So this morning I had a brush with death. 

I woke up to a blood curdling scream coming from my fiance as she raced down the stairs. Being the protective male I am caused me to spring up and rush to her side. She panicked and told me there was a “giant spider” upstairs on my backpack. Really? You woke me up cause theres a “giant spider” upstairs? Reluctantly, and frankly, a little annoyed, I walked up the stairs preparing to kill a wolf spider or a jumping spider or any other disgusting creatures that love to share our farm house with us. So as I got into the bathroom I approached the new dwelling of the “giant spider” with a paper towel expecting to smash it, flush it, and be done with it. As I reached my hand to roll the backpack I was frozen by the sight I saw.

Before I go any further I should tell you that I am deathly afraid of spiders. I reluctantly “control” the spider population with the bottom of my shoe and that even creeps me out. When I put my hand near the backpack I saw a large orange and black striped leg climbing over to give this creature a better look at me. This “giant spider” was not a GIANT spider; it was the spiderking of New Jersey. 

Armed with only a paper towel and a pot lid, I backed up to reassess the situation. The spiderking looked at me with all 4,986 of his eyes (exaggerated) pondering why i had entered his domain. I needed bigger weapons. My fiance brought me a crutch and I found a medium sized 4 gallon plastic moving box to defend myself with like a shield. The hunt was on…

With the crutch I was able to poke at the spider and try and knock it off the backpack, but this posed a problem. The spider would be threatened and be free on the floor to scurry away and get to a place I could not reach. That was not allowed to happen, I am the king of my house and I will not share with another king, especially a spiderking. I had one shot. The plan was to hit the backpack, knocking the spider off, and then capturing it under the plastic box before it could get away. But this is no ordinary spider. This king of spiders has faced many humans and animals before and has killed them all (also slightly exaggerated). As I hit the backpack he hung on and climbed into a small pocket on the front. My first reaction was “Oh great he moved! He won! ll I can do now is burn the whole effing house down and hope that kills him!” but, like a true big game hunter, I stayed poise.

My fiance gave me reassuring praises of the “You can do it!” and “Your the man!” sort, but I was getting doubtful. Not only was this spider ugly and resourceful, he was BIG as he later measured well over five and a half inches (not exaggerated). I stuck the end of the crutch in the bag in hopes to draw the spiderking out again to the surface where we would dual again and this time, I was successful. The picture above shows his position moments before I struck the bag with the crutch again. I was slowly able to work him farther and farther down the bag, and at one point had to grab the bag and shake it a little. Then it happened…

The spiderking jumped, and in all his disgusting and creepy glory, landed on the floor gracefully. This happened in slow motion because, as I had just learned, the spiderking can also slow down time (exaggerated a lot). I had to break his spell that froze me in place. I could not let him win, I have myself and more importantly, my fiance, I have sworn to protect. I broke my stupor and lunged at him with the box, trapping him underneath. Victory was mine… for now. 

I managed to slide a piece of cardboard under the opening of the box in hopes eventually I can flip the box over and release him into the wild. I placed an empty water jug on top of the box because the spiderking looked as if he could move the box at will. This was a mistake that luckily my fiance corrected as she warned me to fill the water jug to add more weight because a known fact is that spiders can lift 1000x their own body weight and this sucker probably weighed 5 pounds (not a known fact, and, well, not even a fact, just arachnaphobs fear). 

So there sits the spiderking. Under 25 pounds of water and a plastic encasement waiting to be released. The only problem is, I don’t know what to do with him! I don’t want to flip the case over and risk him escaping because the spiderking does not get caught twice. Any brave soul willing to come dispose of him is more then welcome to come do so but don’t say I didn’t warn you!

For those interested, this spider is called a Dark Fishing Spider and is relatively poinsonless, although when disturbed it will bite and leave a wound similar to a the flesh part of a gun shot wound where bitten. My theory to as to why it is here related to the fact that our water pump in our well broke and it took our landlord 7 days to fix it. This dried all of our pipes out forcing the spiderking to search for his prey. I bet he was walking down a pipe looking for small fish when the water turned back on and, BOOM, he was flushed all the way to our house. I do not want to kill him as he is a magnificent creature and did not mean any harm being in our house. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time but, I will if I have to. Any suggestions would be helpful!