A few months ago, I had an aggressive confrontation with two men in the parking lot next to my house. I was walking out of my house, and i’m not sure what happened. Maybe I interrupted a drug trade. As I got into my car they tried blocking me into the parking lot and followed me for a bit until I lost them. As I was driving around trying to kill time before going back home, I saw a womyn taking furniture and other belongings out to the curb. She looked very sad, so I parked and got out my car to talk with her. I asked her what she was doing, and if she needed help. She told me that her mother had just passed away, and that these where all of her belongings. She explained that she had been a bit of a hoarder, and that the home was deemed unlivable, and that she had nothing of value. After telling her that I was sorry for her loss, I told her that I loved the house, and thought it was very beautiful. (a two story house with a bungalow porch on about an acre of land). She told me that it was paid off, but she wasn’t sure what to do with it. She said it needed more work than she could afford, and not in any condition to rent out. She also explained that she may try to sell it to a bank, but was just too stressed to bother with any other serious thoughts. After some small talk, circling around her mothers belongings and what she could do with them, I told her where I lived and said good bye. I never got her name. When I got back home, the two men where still in their car waiting at the corner. They yelled and honked at me, I couldn’t make out what they where saying, but I drove to a friends house to grab pepper spray. Knowing that I couldn’t stay away from my own house. I went back home, armed with a knife and pepper spray to face what could potentially happen. They weren’t there.
Yesterday while I was on my run, I saw the house. It was completely empty. The fence was open so I walked into the back yard. I noticed that the back door had no door handles, so I pushed it lightly, it was open. I looked inside the house and the first thing I noticed was a giant hole in the wood floor. I tested the sturdiness of the foundation with my foot, and walked into the house. The house was giant, and beautiful, and old. There where holes in the walls exposing the innards, chipped paint, broken windows, and bits of trash everywhere. Although, it was beautiful. It had a chandelier, and huge fireplace, double sliding french doors, and a claw foot tub. I walked around the house slowly, and stood at the bottom of the stairs looking up. I thought about going upstairs, but I didn’t. I told Alfie that I would pick her up from work. On the car ride home after picking Alfie up, I told her about the house. We talked about my obsession with the house and how I spoke about it after the last time I saw it. I told her that I wanted to go up stairs, but I didn’t because I was scared, and that I was disappointed with myself. She asked why. I said I was disappointed with myself because I gave into a fear of the unknown. I explained that fear is something we make up with in ourselves when our gut and mind may not have the answers, but that going up the stairs could have either led to a person waiting to attack me, or the most beautiful view of the sky I’ve ever seen. She said she loved me. I love her too. I said I needed to go back.
Today I spent most of the day sitting at home. My ex partner recently moved directly across the street from me, which has been a stress of its own. I was sitting on my porch when they pulled up in a car with someone else I knew who was giving them a ride home. When I realized who it was, I went inside my house and watched from the window. The person who gave them a ride home, is a person who has made me feel very uncomfortable in the past. Asking me anonymous questions here on my tumblr, and telling me things that have made we want to crawl out of my skin. The details are irrelevant to the story, but pertained to my relationship with my ex. None the less, this person is probably one of the only other people in this town who is as passionate about the same radical drives as myself. So, I put those things aside and tried to get to know them on a more personal level. Seeing as how we have participated in some of the same campaigns, actions, and think similarly on so many things I wanted to be friends with them so much. Recently their sweetheart of multiple years broke off their monogamous relationship. In attempts to be closer with this person, I took them on a friend date. We went to the movies, and out to lunch. We talked a lot about our feelings. Feelings about our ex’s. I expressed a lot of things to them that I don’t openly speak about, but it felt okay. So, when I saw my ex partner get out of a car with this person, walk into the house together, and then walk back out…..then have some sort of in depth conversation by the car (telling by the hand gestures and body language), ending with a romantic good bye. I didn’t really know what to think or feel, or why i was thinking or feeling that way. The only thing I knew to do was to put on my shoes and run. So that’s what I did. I ran, and ran until I looked up at the sky that was becoming dark grey with rain clouds as the wind picked up. I started to cry. I happened to be next to the empty house, and with out even thinking about it, I identified it as a safe space and sat on the porch. I sat there, and I cried while watching the pink sky turn dark grey. I didn’t know why I was crying, or why the whole thing even mattered to me, but I was so upset. I didn’t want to leave the porch, but I knew I was going to have to go home. Even if it meant I was going to have to face things I didn’t want to, I would have to go home. After sobbing for a while, I heard a large crash and saw a shadow. I figured I should leave. I didn’t stick around to see if it was a person, or maybe just heavy wind. I ran back home and forgot all about the upstairs to the house. I still need to go back.
There is a relationship growing between me and this house.
To be abandoned is to be disregarded, with out restraint. To be rewilded.