stopover:troy

meg-mckinley asked:

Obviously, you're not a fan of "Troy" (based on that last textpost) having not yet read the Iliad - could you point out some of the specific flaws of the movie that mar the interpretation? I liked the movie, but like all "historical-ish" films, I'm sure there are a multitude of flaws - is it even similar to the original text in any way shape or form or did Hollywood botch it big-time?

Oh god. Where do I even start? I’m just going to do this as a series of questions I had while watching the movie because I literally don’t even know how to address all of these issues coherently. Why the fuck are all the Trojans white? Why is fucking everyone white? Why is Brad Pitt in this movie at all? Why does Patroclus sound like a frat boy? Can we start calling him Fratroclus? Why the fuck are you pretending he’s Achilles’ cousin? Is it because THEY’RE GAY AS FUCK AND HOLLYWOOD CAN’T FUCKING HANDLE THAT? Who the fuck did the voice work with these actors? Did anyone even do voice work with these actors?  Why the fuck is Helen claiming she’s never seen Sparta when she was fucking born and raised there? How the fuck did Achilles just behead a gold statue with a bronze sword? Are the filmmakers familiar with the concept of physics? Where the fuck are all the the gods? Since when the fuck is Briseis related to Hector and Paris? Wait what the fuck did Menelaus just DIE? Do they not know Menelaus survived the war? Wait what the fuck did AGAMEMNON just die??? Do they not know that he ALSO survived the war??? Wait wait wait did AJAX just die???? WHY ARE THEY IGNORING THE SOURCE MATERIAL????? AND MORE IMPORTANTLY THAN ANYTHING ELSE WHERE IN THE THUNDER-BLASTED FUCK IS DIOMEDES? HE’S THE CHARACTER WITH THE LONGEST FUCKING ARISTEIA IN THE FUCKING ILIAD AND YOU FUCKING CUT HIM FROM THE FUCKING MOVIE???????? RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE SING O GODDESS THE WRATH OF EVERY MOVIE-GOER WHO HAS EVER READ THE WIKIPEDIA ARTICLE ON THE ILIAD.

If you’re interested in a less rant-y explanation I recommend this article from The Guardian, rightly entitled ‘Troy is a Historical Travesty.’

When you walk out of your class expecting some cute Larry stuff on your dash and then:

Zayn… diD WHAT