This is a sitcom classic and anecdotally may have actually happened hundreds of times in real life to friends of friends, or maybe happened to no one at all, except for someone once on Roseanne. The idea is rooted in terrible psychology: “If you’ve done something bad, I’ll make you overdo it until you hate it.” Note that this will not work for sex or compulsive masturbating. It sounds reasonable on the one hand that making your kid smoke a carton will sicken them to the point of never wanting to smoke again. But realistically, when has overindulging in anything made you not want to do it? You have no idea how many times I’ve sworn off drinking after waking up next to a toilet, a shrub, a stranger, or crime scene tape. But I go back again when that sweet, sweet rum assures me it’ll take me to party town in a tub full of margarita.

No one has ever done anything bad to the point of wanting to stop, not really. It’s a secondary matter that causes you to hit rock bottom. You gamble your money away and that’s fine – it’s the homelessness and raging family who want you dead that make you regret it, not just being broke. You drink yourself into oblivion and that’s OK – it’s when you see video of yourself humping a trash heap that you start to feel bad in the soul. Likewise, no smoker ever thought, “Shit, I just smoked too much,” even if they threw up from it – it’s the cancer down the road that gets them. Which, ironically, is what you’re setting your kid up for if you force them to take in such an addictive megadose of nicotine in one sitting.

4 Things Kids Never Learn (Because Parents Teach Them Badly)


Popular sitcoms get the feminist upgrade they so desperately need 

Sometimes when I get bored I daydream about creating a Scrubs-style sitcom about librarians. Cast of characters so far:
  • A recent MLIS grad whose illusions regarding librarianship are shattered when the only job she can find after getting her degree is in a run down public library in a small town, where funding is a pipe dream and “programming” consists of telling patrons not to deal drugs in the bathroom.
  • A perpetually harassed branch manager whose expectations have sunk lower and lower with each passing year until he can barely muster the energy to leave his office.
  • An assistant branch manager, who uses the manager’s lack of involvement as an excuse to rule the library with an iron fist (at least in theory).
  • A children’s librarian who is great with kids and struggles with horrifying anger issues when dealing with adults.
  • A circulation librarian described by a coworker as “an eccentric genius, except not a genius.  So… just a weirdo, I guess.”
  • A librarian universally referred to as “the Fossil,” who is roughly twenty years past retirement age and habitually tries to ban people for walking too loudly.
  • A patron who everybody suspects maybe lives in the library, as he is never seen out of it.  May or may not be the one who deals in the bathroom.
And then!  Shenanigans happen! Things are hilariously misshelved! Cart races are had! Main Character maybe having a long-standing flirtation with the cute guy who runs the bakery across the street! And some Terribly Dramatic Season Finale involving a patron standoff! It would be amazing.