Sometimes I think about the fact that the narratives people are taught in schools are fucked up oppressive bs so of COURSE people carry those exact fucked up oppressive notions with them.
And how both the anger felt when those notions are then vocalized is valid, as is their confusion. What matters most here for me is not that those notions were expressed (which is rather damn important), but rather what the person does after. Do they deny what happened, or apologize and try to do better in the future?
It’s super valid to remain upset after of course, but again I (personally) really think it’s what is done in the after that matters as truly these fucked up ideas are what people are taught their whole lives so it isn’t a surprise at all that they are carrying them with them as you know, we all start from where we start from and such forth. This isn’t to say they are ok, or that intent trumps impact or anything like that, but honestly everyone fucks up.
We all fuck up. All of us. Not a single one isn’t carrying fucked up ideas and notions with them. There is no such a person, they simply do not exist, and pretending otherwise is disingenuous as all fuck.
Far more valuable to me than a thousand “receipts” and remembrances of things people said years upon years ago is what they said afterwards and have done since. If someone never tries to do better and does the same gross thing over and over in a pattern, or defends their grossness or something like that, yeah that person is a piece of shit who deserves scorn, but if they say something bad one or two times and seem to genuinely wish to learn to do better? Well then fucking give them a chance to do better.
I mean I am so glad I was already in my 20s when this site rose to prominence, as when I think of what sort of fuck ups would be following me had I had a blog like this at 13… fuck. Hell I know if someone wanted to search the LJ I maintained from age 16 onward they would find all kinds of messy things where my intent was there but I did not understand the issues or how to phrase things and I was generally horrible in every way I communicated myself… but given time I fucking learned, and I’d like to think I am a better person now than I was then.
In other words I’d more rather invest in someone who messes up a lot and acknowledges it appropriately and tries to do better than someone who is hyper aware of social issues but when they do fuck up just shuts down and never addresses it or tries to explain it away. Or worse yet seems to imagine themself above such things and doesn’t ever take the time to examine their own self and figure out what they might be doing that is extremely harmful to others
Because at the end of the day? We all are carrying around preconceived notions that hurt someone. No one raised in this horrible oppressive society has managed to escape indoctrination.