I didn’t realize my ex was an N until I got these crazy emails
Using a throwaway for safety/privacy reasons. I’ve had a lot of good chats here and offline about the tactics Ns use to unbalance a person and wanted to share emails I got from my N-ex. It wasn’t until these emails that I realized my ex was 1) a narcissist and 2) cray-cray.
This guy pursued me a lot but always dropped me whenever we got too close. It was a miserable relationship. Finally, I got sick of his antics and ended things. Because we went to the same school and shared friends, we stayed in touch online.
The thing about my ex was he thought he was destined for greatness. He thought his writing was Pulitzer worthy, or at least going to make him the next Seth McFarlane. That should have been my first clue that I was dealing with an N.
In reality, his writing was crap and an excuse for him to make fun of people or write terrible jokes — about rape, homosexuality, forced sterilization, ect. He even said that bullied kids who commit suicide are weak and do it for the attention. Real charmer. Even his close friends were distancing themselves from him.
I made a mistake and left a comment on his blog saying his writing was garbage and I was appalled he’d talk so crassly about his ex (he publicly wrote about having unprotected sex with her or as he put it, “barebacking an Asian chick”). Everyone knew who he was talking about.
He responded with a series of messages:
Obviously, the concept of writing from a persona is lost on you. I like you, I really do, but your proclivity for being the grandmarshall of your own I’m-so-great-parade has become a bit… grating, as of late… as is your singular inability to read comedic sarcasm which you instead attack from your lofty high horse of santimonious morality. If you can’t tell, 90% of what I write on here is a joke, or is intended to illicit a specific response. Most every other reader understands this and responds in kind. You, however, have the unique habit of reading everything as a deep, profound insight into my soul which- spoiler alert- it isn’t.
I think it’s for the best if you don’t read my blog any more, or the site I’m migrating it to. In the future if/when you feel the need, and you understand that what I’m writing is an impersonal attempt at entertainment and is not a reflection of my own feelings, I’ll welcome your readership.
But until then, adieu
And a follow up comment:
…and also: you kinda make an ass out of yourself with these sorts of posts. You’re a brilliant and funny girl, nthreadthrowaway, but you need to loosen up a bit and understand that not everything is a chance for you to show the world how smart, deep and profound you might think you are. Sometimes things are said or written to be enjoyed on a more casual level.
Reflect upon this.
He deleted my comments and hid his so no one would see my criticism or his replies. That was the thing about him: he always wanted people to think he was a great guy and would go to great lengths to hide his meanness. In group settings, he was super charming. And he was hyper critical but couldn’t take criticism himself.
When I got his comments, I thought, “Wow what a creep, good riddance!”
Then I deleted his messages and continued with my day.
Apparently Ns don’t like being ignored. A few days later, I got an email. He’d put a lot of thought into it. See if you can spot all the N tactics in it:
I’m not sure if the comments posted on my blog in response to yours made it to your inbox or not, but I thought I’d clarify my position a bit. If you take the time to read this email, I think you’ll find it helpful and useful- albeit a little difficult to take at times. In fairness, you called my writing “garbage” and so the least you can do is attempt to read through this.
First: I really do genuinely like you, nthreadthrowaway. I think you’re a very bright girl with a sharp intellect and a fair wit about you. Unfortunately, I think you try way too hard to remind everyone about these facts at every possible turn and this- ultimately- turns people away from you.
As I mentioned in the comments, I have shifted my writing style on my blog from narcissistic self-updates to detached comedy written from an ersatz persona. This isn’t new, by any means, and began sometime in 2004/5. I very rarely post anything of consequence on my blog and when I do it’s in a restricted post. I am now using it as a sounding board for an “official” blog I’m launching this fall. Once that site launches, the venerable [NAME OF BLOG] will be no more.
To this end, I have removed all personal references to me and my friends from my (recent) entries. When I made the comment about barebacking an Asian chick I was, as you rightly assumed, referring to [EX-GIRLFRIEND]… however I was not crass enough to make mention to her as explicitly as you did. Readers of my blog would assume this reference was hyperbole for the sake of comedy and would have dismissed it at that. You calling attention to it and her (as someone I “deeply cared for”) made it a bit too real and easily identified which is why I screened it. On top of which, the choice in contraception was hers more than mine which you didn’t bother to think about so… piss off. Which brings me to the next point…
Get. Over. Yourself. You are a smart and sharp girl, as I’ve said, but you are also an intellectual and social chameleon without peer. You adopt ideas, jokes, theories, speech patterns, mannerisms and delivery from your friends and try to pass them off as your own. You’ve been imitating [CLASSMATE’S] weary/exasperated speech pattern since your Junior year of college, and I have witnessed you repeatedly taken ideas/arguments of others (such as myself) and tried to volunteer them as your own at later points. As I insinuated in the first point of this email, I feel this is part of your desire to call everyone’s attention to how profound and intellectual you are. Unfortunately, it serves the exact opposite purpose and has lead many people to dismiss you in the past.
Your forced, stilted, and sanctimonious commentary on my posts coupled with your parasitic intellect make me wonder what you’re angling at these days. I had a few readers of my blog email me about your comments to ask what your problem was, and I parried them off by saying it was all a misunderstanding. I’m honestly more than a little hurt that you would brand me “homophobic” and an “objectifier or Asian women” to say nothing of your inference that I would promote rape (you also completely misunderstood that analogy read it again and you’ll see there is absolutely nothing about rape in that post).
Honestly nthreadthrowaway, thinking back on those accusations, I withdraw the conciliatory tone of this email. Unless there’s an apology on your end which would be met by one on mine for the tone in this email… all I can say is fuck you.
(and that’s a J.D. Salinger reference, if you want to pass if off as your own later on.)
N symptoms I can count in his messages:
- twisting the truth
- paranoia - criticism means I’m “out to get him”
- HUGE overreaction
- believing I steal all his (shitty) ideas
- refusing to take responsibility for his actions
- totally revising history
- offering backhanded compliments
- stunning arrogance. He thinks he’s brilliant and I’m reasonably clever (although apparently I steal all my ideas from him)
- pretending to offer an apology with one hand and then backhanding me with the other
I ignored this email too. This was 4 years ago. I thought of it recently because my ex has recently begun trying to contact me again acting as if we’re best of friends, but I blocked him everywhere and will never respond. My life’s too good now to let that particular wolf back in the door.
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