sehnlife

Things I want to tell people, that I wish people had told me:
  • You don’t have to achieve great things by the time you’re 25
  • You have intrinsic value above and beyond your perceived utility to other people and society at large. 
  • You don’t have to have sex, or have sex in any way that you find uncomfortable or unpleasant, to keep anyone’s love or good opinion of you. They didn’t love you or think very well of you to start with if they demand it. 
  • You don’t have to stay with someone who isn’t meeting your emotional or sexual needs because they need you, or you’ve been with them for awhile, or you need to be in a relationship. You need you. Your time is your own and it is finite. 
  • It’s ok to work at a job you enjoy that doesn’t make you miserable even if it’s not a career and it won’t “lead to anything.” 
  • Your life is not a narrative. It is not leading to anything, there is no overarching thesis, it does not have themes beyond the usual shared cultural experiences of your time and place. This is ok. It does not mean that your life is without purpose or meaning. 
  • It’s ok not to like or get along with the vast majority of people you encounter, so long as you afford them the same respect, courtesy and dignity that they afford you. 
  • Expensive is not always better. 
  • Failure is temporary if you’re still alive. 
  • People are both much better and much worse than you’d suspect, but usually not all at once. 
  • Stop thinking of your future self as a different person and it will be easier to prevent money and health problems. 
  • Let people help you, lean on them when you need to, and be available to help, but don’t swing too far in either direction. Try to carry your half of the life basket as evenly as you can. 
  • Set boundaries, and do not be afraid to kick people out of your life who disregard them. You will not end up alone and unloved. People who love you will be ok with your boundaries. 
  • Your power does not come from money or beauty, but from seeing life steadily and wholly, from a curious and thoughtful mind, and from your ability to say no when you want to, and yes when you want to, and I don’t know when you don’t know. 
  • There will be bad times, maybe lots of bad times, but not only bad times. 
  • Love will not heal the wounds in your soul, but love can give you the impetus to begin the work of healing yourself. 
  • Life might be a long series of starting over, and that’s alright. 
  • You’re really cool, you’re really beautiful, you’re really special. Really. Not to everyone, but to a lot of someones sometimes. 
I need help.

I have been putting off asking for help because I’m really ashamed and upset.

The Treasury Dept. seized our tax return, which we were counting on to get us through this month. 

Mr. Traum has been laid off since the middle of February, and only went back to work today. My hours at work are between 12 and 14 a week, and none of the other jobs I’ve applied to have called me back. We’re not going to be able to pay rent and utilities with his unemployment and my pay. I was hoping my mom would be able to help me out, but she’s had unexpected medical bills herself. 

We desperately need to declare bankruptcy for the house in South Dakota that we lost. It looks like I can fill out the forms myself, but the filing fee is $350, which might as well be the moon right now. I’m frightened that they’re going to garnish our wages next, which would be disastrous. 

I feel helpless, and very ashamed to have to put my hand out, so please, if you help, let me give you something in return. So here’s what I’m asking: anyone who chooses to donate, please ask me for a fic, editing, or a character face sketch. 

I know that everyone is struggling right now, so if you want to consider it a loan, please let me know, so that I can pay you back when my hours increase. You’ve all been so incredibly generous already, and I am so sorry to ask again. 

Our paypal account is dizxy2000@yahoo.com

Thank you for reading if you’ve read this far, you have my love and gratitude. 

HEY EVERYONE GUESS WHAT I GOT IN THE MAIL TODAY!?!?!

MR. TRAUM’S CONDITIONAL STATUS HAS BEEN REMOVED! HE IS A PERMANENT RESIDENT OF THE US FOREVER!

The immigration process has been extraordinarily expensive, drawn out, dehumanizing, and frustrating.

BUT NOW

One of the things that really frustrates me about the discourse around biology, and evo-psych, and the naturalistic fallacy in general is its exclusive focus on competition, because competition is coded as masculine and therefore the absolute core truth of natural life.

But co-operation, especially within, but also between species plays a role so huge in evolution and ecology that it should be central to the conversation— ants, after all, are the most successful multi-cellular animals on earth, and they don’t operate on anything like an intra-species competitive model. 

Also, if fucking tarantulas and toads can hang out and live together peacefully, don’t tell me that humans are incapable of doing the same. Don’t tell me we can’t get over each other’s differences, don’t tell me that men are predators and women are all prey.

All this left over 19th century clap trap from proto-fascist naturalists and the great chain being and dominionist nastiness has made outrageous lies and mis-readings into cultural ‘scientific’ truths, and it’s tiring as fuck— it’s used to defend racism, sexism, transphobia, and capitalism, and I really have no point here except for my deep, deep desire to not live up to my chin in this sewage. 

Thank you, Bioware. Thank you, Dragon Age. Because of this fandom, I started writing again. Because of this fandom, I still have a roof over my head, and stuff under my roof. Because of this fandom, I have friends who I love and adore all over the world. 

Because of Dragon Age, I made it through some of the worst depression of my life. I made it through cancer, and losing my house, and unemployment and moving back in with my parents, and changing my dreams, and changing my life in painful and good ways. 

Thank you. I could never thank you enough. I could never express my love as deeply as it exists. 

Whooooooooooohooooo Mr Traum got a job! I could dance in the streets if not for my crippling self consciousness and culturally protestant suspicion of expressions of joy :P


He doesn’t start working til May 12th but at least he has a freaking that he should be able to be happy at for longer than 18 months at a time.

No Sir I will not wish you a Merry Christmas, and I’ll tell you why.

I don’t think you can call yourself a good conservative until you get back to the roots of the holiday. That’s right, back to the roots, none of this johnny come lately jesus stuff, pah! Go Sumerian or don’t claim to love western culture by god.

That’s right, this *is* the holy week of Zagmuk. I don’t think you have your festive face on—  you get out there and overturn the normal order of things, and have non procreative sex to save the cosmos.

No excuse *you* sir. I don’t make the traditions, I just uphold them.

A merry Zagmuk and a happy solar phallus renewal to us all.

Happy Holidays doesn’t seem so bad after all, does it?

This was a terrible year for me, mostly. Loss and grief and struggle and a lot more loneliness than I know how to articulate. There were bright spots, though, moments when I felt small and safe, and not responsible for all the disasters. 

So many tragedies happen, they spiral up and down from our little lives to the breadth of cities, and nations, and change, if it happens, happens on he heels of things that shouldn’t have ever been the fuel for that fire. 

I don’t make resolutions any more, because I’m done making promises I won’t keep, especially to myself. 

I watch the first sunrise of the new year, every year, and make a wish, say a prayer, hope for change. 

For those of you who were kind to me through the worst of it, I can’t thank you deeply enough, or ever return what you gave to me. If I can show half the love you showed me to the people in my life, I’ll have really done something worthwhile. 

For those of you who don’t talk to me, who are struggling in silence, who feel as if nobody cares, who feel worthless, unloveable, and unloved. 

You made it, one breath at a time, you made it through another year. Don’t carry your pain alone, don’t resign yourself to always feeling the way you do now. You’re loved, you matter. Keep going, but don’t go alone. I’m here for you, and so are a lot of others. 

Here’s to better days.