends! You are very important and very valuable and you deserve to feel so.

Not to mention that I can always talk to you if you need. My ask is (usually) open if you need someone to talk to!! sometimes my replies can get a little delayed, but I do my best ;; stay safe!

anonymous said:

HI i'm sorry to bug you with this but: what do you think about the seemingly common idea in fandom that not only would a fully-romanced, committed Zevran casually cheat on the Warden, but that his doing so is pretty much inevitable (and the Warden sometimes even accepts that fact), when pretty much everything in canon seems to contradict that? (his refusing to sleep with anyone in DA2 7 years later, even if the Warden's sacrificed themselves being the most obvious example) [CONT]

it just seems to have some unfortunate implications on how people view promiscuous people, that they’re completely incapable of monogamy once in a committed relationship. idk usually i just ignore it, but it’s popped up several times in the past few days and it just made me a bit sad since i think it’s so OOC, so i’d love to have the opinion of a Zev expert? on an unrelated note, you’re easily one of my favorite DA blogs so kindly keep on being awesome <33 OKAY BYE

what what what what wHAT?????????? okay so i think there are S E V E R A L things wrong with this and i’ll just get to them right now because wow no this is one of the worst things and i am ANGRY

  1. saying that zevran would “inevitably” cheat on the warden is completely, entirely NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO HIS INCREDIBLE ARC IN DAO. zevran’s story, particularly if you romance him, is incontrovertibly about love. zevran’s story has always been about love. 
  2. eyyy fuck it i’m gonna get on a roll so here we go
  3. zevran’s story has always been about finding his humanity, finding friendship, finding love. in his own words, he “grew up amongst those who sold the illusion of love, and then [he] was trained to make [his] heart cold in favor of the kill.” but despite EVERYTHING, despite the abuse and the torture (i mean lmao did you see zev’s nightmare in the fade, people???), despite that he was raised this way his entire life, zev still cared about people. he told himself he didn’t, but this boy has the most incredible capacity to love.
  4. FOR FUCK’S SAKE HE FEELS GUILTY OVER HIS MOTHER’S DEATH????? “my first victim” he calls her well jesus fuck how can you not realize how much love zev has in him and how despite the fact that he’s done what he’s had to to survive (because we know the crows killed anyone who couldn’t pass their tests — and the tests killed people more often than not, anyway) he STILL CARES AND STILL LOVES
  5. and jesus what about rinna????? that’s the perfect foil to zev’s relationship to the warden tbh (well actually i think alistair/warden is a really fun foil as well but that’s another post for another time). zev kills rinna, and hates himself for it. he chooses to die for it. and then you have the warden, who spares zevran where zevran could not spare rinna, and he a mere stranger, an assassin. zev’s relationship with the warden is so so so different from his affection for rinna — this is pure, and honest.
  6. zev is BAFFLED by his emotions towards the warden, because what starts out as something fun, as friendship (something he at least understands, although we know that this is the purest, realest, truest friendship he’s ever had) becomes honest-to-god love and he’s never felt that way about anyone before?? ever????? and he knows it and it scares him because literally the whole point of his life is that PEOPLE HAVE BEEN BEATING THE LOVE OUT OF HIM HIS ENTIRE LIFE 
  7. but NOTHING can stop zev from loving, because he has the most incredible capacity to love and care about another i mean he would STORM THE GATES OF THE DARK CITY ITSELF just for a chance to be by his love’s side ???????? 
  8. nothing matters to romanced zevran more than love. nothing. nothing matters more to friendshipped zevran than his friendship. he’s been all around the world and seen all the shit it has to offer, and he knows that his love, the people he cares about, the fact that he’s found some kind of love in this ~dark place~, is the most important thing in the world and that he must cherish it because it is the FIRST TIME IN HIS WHOLE LIFE HE HAS EVER BEEN HAPPY
  9. literally the first time
  10. do you think he would throw that away???????? for sex???
  11. ffs when zev realizes he’s in love with the warden he gets all muddled and confused and REFUSES TO SLEEP WITH THEM???? oh look here’s zevran who is so ~promiscuous~ and doesn’t REALLY care about the warden all he wants is sex and… wait.. wait.. what??? 
  12. zev used sex as a “pleasant diversion” but he has been and always will be about love and he knows that it’s the most important thing for him. like zevran loves sex, hell yea. but his love of sex is a mere manifestation of his love of people. it was always his way of feeling like he had something (an “illusion of love”) that he didn’t. and he knows the difference between what’s real and what’s not real and there’s no chance he’d EVER throw that away
  13. he will follow the warden anywhere, literally anywhere, no matter the consequences, just to be by their side 
  15. he never loves again do you hear me
  16. but also like i think you’re right in that there’s definitely this idea that zev, being super promiscuous, would cheat on the warden. still. despite everything i just said.
  17. and i definitely do think that stems from the idea that zev has lots of sex — and worse yet, that he’s bi/pan, because we know the way society looooves to see ~those~ kinds of people, right??? they just can’t keep it in their pants. they can’t care about anyone — it’s just in “their nature” to have lots of meaningless sex with lots of people and you can’t fault them for it, you know, they just can’t help it, wanting to bang everyone all the time
  18. except post-romance and even pre-romance sex for zev is about love sEX FOR ZEV IS ABOUT LOVE SEX FOR ZEV IS ABOUT LOVE!!!!!
  19. and also lmao zev would be MUCH happier just throwing in other people to have sex WITH him and the warden??? like the warden can tell a hardened leliana (and maybe an unhardened leliana idk but that seems fishy) that she should have sex with them and it’s great because zev would love that because sex is fun but like he cares about the warden soOOo much
  20. like zev arguably cares for the warden more than any other romance. or, that’s not quite right, but like — his entire LIFE revolves around his love of the warden, because it’s the only good thing he’s ever had. ever. alistair has his duty, morrigan has her hella destiny, leliana has her own life as well… but zev?? nah. he’d throw it all away, happily, to be with his warden
  21. and if people STILL think he’d cheat on the warden after all that then they are hopeless people and you should not associate with them bc they will only make you sad 

