things to make my life better

in the interests of self-preservation, these are things to do. 

1. stop trying to control money, i.e. stop punishing yourself or feeling guilty the moment you break your budget. buy food. go ahead. dare you. buy good books. buy them all. the long term effects of a good book will feed your mind and heart far longer than a transient $20, in your hand one day and someone elses the next. you are a financial curator. you are not an owner of dollars and cents.  

2. find reasons to exercise other than ‘because i can’t find anything else to do.’ find purpose in exercise — every local bushwalk, one per week. climb rocks. climb trees for the heck of it. work the horses even if only mentally.

3. stop allowing the potential judgement of others to rule your life. quite honestly they don’t care what you do with your money/time/food/job/blog and if they do they can keep their thoughts to themselves. you are not the slave of your own mind. 

4. write more. write funny. write happy. get out of the darkness. 

5. get up when you wake up. don’t lie in bed thinking circular thoughts any longer. do not let that wolf back in. allow yourself to be happy. no one is affected by your self-made guilt but yourself. fuck that. guilt is just the last defence of a brain who can’t find another valid reason not to be happy.

6. half-measures are okay.

7. let people back into your space. if they leave again, it will still be your space. it still has ‘mine’ stamped all over it.

8. do what you want to do not what you think you should do by arbitrary evolving unkind self-punishing anxiety-ridden standards no one can live up to and no one needs to live up to. 

9. drink wine. or beer. whichever. enjoy it. 

10. compassion is not just something you give to other people. 

8

Cosette was not very timid by nature. There flowed in her veins some of the blood of the bohemian and the adventuress who runs barefoot. It will be remembered that she was more of a lark than a dove. There was a foundation of wildness and bravery in her.

When I give, it does not come with strings. I’m not keeping track of what you owe me. When I give, I choose to do so without ulterior motives. I give because I know what it’s like to be without. To long for and be ignored; to speak and not be heard; to care for and have nothing returned. When I give it’s because I know the value in what I have in my heart. And I refuse to let the world stop me from sharing that, But when things start being taken for granted, When you no longer appreciate my sincerity, I won’t switch, I won’t get angry, and I won’t be spiteful. I’ll just get smart, and change your role in my life. Because when I give, I’m all in. But when I’m done, there’s no turning back.
—  Rob Hill

Recovery is not just about restoring one’s weight and developing a healthy relationship with food. It’s the first step, but it’s not the only one.

Recovery is also about rediscovering who you truly are. It’s about getting to know yourself and finally learning to love yourself. It’s about learning to take care of yourself. It’s about discovering that you are someone. And that you are valuable.

Forget the room of one’s own - write in the kitchen, lock yourself up in the bathroom. Write on the bus or on the welfare line, on the job or during meals, between sleeping and waking. I write while sitting on the john. No long stretches at the typewriter unless you’re wealthy or have a patron - you may not even own a typewriter. While you wash the floor or clothes listen to the words chanting in your body. When you’re depressed, angry, hurt, when compassion and love possess you. When you cannot help but write.
—  Gloria Anzaldúa
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