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Someone please give this Johanna Schneller woman a Skarsgard-shaped vibrator or something good lord

”[Alexander is] as tall, slender and golden as a shaft of wheat in the sun. In repose, his face is a study of angularity, cheek and jawbones jutting away, highlighting his sensual lips and the textbook movie-star cleft in his chin.”

”[Bill has] a moue that makes his startling cheekbones even more startling. His big eyes are the colour of barely-blue denim, and his perfect skin is the white-blue of 1-per cent milk. “

The world population of Skarsgårds has increased yet again.

Stellan Skarsgard father again - to a Kålbjörn

Stellan Skarsgard, 61, has become a father again, for the eighth time.

-”Early this morning Megan gave birth by planned caesarean. Everything went great. And there was yet another boy,” says Stellan to Nöjesbladet.

From the previous marriage with My Skarsgård, Stellan has six children. Alexander, Gustaf, Sam, Bill, Valter, and daughter Eija.

How does it feel to get another boy?

- "It’s great fun. It is 7-1 now. This suggests perhaps a monotonous sex life and so I slipped a little wrong once,” says Stellan and laughs.

Have you decided a name yet?

- “Yes, we think so. Kålbjörn. It is an old Viking name. Since it is well possible that we will just call him Cabbage …”

It would’ve been cute if Alex and Cabbage had the same birthday. MISSED OPPORTUNITY.

It turns out Vampire Eric is really a…family guy?

When True Blood star Alexander Skarsgard’s not sniffing out the whereabouts of Sookie, the fair-haired star often hops on 15-hour flights back to Sweden, he tells USA TODAY. “Sometimes it’s just for a weekend,” he says, to see his six younger siblings.

The star of the Straw Dogs remake (out Friday) is the oldest in a brood of six, with brothers ranging from 31, 29, 21, 15 (two are actors, one is a doctor) and 2, plus a 19-year-old sister. The toddler is from his father, actor Stellan Skarsgard’s second marriage. “I love that I’ve got brothers my age that I can go drink beer with, I’ve got teenager brothers and a teenage sister and I can talk to them about their life, and now I have a baby brother who’s 2 and he’s adorable,” he says.

And when Skarsgard’s in Los Angeles the single star keeps his home country close, throwing two Swedish-syle parties a year. “I usually throw a glug (Swedish mulled wine) party right before Christmas,” he says, “And then midsummer is a very big deal in Sweden. It’s our Fourth of July almost… I usually throw a midsummer party in June in LA.”

On the menu: “A lot of schnapps, a lot of aquavit, salmon, pickled herring. I love it.”

Life in the Skarsgård household, according to Gustaf.

In the U.S., Gustaf shares an agency with his father, Stellan. The elder brother Alexander, and the younger Bill, have also been there during the winter. To and from, they have lived together.

- We compete a lot with each other, the whole family. "Damn, did you? You fucking asshole!” we cry when someone gets a role that makes you jealous. It’s nice. It would be disgusting if we were to run around and be polite to each other. If you’re in a family in which 50 percent are actors, you have to be honest even with the less flattering sides of yourself, otherwise you can not continue to be tight.

I usually call my brother a fucking asshole just for fun.

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