in the light of this tragic event, I wish to say once again: don’t do it. whatever is going on, no matter how hard it is, please, please don’t give up. cry, fight, scream, write, paint, do anything but live. I love you all. I know there’s plenty of of you whom I’ve never talked with, but still. stay safe. live.

i have some thoughts about how we keep mentally ill and addicted people silent that i think are relevant tonight. because i think it’s important that we don’t just look at suicides as a singular tragedy, as something that only comes from deep misery, but as an event that is fed into by our toxic culture surrounding mental illness

i am a person who straddles two “hidden” identities - i am gay and i am mentally ill. i don’t really live in a place that is hugely friendly to either marginalized group, but if i were given the choice i would rather be outed to someone about my sexuality than my mental illness. despite the pervasive homophobia and heterosexism in my area, queer groups have taken wonderful footholds in our community. our gay-straight alliance has been active (albeit with shaky leadership and sporadic participation) for ten years; meanwhile our organization for mental health advocacy, active minds, had one person in it when i was a freshman in college. today it is a dead organization.

this year i donated two books to our equity and diversity center about mental illness and self advocacy. that brought the total of books about disability to four.

mentally ill people, diagnosed and undiagnosed, often live in perceived isolation. there are few examples of the excellence of mentally ill persons presented to us in the media, and in most spaces where we wish to be respected there are unspoken assumptions that we must be closeted. 

i am in the sciences and until this year when i started meeting more people online who were other mentally ill scientists, i assumed that i was rare. these are the myths of the inferiority of the mentally ill that are perpetrated by our culture and internalized even by those that are considered normative and successful.

if you are not mentally ill and you are reading this, i want you to ask yourself if you’ve ever gossiped about a “crazy” coworker/friend/ex-partner out in the open. if you’ve ever called someone crazy or a psycho for being cruel or bigoted in a professional setting. if you’ve ever said something like “i’m so ocd” when you just meant you were clean. if you’ve ever asked questions of a coworker about why someone doesn’t want to/can’t drink alcohol or caffeine. none of these things are generally frowned upon as racist or sexist comments would be, and yet they all contribute to a culture that makes mentally ill people feel unsafe and isolated. that makes them feel like a burden when they are ill. that often makes them set their worth on what they can contribute to the world to “transcend” their illness, and then when their illness makes it so they feel like they can’t contribute to anything (i.e. work, create, etc.) it causes their feelings of lack of self worth to increase and causes suicidal thoughts and actions.

