monday morning nightmare

CONCIERGE: Hi, ma’am, good mor-
GUEST: Yeah good morning. Give me subway directions to St. John’s.
CONCIERGE: Do you have a specific building you’re looking for?
GUEST: Just St. John’s. Admissions maybe? We need to be there by 10. My daughter doesn’t know. I’m trying to text her and she doesn’t know.
CONCIERGE: Okay well just so you’re aware, St. John’s is far out into Queens and not easily accessible by subway. 
GUEST: Just give it to me.
CONCIERGE: Alright, I just wanted to make sure you knew the exact address for sure before I sent you all the way out there.
GUEST: Why can’t you just give it to me?!
CONCIERGE: Well sure, I just-
GUEST: Just get me the subway directions to Queens and we’ll hail a taxi outside whatever subway it is.
CONCIERGE: I’m not sure that there will be taxis readily available at that particular location. It’s not a location where yellow cabs pass by a lot.
GUEST: Look if I’m in Queens I can get there. Just get me to Queens.
CONCIERGE: Ma’am, Queens is a big area. Not everywhere is going to have taxis available. What I can do is try to-
GUEST: Okay listen. We have BEEN there before. To Queens. We flew into LaGuardia one before. Just get me as far as LaGuardia. There’s a bus depot there with lots of taxis at the LaGuardia.
CONCIERGE: LaGuardia is nowhere near St. John’s. I would recommend a private car, but we won’t be able to get a car here immediately. You could try checking with the doorman-
GUEST: No. I said. Just get me as far as LaGuardia. In the subway.
CONCIERGE: For LaGuardia, you can take the N or Q train Uptown to Astoria Blvd, then transfer to the M60 bus. But again, I just don’t want you to miss an appointment, this is an unreliable way of getting there and could take over an hour. I could give you subway and bus directions to St. John’s, but again, it’ll take over an hour.
GUEST: Look. I’ve BEEN to Queens. I’ve flown in there. I know my way around Queens.
CONCIERGE: I can’t impress upon you enough how big of an area Queens is. I don’t want you to miss an important appointment because you get lost or can’t find a cab. 
GUEST: We want to skip all the Manhattan traffic. There can’t be any traffic. We need to be there and I can’t be sitting in traffic.
CONCIERGE: There will also be traffic in Queens, ma’am. Very bad traffic this time of day.  
GUEST: Uh yeah right, okay, I don’t THINK so.
CONCIERGE: What??? I’ve lived here my whole life! I am a concierge! I’m looking at the information online as we speak. My father is a faculty member at St. John’s. Believe me, I know, ma’am. I know and you don’t. I am the one who knows!!!! You are not the knower!!!! I am!!! I live here!!!! You don’t! I do!! I KNOW THINGS!!!! You think that flying into an airport ONCE makes you a fucking QUEENS EXPERT!!! You are, if anything, LESS knowledgeable about Queens than someone who HASN’T been in an airport there once BECAUSE of your STUBBORN BELIEF that you already know the thing that you do not know!!!! You’ve been to one of the world’s largest cities exactly TWICE and you think that makes you more knowledgeable about Queens than a fucking concierge who fucking lives here!! You DON’T!! YOU’RE NOT!!! YOU’RE RUDE AND YOU’RE IGNORANT and you’re PROBably RUINing YOUR DAUGHTer’s LIFE!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Alarm rings. CONCIERGE jolts awake in bed.)

CONCIERGE: Oh god. Oh thank god. A dream. It was all a dream. It was all just a terrible dr-

(CONCIERGE rolls over. Jaw drops in horror. No. No. Nooooo.)

GUEST: I don’t THINK so.

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You can’t wear a fatkini EVERYDAY (or, I guess you can, but I only have one and I hate to put on a wet swimsuit). Today, instead, it’s a metallic brassy-black open-back suit that I bought at least a decade ago. And I still love it.


Well, everybody else is doing the fatkini thing this year, so I decided to give it a shot. Here’s how I wore mine today at Turtle Bay Beach, Caneel Bay Resort, St. John (US Virgin Islands). My sister had one criticism — that the top isn’t sexy enough and I should show more “assets.” :) Also I want to size down in the bottoms since these got big and saggy once they were wet.

Enjoy also two action (inaction?) shots of me basking in the Caribbean sun  and miraculously clear water.

Top - XL, Reebok

Bottoms - 22/24, Walmart