So I know I don’t normally post stuff like this. But I figured why not. It might do me good to talk about this. Or at least get it off my chest and know maybe a few people read this.

So when I was little I was molested/tortured by another girl for 3 years. No one knew until I was a sophomore in high school. It was pretty bad but I managed to get through it. It was hard. But I was making progress.
The hardest thing to work around is the flashbacks. They are the worst. They hurt and I’m always afraid I’ll hurt someone else during them. I hate that pain. No one knew about those until my freshmen year of college. I’m twenty now. It took me near 12 years to be anywhere near better after everything started. I was finally learning what it meant to be okay.

Then one of my best friends took advantage of me while I was sleeping. He destroyed everything I was working for. Everything I was trying to do. It was horrible. It destroyed me. I’m so used to getting hurt and just getting up and this time I don’t know how to get up. It hurts. Everything is different now and I hate how much he was able to hurt me.

So that happened about a month and a half ago. And about a week ago I started having this phantom feelings. Like the sensation of a popsicle stick againstb your teeth or the sound of Styrofoam rubbing against each other. Except that sensation is everywhere. All over. In my head. It drives me crazy. And its starting to get worse. More and more things are triggering me. More and more stuff is causing me to have mini panic attacks. More and more new fears. And if the sensation wasn’t enough I have started having horrible compulsions. The first one was to brush my teeth. Seventeen times till my gums were bleeding. I have only done it once and I have not gone through any of my other compulsions. Like rubbing my skin raw, ripping out my hair, tearing off my nails.
And now tomorrow I may or may not be seeing a psychiatrist. I’m scared shitless. I hate the sensation in my head. I hate the feeling that’s only getting worse. I can’t even brush my hair without being scared I’m gonna throw up. I can’t hold cards or put on certain clothing. I was curled up in a ball behind a door in only a towel because I was afraid to pull on my clothes. I’m stressing everyone else out. And I’m completely afraid of everything. I’m afraid it’s going to be too much and boyfriend will leave me. I’m afraid I’m doing permanent damage to my siblings. My youngest sister thought it was her fault. My mother is worried. I hate it. I hate myself for not being strong enough. I can’t even sleep. The dreams… they shouldn’t terrify me the way they do. I am forcing myself to eat because everyone will worry more if I don’t. I’m developing stupid idiocencricies… I’m scared. I’m so scared of it all.

I’m afraid of fucking q-tips! I’m afraid of things rubbing against my nails. I hate it. I hate how it’s everywhere. I wish, oh I wish I could stop thinking about it. I wish I could just think of something else. It’s not working… I can’t sleep. It’s there. In my head. All the time. It gets worse. And I hate making everyone think they did something wrong when they trigger it. I hate it. I hate it so much. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can do anything. I’m losing my grip on everything. And it sucks because I know I’m not okay.. when have I ever been okay? I’ve been through hell and back. There is no okay. But if I can pretend… I can get through everything. I just need to pretend. And its so hard when you keep getting slammed in the face with the I’m not okay. With the hurt and the crazy. I can’t even begin to understand how to really be okay. But I need to be. I wanna be happy and make the ones I love happy. I wanna help my boyfriend and support him and be able to let him see me okay. I don’t wanna worry him and drive him away. I’m scared it’s too much and I’m too messed up and he’s gonna go. I don’t want him to leave. But he gets upset when I don’t talk and I feel like if I do talk I’ll have too much baggage. Too whiny. Too damaged. Its easy to point to something broken and say its not when you’ve never seen it whole. And after writing this all I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t know if anyone will read this. It’s pretty long. I’ll probably update the situation tomorrow after I get through my visit.

so me and tavbabe are gonna be taking some questions

whatever you feel like but remember tav is a huge sissy

well also be on omegle if you wanna see us there

dAVE, i AM NOT A SISSY, }:(

((we’ll be under the tags homestuck, davetav, spazzyninja, and dot823. you can’t see it because I’m a genius and covered my shirt with my knee but I’m wearing my Tavros shirt and doing human fem tavros because I didn’t know my lovely moirail, spazzyninja, would be dave-ing today. :3))

Close

*giggles*

Okay, I honestly love my older sister. She knows just when to comfort me, even when to just sit in the room with me. People are always saying that the have objects that comfort them and make them calm and not panic.

Well, instead of an object, I got her. She is one of the best people on the planet. She isn’t perfect, hell, and she never will be. She can be frustrating and annoying, but it makes me love her more.