one of the world’s most well known, beloved comedians committed suicide. be mindful of your microaggressions. don’t let this happen in your own life.

anonymous said:

do you have anymore headcanons for the in the flesh au you just posted a drawing of nico for. I just saw season one of in the flesh and i love it and i love the au for the pjato characters

Not too many headcanons yet but here are some:

- Nico’s death is self-inflicted, after months of trying to cope with Bianca’s death (hers was accidental, something like a car crash)

- Bianca does not come back in the first rising because the timing wasn’t right. Hazel, who died in a recent mining accident and was basically buried alive, rises at the same time as Nico and they bonded during their rabid states. They sort of adopt each other at the treatment center. 

- Percy is not a PDS-sufferer - if we’re making ITF parallels, he’d be Jem Walker (except not related to Nico, just a close friend) - used to care about Nico a lot and was incredibly angry and sad with him after he died. Percy joined the Human Volunteer Force with Annabeth and has strongly conflicting feelings about Nico’s return from the dead.

- Thalia definitely is a PDS-sufferer - she was in a relationship with Luke but dies in a freak accident (lightning hitting the top of a hill or something). Luke is inconsolable and withdrawn after Thalia’s death and joins the HVF and has a huge vendetta against rotters in general - things get really complicated when Thalia comes back to town.  

anonymous said:

Okay, so i understand how ward was an abuse victim as a kid. I understand that as a teen, he was manipulated by Garrett into joining hydra. But how does that equate to abuse? If you don't want to answer, you don't have to. I'm not trying to push your buttons, but I do want to understand so I don't fuck up when talking about him

no it’s cool you’re trying to understand here and that’s fair. Okay. Let’s try to make this go…step by step. Ish.

this is long but I’m not putting it under a cut because it’s important and everyone in this fandom should read it if you’re going to talk about Ward.

Now, let’s make some things clear about abuse as a whole first. Abuse is not just physical abuse, though the threat of it can exist—and physical demonstrations of violence can also exist in abuse. A parent can never lay a hand on their child but they can throw a table across the room to illustrate that they COULD hurt the child if they wanted.

Things that are abusive are not just limited to the expression of violence on a child. Things that are abusive:

  • withholding rights; food, water, school, access to other people, money, phone, computer. (phone and computer access are absolutely rights in this day and age. there’s a difference between ‘you’re grounded for a week no phone’ and ‘i’m going to check all your search history and read all your texts and i’ll take your phone/computer for months at a time.’) This also can mean that these rights are treated as a ‘privilege’ by the abuser. example: ‘you don’t own this I do/since you live under my roof /I/ pay the bills and /I/ LET you live here.’ acting like things you deserve as a person being cared for by your guardian are fucking privileges is a clear sign of emotional abuse.
  • Restricting contact to outsiders; friends, other family members, etc. Basically, encouraging isolation. Saying “you don’t need anyone else/don’t you love me and want to stay with me” is emotional abuse. Like the most common trick in the abusive handbook is isolation.
  • Manipulation of emotions and mental state; gaslighting is the most common one (wikipedia, urban dictionary for a more concise explanation, then the national domestic violence center. for sources.) It can really be pretty much anything that centers around making the victim feel inferior, hopeless, and desperate to continue staying with the abuser. 

Things to also understand about abuse:

  • Abusers can sometimes look like nice people. Abuse does not always happen in public. Abuse victims can look like normal people. Abuse victims are putting themselves in danger by looking like they are abused—raising questions from adults that might get them in trouble—and are ACTIVELY DISCOURAGED FROM SEEKING HELP. Through the behavior of the abuser, even if they never explicitly say hey don’t go telling people, they sure as shit know the consequences of doing so. Abusers are usually charismatic and openly friendly/charming. With that in mind.
  • Abuse is a cycle. There ARE usually positive periods in the cycle; commonly referred to as “honeymoon periods,” in which the abuser apologizes, promises to change, usually plies the victim with gifts and trinkets. Then tension builds through manipulation and emotional belittling. After that, the abuser snaps and loses their temper or does something that makes the abuse victim have some kind of breakdown which then prompts a ‘tightening of the noose,’ so to speak. And then the honeymoon period starts up again. 
  • Abuse victims can love and care for their abusers. They might not even be aware they’re being abused. People who are ACTIVELY BEING ABUSED have a different mindset than people who have managed to escape, but even then, due to the honeymoon periods/initial period of happiness that usually happens in an abusive relationship, seeing that it’s not common for a relationship to START OFF abusive, as abuse escalates, abuse victims can totally still care about/love/think fondly of their abusers. This is important. They do not deserve to be shamed for that. They’ve been manipulated into loving that person through things such as plying them with gifts, through the abuser threatening suicide/telling them how they “need’ them because they’re sick/weak/whatever. 

