Yep, thats right! I’m pregnant.
I was incredibly late in announcing my pregnancy to the world. Why? Because out of all honesty I was a little bit worried about what people would think. Would they think less of me? Would they stop caring about me and think I’m getting fat? So many things went through my head whenever I considered announcing my pregnancy to the world. Not to mention, unlike most pregnant women it took me a long time to settle into the fact that yes, there was infact another human being growing inside of me.
While this pregnancy wasn’t exactly planned it was a blessing in my life. However, I spent a lot of my first trimester crying and screaming about everything. I wasn’t prepared to watch my body change. I hated the idea of gaining weight. I hated the fact that I had morning sickness, my skin and hair was always oily and no, it was not a ‘pregnancy glow’ it was oil. Just oil. That and the hormones rushing through me probably only made it worst. I used to listen to all of my pregnant friends telling me how much they loved pregnancy and it made me feel somewhat ashamed that I hated it so much. Not that I didn’t love my child, more that I just wasn’t ready to watch my body go through those changes. So I hated having my friends ask me how I was feeling. Every time that someone asked how the pregnancy was going, whether it was family, friends, or even strangers every single fibre in my body wanted to scream 'I fucking hate this. This is the worst time in my life! Oh? You think I should be embracing it? Let’s watch you put on 20 pounds and vomit every morning. Try embracing that!’ However out of fear of being a social outcast for saying these things I would just smile and say 'good’. Of course it would go without saying that I would walk away and mutter horrible things under my breath.
I started to feel better during the second trimester during which time I fell in love with watermelon. It was my craving breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I remember crying one day because I ran out of watermelon. Although I still hated the fact that my body was changing at this point I was trying to see the silver lining. The moment I felt my daughters first kicks everything felt a little bit better. Yes, I was still getting fat, I was still vulnerable to stretch marks and the idea of getting even one of those ugly god-for-saken marks on my body drove me absolutely insane. But that first tiny kick from my daughter made me realise that this feeling was a bond that I would have with my little girl for the rest of my life. A bond that no one else could ever share with her, they could never take this from me. So in a way, I felt somewhat superior, even to my partner. He would never be able to feel her movements the way I could, he would never be able to know what it feels like to grow another human being inside of him. So in a way, that thought certainly settled a lot of my nerves. However at this point anxiety hit me, I started freaking out about all the 'what if’s?'
What if the baby is born and everyones smothering me?
What if I have no control over how my daughter is raised because everyone will be putting there two cents in telling me 'you’re doing it wrong’?
What if I have to deal with people wanting to come over all the time to see her when I’m exhausted?
What if she doesn’t like me?
With these thoughts running a thousand miles a second through my head, I thought I was going mad. I wanted to put my foot down then and there about everything so I wouldn’t have to deal with it when the time came. I did put my foot down. I told everyone exactly how I wanted things after the baby was born, that if they didn’t like it that was there problem.
By the third trimester, it seemed that my hormones had settled completly. I wasn’t freaking out anymore. I’d come to terms that I had a few stretch marks on my ass. But was overly excited that I didn’t have any on my tummy yet. Of course, being the vein person I am, I invested in expensive stretch mark creams, corsets for post pregnancy maintenance. Hell I went to the extent of purchasing diet pills for after I stopped breastfeeding incase I still hadn’t lost the weight. But I am very proud to say that I am now genuinely enjoying the last few weeks of my pregnancy. I enjoy every moment. I actually don’t mind the fact that I can’t see my knees in the shower anymore. Because again, this is a time in my life that I share with my daughter. No one will ever have this bond with her that I have with her.
Theres only a few more weeks until I get to meet her. I can honestly say that while I’m not exactly nonchalant about the changes that have occurred to my body. I’m definitely overwhelmed about the idea of having a baby girl in my arms soon. She is the best part of me, because she is everything I’m not.
My daughter is my excuse to be a better person, not just for me and those that surround me. But for her.