I haven't done this in a while...
So bare with me.
I haven’t just written out or blogged my feelings in SUCH a long time and I think it’s one of those nights where I need a good ‘ole fashioned venting session.
I’m tired of college. I hate it. I hate school with a passion. This isn’t what I want to do but I feel like it’s always what I’ve HAD to do. I was “too smart” not to go to college. Well, I hate it. I’ve been to 3 different schools, and I’m still not loving college. Don’t get me wrong, I love the social aspect of college… most of the time. But lately I can’t help but kick myself for wasting 3 years of my life doing something I’m not interested in.
So there’s that.
I just feel so unhappy with everything lately. I’m dating someone who I should truly be able to fall in love with. He’s good looking, tall, smart, funny, sweet, caring… yet here I am… not falling in love with him. Not even a little. Well, okay, there are sometimes when I’m with him and I feel a lot for him and think that maybe I COULD love him, but to me, I need to be feeling that all the time. And after 3 months of officially dating him and 5 months of knowing him… I just feel like something should be happening. I’m always in this constant battle of wanting to just end things and move on with my life yet at the same time being afraid of being alone… again.
He’s younger and inexperienced. I just keep telling myself that’s the reason and that once he figures out what a relationship is he’ll change. But it hasn’t happened yet.
I just hate the feeling of being unhappy and I can feel the darkness settling in again tonight. The depression and anxiety I feel about my life is consuming me. I haven’t been this deep for a year and I really thought I was pulling through WITH OUT the help of medication. I don’t want to be the depressed girl on drugs again but right now, I feel like I’m going to be.
Guess we’ll see what the morning brings. It’s a new and better day… right?