I think I’m finally ready to answer this question. Let me start with how things were going before it happened.
My life was great. I mean, I’ve been unhappy with myself for a huge part of my life, but besides that, everything was going great. I just graduated with a high score, I was dating a great person (I thought) and I was planning on studying aboard. Lukas was my biggest support. He was my very best friend. There was no “Elisabeth”, or “Lukas”, there only was “Elisabeth and Lukas”. We were always toghether. Everyone knew how special our relationship as twins was. And I think every twin will understand. You have to know that it wasn’t so easy all the time. I can say that i’m a well known person in my city. People gossip about me all the time. And you wouldn’t see it if you saw me, but if affected my life deeply. I can’t even write how much I hate myself because of those people. It has always been this way and there’s no way back anymore I think. So me leaving high school, meant a new beginning for me. I was so so ready for it. It was so important for me. And then it happened.
On the night of 22 and 23 July 2014, I received a message from my twinbrother. “Elisabeth, I will kill myself tonight. Don’t make the same mistake." I was on a party. I was on a damn party when I received this. And I knew that I couldn’t do anything. I’m crying so hard right now because you have no idea how I felt that moment. I knew my life was over and I couldn’t do anything. I was too far away. So I called the police and an ambulance but I didn’t knew where he was so I sent them to my house. Meanwhile I called my dad (he wasn’t home) and told him that Lukas was planning to kill himself. But I knew, I knew I was too late. Twins feel it.
I knew I fucking knew. My dad called the neighbours + my older brother. After, he jumped into his car. My mom was on vacation, so I couldn’t reach her. 10 minutes later the cops called and told me that he wasn’t at our place. I shouted that they had to search in every forest in the neigbourhood. By the time that I was driving home, an ambulance passed our car. I can still hear the sirenes. When I came home, it was my brother who had found him. They were rescue breathing him, but I knew there was no hope. This is a phonecall i’ll never forget:
"No. Please no."
"They found him daddy."
"No. No. No."
"Daddy will be home soon."
By the time my dad got home, they stopped rescue breathing. We were 10 minutes too late. 10 minutes. I want to bang my head against a wall every time I think about it. And I remember it so clearly. My dad got out the car and the only thing he said was: “We have to be strong.” Then he collapsed. And I shouted. For God sake I shouted so loud I thought my lungs were going to collapse. My dad held me in his arms a very long time (I think). It all went black for me. My dad kept following me around the house because he was so scared I would kill myself. I’m not sure if that was what I wanted at the time, but I know it is now. And I don’t know if you know how it feels when something is too painful that your whole body hurts. That’s how I’m feeling since that day. I didn’t eat anything for 3 days straight. I can’t even tell you how I felt when I had to tell his friends. I knew they were feeling it too. I know they’re feeling it every day. And eventhough it hurted so much, I couldn’t cry. I still can’t. I was paralyzed. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me.After this happened: the guy I loved left me without any respect for his ex girlfriend and is now telling everyone that he never loved me; my studies aboard were cancelled and I wake up every day trying to convince myself not to end my life. I lost him. I lost everything.
Lukas was 18 years old and hang himself. He had alcohol in his blood and they call it an accidental suicide. It means that your head gets in a sort of tunnel and you don’t realise what you’re doing. Later, we found a goodbye letter in his back pocket. He wrote it when he was already drunk. It was almost unreadable. But it told us (besides that he loved me and my mom and dad) that most of the time he had to wear a mask. He was done pretending he was happy.
And that’s exactly how a lot of teenagers are feeling right this moment. They can’t breathe, they can’t show themselves. You know why? Because our society won’t let them. Our society tells us that we have to be happy, that we have to be pretty; otherwise we’re freaks. But are we? I mean: be fair: have you ever thought about killing yourself? I think a lot of people have. And I think a lot of people are capable of doing it. And I think too many people have already done it. Tell me: would you walk away if someone told you he feels miserable? Would you? Tell them. Telll everyone you love that it’s okay to feel not okay. Tell them you love them, no matter what. Make them feel comfortable. Hold them, for God sake, hold them till they can’t breathe. Because before you know, they’re gone. Before you even realise, it’s the very last time you see them.