With this in mind, let’s tackle Ward. 

As for his childhood, it was absolutely abuse. Even if he did ever raise a hand to his younger brother it was coerced; he was also under threat of further violence and pain. He was an abuse victim being used as a tool and a weapon. And considering Dana being harmed in episode 8 is literally the worst thing Ward can imagine, it is safe to assume he loves his brother. Regardless of what he was forced to do, he loved his brother. And THAT MAKES IT ABUSE TO HAVE HAD HIS ELDER BROTHER FORCE HIM TO HARM HIM. And Ward had no one to turn to; we can assume his parents are also awful considering they allowed the abuse to happen and then tried to press charges and throw Ward in jail for life to keep him quiet.

Ward loved his little brother and was forced to hurt him as part of his abuse. Make no mistake.

As for John.

Let’s go down the list of everything I described and map out how it occurrs.

  • Withholding rights: John left him out in the woods with some clothes and a dog. John placed himself in the role of Ward’s caretaker by busting him out of prison and then promptly dropped him off in the woods to either die or…????? If Ward hadn’t resorted to stealing in desperation he would’ve been dead. As for making Ward feel like he owed him, John gave him Buddy, who was held over his head, and John repeatedly acts like he was the one who “made something” out of Ward. John makes Ward feel like he owes him for “saving” him from prison, and he treats living someplace that isn’t the fucking woods like it’s something Ward doesn’t deserve. 
  • Restricting outside contact: Okay, here’s the thing. HYDRA was not this big organized network in terms of contact. Passing notes in class would’ve gotten them caught much earlier, basically. So John had this prime opportunity to isolate Ward, and did so.
  • It’s unclear if Ward was literally out in the woods for an entire fucking decade. For my own sanity I pray to god he wasn’t but even if he wasn’t and he and John only visited after the initial approximately six-month long period of isolation, Ward specifically mentions in episode one that he was trained to work alone. John made sure he would not do team work. He was a sniper, as we see in episode 1; he’s a specialist. He has no team. No one he trusts. He has no one to tell and no connections in SHIELD that aren’t connections John has made for him. And obviously John’s connections are all fucking HYDRA. And even if they WEREN’T—like, say, if Ward met Phil prior to the big fuckfest—Ward sure as shit wouldn’t know. So he would be terrified to approach them.
  • It’s safe to say for the next fifteen years of his life, minus the approximate…eh, six months or so that the team has been together, (assuming every mission is a once a week thing, or once every two weeks), Ward was alone. Ward had John, an occasional person John worked with that Ward couldn’t trust or make contact with, and that’s about fucking it. That is literally the most basic isolation case. Fucking textbook. Not any less terrifying for it, but if you can’t see that John deliberately isolated Ward for his own purposes you’re not watching the same show.
  • Manipulation of emotions/mental state: Okay, literally about two lines in, John’s taunting Ward’s masculinity. It’s very blatant; “Mommy and daddy aren’t coming for you/aren’t you going to be a man?” He plays to the very clear fact that Ward at that moment is a desperate, terrified little boy looking for control. That was why he burned his house down and tried to kill his brother; as a victim of abuse, he was desperately seeking some form of control over his situation, and had been pushed to the point that killing his brother felt like his only option. He was looking for control, so John taunted him in an attempt to force him to reassert his masculinity-by going with John. Admittedly, Ward was in a shitty situation as it was; he’d have ended up in prison and everything, but like…jesus fuck, talk about a rock and a hard place. 

