I started hating my legs when I was about 7 or 8 years old. I
was standing in a Gap changing room with my mom while she complained about the
pockets on different jeans making my thighs look extra bulky.
When I was 13, (5,2” 100 pounds) she was driving me to the
gym and she pestered me about wearing long leggings, rather than shorts. “Maybe
if you actually worked and felt good about yourself you’d wear shorts,” she’d
Four years ago when I was 16 and in the eleventh grade, I
was at a pretty unhappy time in my life. This was for a few different reasons,
but I began to lose interest in school, in my friends, and in my sports. I
became less active, and this, coupled with stopping gymnastics at age 14 and my
liking of food, had led me to get a little on the chubby side.
One rainy day in class one of my good guy friends and
another guy (whom I’d on/off liked) started making jokes and then referred to
me as “Zeus.” I didn’t know what they meant, and I kept trying to find out for
the next couple weeks whilst they continued to use this name. Then my friends
found out, and they didn’t want to tell me what it meant. Finally one did. She
looked at me with so much pity, her eyes dropping while she said: “Like you
know.. Zeus.. thunder.. thunder thighs”
I couldn’t even cry, I just felt so sad.
I actually don’t believe in using the word “hate”, but damn I really did
dislike my legs.
After grade 11 I began to slim down a little.
Three days ago I was lying in bed with my boyfriend who I
have now been with for about six months. I was - in a light-hearted manner -
complaining about the fat I’ve gained from all of our recent going out to eat.
These endeavors have, in fact, led me to get back to the same weight I was in
grade 11. (Hopefully this won’t last long, because it feels bad.) Boyfriend
grabs me and he says, “Babe stop, I love your body.” He continues to tell me
about all the things he likes, and even mentions that the first time we slept
together he thought I looked like a Victoria’s Secret model. When he was listing
off things he liked, he then goes “..your stomach, your thick thighs..” and I had
to stop in shock at how ironic this was.
In grade eleven my thick thighs had been so hurtful to me, and
here I was 4 years later being praised for them. He even referred to them as
thunder thighs (god forbid) all in the same sentence – talking about them
almost like he was proud.
The point of this story is to say that you should not be
ashamed of who you are. We all have things we do and do not like, and there are
always people who will and won’t be nice. We grow up in certain cultures, we
change, and yet we are still ourselves.. and so susceptible to everything. But
for every person out there who will embarrass you and make you feel hurt, there
is somebody who will love you for everything. Love yourself first to make
things easier. People who properly love and respect you will come along, even
if you have to wait for a while.
Everybody saw us fight. They heard the war of words across the comm. Witnessed the exchange of angry glances and stone hard glares. What they never saw, what the public never saw was the raw soul bearing confessions. The comfort and ease in a single touch. The fear that echoed into an eternity of past sins.
“Al shar’anu Ala. Al eburi’anu Ala.”
“Karata hum pajahi.”
The desert has its own language. Harsh and bitter, not so unlike the disguised love between us. It was full of pain and frustration, and it manifested in the shapes of cold tears at the corners of her eyes.
I’ve never believed in fate. I’ve only ever believed in time and that everything happens, because we make it. We are not puppets on strings. Our futures not determined by something pre-designed. We aren’t here for any reason other than to simply be and to do.
We both knew that the desert would catch up to us. There is only so far you can run. There are only so many places you can hide, until it finds you. And it had found her.
What do we do now? Stay and wait for the storms to come or do we go back, fight it on familiar land?
Oyezoyezoyez, je profite de ces quelques nouvelles illustrations pour vous annoncer l’ouverture de ma boutiqueSOCIETY6 :D
Vous étiez plusieurs à m’avoir demandé si je vendais des impressions de mes travaux, c’est fait ! J’ai aussi mis quelques visuels disponibles pour des impressions de coussins, t-shirt ou coques d’Iphone.
Si vous en commandez, n’hésitez pas à m’envoyer une photo du rendu et s’il y a des choses à améliorer, j’en prendrais note avec grand plaisir ! De même je n’ai mis en ligne que mes nouveautés, mais si vous préféreriez commander des illustrations plus anciennes, n’hésitez pas à me le demander