Even if she is scared of me sometimes (Imma eat yo liver Cherry) With good reason, I know she still loves me.

And like wow, I wish I could share her with all my friends who are down and sad, because she will literally cheer you up in 3 minutes. She knows how to make people feel good about themselves and be calm and collected in most situations. (totally opposite of me) She pays attention small details about people and remembers them. She is just great and I love her.

I've been tagged!

Tagged rule 1: Always post the rules. Rule 2: Answer all the questions from the person who tagged you and post them, also write 11 new questions. Rule 3: Tag 11 more people and put a link in their ask boxes. Rule 4: You can’t answer questions unless you were tagged by the poster. (sorry, guise.)

1. Are you happy being the age you are? Why or why not?

Yeah, I’m happy being 18. I have the freedom I want the majority of the time, and I’m still a teen!

2. Do you like Disney movies or do you find that you can’t get into them anymore?

I LOVE Disney. LOVE it. It’s the best. Especially the princesses.

3. How was the last book you read?

It was great :) I’m easily pleased when it comes to books(and movies…and youtube…and tv…yeah.) I don’t need the BEST actors and the BEST story and the BEST everything. I go in with an open mind the majority of the time and usually it’s pretty good!

4. Do you prefer seeing movies in theaters or at home?

I like both, to be honest. I love going to the movies(as long as I’m not with a talker) because it’s a fun outing, but I also love just being alone and watching something.

5. Is there any cancelled show that you wish was still on?

Happy Town! and Roswell! and Merlin! Happy Town got canceled halfway through the season and the whole thing is about a killer and you NEVER find out who the killer is. SERIOUSLY?! It’s one of the main reason ABC irritates me. They have a lot of good shows but if they aren’t an immediate success, they ditch it. At LEAST give it a season! Roswell was really great. I loved it so much and I want more, but at the same time, the whole storyline finished so it would probably get pretty bad after that point.

6. How long have you liked your favorite band/singer?

I don’t really HAVE a favorite…I listen to everything…but my old favorite was Nsync, and I’ve loved them for over a decade! :3

7. Do you ever constantly ask yourself the same question? What is it and what’s the answer?

Usually I ask myself if I’m truly happy with the people I’m around, or if I actually like a guy if I have a crush. The answer is USUALLY yes, but that changes sometimes.

8. What’s stopping you from cutting your hair differently, wearing a new wardrobe, and moving somewhere new?

I love my hair and how long it is! (although I swear sometimes I want to chop it all of it’s such a bitch sometimes) But I am hopefully gonna get my hair trimmed and get the tips dyed orange some time in the next few months. For the last month I’ve mostly been wearing pajamas, but now that I’m heading back to school I might actually try, at least a little bit more, on some times so technically I am! and I’m not moving somewhere new because I have to finish college first. 

9. Have you told someone you love that you love them today? You should get on that. (Platonic, romantic, I frankly don’t care.)

Yup. :3

10. What makes you nervous everyday?

Relationship worries, the idea that my cat’s getting old, money…take your pick!

11. When’s the last time you belted out the lyrics to your favorite song? If it’s not right now then 

:D I’ve belted out the lyrics to multiple songs today! 

umm…questions…um…

1. Pokemon, Digimon, or some-other-mon?

2. What was your favorite superhero/s when you were younger?

3. Has an animal ever changed your life before?

4. What’s your newest obsession?

5. What was one of your favorite books from your childhood?

6. What’s the latest you’ve stayed up on your own?

7. What’s your favorite plant?

8. If you watch Youtube, what’s your favorite channel or person?

9. How long as it been since you treated yourself to some delicious food?

10. Would you rather buy new movies or new music?

11. How did you choose your url?

I’m tagging…

danpudi

thepasta-nerada

the-vashta-nerada

giraffelimbs

spazzyninja

bouncywalker

soberondrugs

pygmynoodles

calypsos-island

thehecticgl0w

friendliellama

so my moirail and I are a lot like Gamzee and Tavros(with me being Tav) and a few weeks ago I saw somebody wearing Gamzee’s exact color. My first reaction, before I even noticed anything else, was ‘oh fuck to the no you don’t have the fucking right to wear my moirail’s color’ and then i was like, ‘oh wait wait yeah they do have the right. the color doesn’t actually belong to any specific person and anybody can wear it. whoops.’ and I told my moirail that, and she told me she got annoyed at first when somebody was wearing a Taurus necklace. Whoops. 

Text
Photo
Quote
Link
Chat
Audio
Video