John spends literally ninety percent of his dialogue with Ward taunting him or guilting him. He pretty much bullies Ward into saying yes to him in prison, then once they’re reunited post-17, his dialogue boils down to the exact lines; “Why can’t you just be happy for me?” and being angry at him for “not being able to finish what I asked you to do” (he means killing Buddy for all you people who still for WHATEVER REASON think Ward shot the only fucking thing that had ever loved him unconditionally)

Not only that, but all his talk about being sick and dying and shit is pretty clearly also designed to affect Ward and convince Ward to stay. Not that it’s not true, but John has very clearly been manipulating Ward with his illness into staying by his side for a long time, based on Ward’s reaction when he needs treatment after Fitz attacks him. Fitz—who Ward truly loved and wanted to protect, and probably projected his younger brother onto—was shoved aside because Ward’s decades of abuse had told him that John being sick meant he had to be there. Ward was kept close because John told him he needed him because he was ill. He made Ward feel relied on and guilted him into staying. It wasn’t quite like the common abuser tactic—“oh if you leave me I’ll kill myself”—but it was pretty close. More like “if you leave me I’ll die without you” which is still horrendous. And totally manipulative.

As for things to understand about ABUSERS, and why John is 100000% an abuser

  • I don’t care that he was totally charismatic. Abusers don’t wear a fucking sign on their head that says they’re abusers. The media has fucking lied to you; not everyone who is evil looks like it, sorry. Monsters are just as human as everybody fucking else. John was friendly and chatty and bffs with the Director and Phil Coulson and also an abuser. Because here’s the thing; if you don’t think the fact that John, as the Level 8 agent who was Nick Fury’s personal protege and the best friend of the DIRECTOR and Phil Coulson, who very clearly was one of the Director’s closest friends, held all that power and prestige over Ward, who was his junior officer and also had a criminal record due to trying to protect his siblings (not that anyone would care, since abuse victims retaliating and trying to protect themselves are usually treated like shit by the courts), you’re wrong. “No one will believe you/I have the real power here” are so fucking common as an abusive tactic. Ward was made to feel like he had no one to turn to and nowhere else to go.
  • Abuse is a cycle. So John being friendly and sweet towards Ward sometimes doesn’t fucking mean he wasn’t a total abusive piece of shit. He left him out in the fucking woods and didn’t give a shit if he died—EXPECTED HIM TO, if “I didn’t expect you’d still be here” is any indicator. 
  • Fuck him. Fuck any implied kindness he showed. It was all an absolute fucking lie and a way to make Ward feel guilty for any resentment or negativity he harbored. And that’s all.
  • As for John not LOOKING abusive, and that he managed to act as Trip’s SO without abusing him either; abusers know what a good target looks like.They are like predators—they ARE predators. They go after the metaphorical “Sick and weak” of the pack. Trip, the grandson of Director Carter and Gabe Jones? Not a weak target. Grant Ward, 15 year old child with a criminal record and nowhere else to go/an abusive family who wouldn’t come looking for him? Target of the century.

John chose Ward as a target specifically and groomed him. And that’s why Ward still cares about John. John manipulated and belittled and tormented him until Ward didn’t see any other option, any other place to go, or any other person who cared about him, and John made Ward feel like John NEEDED HIM due to his illness/injury. Ward was gaslit until he fucking suffocated. He cares about John because he’s terrified of what might happen if he didn’t. And in a twisted way, John’s convinced Ward that he OWES HIM; that Ward would be in prison or dead without him. It doesn’t matter what else he’s done. John’s twisted Ward until he’s terrified of any kind of retribution from John, so he does as he’s told because it gets him hollow rewards that make him feel safe in an unsafe system. He is frightened, but he has been belittled to the point that he truly genuinely has NO IDEA WHO HE IS OUTSIDE OF JOHN’S INSTRUMENT.

I don’t know what else to tell you. I don’t know how much more clearly I can explain it. I hope that’s enough. I need this fandom to understand that everything that happened with John was absolutely fucking abuse and if you don’t agree, I don’t give a shit about what else Ward has done, fuck you you’re absolutely wrong. Everything else is another argument. This is abuse. And he was abused.

For some more reading on abuse: this is a good place to start.