silent-illness

I was going to post a video

but then my computer was stupid.

It was basically about going through college with any invisible illness but focusing on IBD.

I’m about to graduate and I’ve been dealing with IBD (undiagnosed) for 3 years. You DO have resources. Every higher learning establishment is required to have an office of disabled student services. It is OK to register with them. You DO have a disabling illness. I know that I still struggle with identifying myself as disabled at school because I think nothing of the sort in the rest of my life. The fact is that you need all the help you can get. I know that I would have never made it through college in four years without help. It’s OK to ask for help. That’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned through this. So, if you’re thinking about going to college or if you’re scared of the whole idea, just message me. I’ll do the best I can. :)

I don't care that I'm cranky a lot.

I’m always fatigued, so much so that my hands shake and I get dizzy when I stand. Sometimes I get so hungry that my stomach hurts even though I just ate but at the same time there’s a high chance that I feel nauseous. I have a knot in the back of my neck that burns like a hot torch. I get migraines. I sweat way too much during naps, which I need a lot of. Curiously don’t sweat over night. I get freezing- not cold, if the temperature is below 60. So cold that my nail beds turn blue and even a scalding shower leaves my extremities cold to the touch. Irregular heartbeats, zap-like sharp pains that come with no warning are just things I’m used to. I battle depression, a poor self image and major social anxiety. All of which I think I have under control until suddenly I don’t.

Excuse the hell out of me for not always blowing sunshine out of my ass.

New Aura Experiences

As of the last couple weeks (August 28th til September 8th 2014) I have been experiencing a new (to me) symptom of Aura.  

Never have I experienced the horror of seeing faces everywhere in the darkness and the sound of someone whispering, muttering in my ear - but I can’t understand what they are saying.  I did some reading and I was relieved to see that it is a more complex symptom of Aura, that I was NOT going crazy.  

I was with my sister when the experience got really intense, I was anxious (sweating even) and confused.  Of course I was in the middle of a 3hr drive north to my cottage, but because I was experiencing so much fear in that moment, I could not bring myself to pull over.  I made it there, 1.5hrs later, but still encountered these faces through out the night, and again the following night. 

I’ve been formally diagnosed with Aura, Silent Migraines, etc.  The whole nine yards, but this may be something worth bringing up with my doctor.  It is pretty terrifying.

The invisible storm

There is nothing more alienating than something that is broken in the core, when others can only see the perfect exterior.

When the only comfort they can offer is to wish that you will find solace from your own personal storm.

How can they understand the wind when they cannot feel it on their face?

All they can see is how your skin is cracked and burnt and your hair blows around you,tangling

silent hill gem au, is anyone surprised. ok i havent figured out anything past this: claudia is emerald (it fits so WELL) and heather is a permanent fusion of alessa (whos a gem…carnelian, amethyst?) and cheryl (whos a human).

& i havent tried to figure out anything past that but im going to. tomorrow probably. input is acceptable…..or put characters into my box & ill pair them with a gem. either way

Life Purpose ...

I don’t recall how it was brought up, but someone said something to me that stuck - stuck hard.

“I feel sorry for you.”

This kind of surprised me, was it meant to be a sympathy thing? Another hit at my already flat ego?

Laughing she continues, “Sorry, that sounds mean.  But by your age, I had a purpose.  You have nothing, and you do nothing.”

Ouch.  I was not a “typical” teen, I didn’t party or drink much.  I always found the party scene flared up my Migraines and Aura really bad.  I hung out with a small group of guys, and was in a committed relationship with a guy for 5 years throughout high school.  

I am now a “young adult” at the age of 22.  I still don’t party or drink.  I never got into drugs or anything like that.  In fact, my worst addiction is gaming.  College has fell through a couple of times, I’ve worked since I was 15 years old, but not as much as of the last year or so.  

I am “fairly” responsible.  I volunteer and help out around the house as much as possible, and even though my family sees me as the “bitch with constant migraines” I try my very best to be present and patient. 

My mom had me when she was 17, and i’m sure it changed her life, gave her purpose.  She went on to study and pursue a career because she had me to care for and to encourage her to always self improve.  

I’ve been told I can’t have kids.  My uterus is not fit for child birth, miscarriages, yadda yadda.  I may never give birth to a child.  This hurts me in a huge way, I looked forward to being a mother, not even to give me “purpose”.  Ultimately this probably works out because I wouldn’t want to pass down this awful disease to my child.  My father and his father before him have the same problem… I just don’t like the idea of taking that risk.

Anyway, I am still looking for purpose I suppose.  I’m in a relationship, but I have learned to love myself enough that I don’t gauge my life purpose/value on the fact that I have a boyfriend.  For a long time, my only purpose was my family - they wanted me here on this earth.  But I see that slowly changing.

(Well, I guess my cat would be sad without me… maybe not.  Depends who has the treats.)

im gonna write a silent hill genrex crossover fic rn i dont care