When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for me to dissolve the bands that have connected me to Meghan, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that I should declare the causes that impel me to the separation. So here is why I want to break up.
When we first started hooking up, we held these truths to be self-evident, that we weren’t going to label anything too quickly, that we enjoyed keeping things casual, and that our favorite movie was ‘The Pursuit of Happyness.’
That’s it. That’s really all we had in common. We both liked that Will Smith movie.
But somehow we became “exclusive” and slowly but surely I stopped seeing my friends Derek and Rodney, I stopped reading Game of Thrones, and I stopped wearing cargo shorts.
Whenever any relationship becomes too oppressive and infringes upon my rock solid friendship with Derek and Rodney amongst other incivilities, it is my right to abolish it. I also kind of want to start seeing other people.
When a long train of abuses and usurpations reduces this relationship to absolute Despotism, one must question the limitations of the social contract he has entered. I think, “Tim, you’re only 24. What are you doing?”
Benjamin Franklin once nobly said, “He who sacrifices freedom for security deserves neither.” I think that makes sense in this context.
The history of my relationship with Meghan is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of absolute Tyranny over me. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.
- She has made me stop wearing cargo shorts.
- She has made me stop reading Game of Thrones.
- She has made me stop watching Game of Thrones.
- She has thrown out my Hooters T-Shirts.
- She has made me take Yoga.
- She has made me start flossing every day.
- She has made me stop hanging out with my boys, Derek and Rodney.
- She threw out my Japanese body pillow.
- She made me read the Fault in Our Stars.
- She made me watch the Fault in Our Stars.
- She did not let me go to PAX Prime festival in Seattle with Derek and Rodney.
In every step of oppression I have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms. I did not want to take Yoga. I think flossing is for sissies. I also did not want to see the “Fault in Our Stars” movie. It is not as good or as sad as “The Pursuit of Happyness.” It sucked butt, just like the book.
I therefore declare that I am absolved from all allegiance from you. I am free and independent and I have the full power to see other women, like Charlotte from Yoga. I think she might be into me.
Also, Derek and Rodney signed this too because they SUPPORT me. They are my bros and support this declaration of independence from you.
[Paul Laudeiro is the creator of shit rough drafts & has written for mcsweeney’s]