The World: Still Not Revolving Around Me

Recently someone suggested that I was unaware that there are other things in life going on besides me.

They acknowledged that we’re all selfish, but that they would not allow my selfishness to get in the way of their own.

As this is fundamentally what friendships/relationships entail, I took up their offer to part ways and bid adieu.

Oh and yes, ended that conversation feeling infuriated, frustrated, misunderstood and contemplative.

Something I’ve noticed that’s been happening a lot to me (and to my girl friends) is this: Lots of initial interest on the guy’s part, followed with communication/interaction that backs this up, then…NOTHING. Example: giving me your business card and then not responding to my email. Exchanging phone numbers and not replying to my text. Talking/IMing through OKCupid, randomly meeting at a bar on accident and taking my number, saying you’d like to go out sometime and then never calling (Actually happened and to this day, run into this guy all over the city).

I’d like to believe they suddenly got busy, or didn’t get my text, or lost/dropped/broke/misplaced/”didn’t have their” phone “on them”, got caught up with work, were kidnapped, DIED.

Yet we all know this is probably not true.

It’s that we were forgotten, put on a back burner, replaced, or without warning, dismissed.

When someone wants to talk to you, THEY WILL.

Now you are left with three options:

  1. Contacting them again and acting as though nothing is wrong. I believe this is called “giving them the benefit of the doubt”. Until, of course this continues to happen and you’re left looking/feeling pretty damn foolish and eventually having to choose from the following…
  2. Confronting them about it. This seems like the direct approach, the one that will provide the most answers and perhaps clear the air. It’s also a sure fire way to put them on the defensive and/or make you look like the crazy girl, the one asking for too much, they are figuring will come out eventually.
  3. Ignore them back. This will probably give you the most satisfaction, though it lets them off the hook and still leaves you with unanswered questions and hurt feelings.

It’s not that I expect anyone to keep up with me on a daily basis, as nice as that would be sometimes. I know that I’m impatient and in need of attention and prefer to have a little bit of contact to feel needed and wanted. It’s something I’m aware of and that I try to keep in check.

But you can’t text someone “good morning” for days in a row and then stop for no reason and think I won’t notice. You can’t see me for weeks on end, five, six days in a row and then drop off the face of the Earth for another five days without me thinking something’s wrong. You can’t have lengthy conversations one day and then send one word replies the next without me believing you’re bored or have become disinterested.

I’m not trying to make assumptions. I don’t think I’m crazy.

I wish the guys who did this would step back and realize how their actions can be interpreted. Maybe it’s not their intention to create such confusion and frustration. But their lack of agreeing/understanding that it might, makes it that much worse.

I may not be the sun, but I’m certainly worth more than this.

We all are.


Top Five Reasons We All Need More Self Care:

1) I once upon a time read an article on successful copy writing and it said lists ARE AWESOME TRAFFIC DRIVERS. 



Okay, all joking aside, self care is important, and I suck at it.  So, like most things that confuse me, I am going to spend some time writing about it.  Because it’s only a quarter to seven in the morning and if I try to call anyone right now they’d probably not be my friend anymore. 

So, three followers who aren’t me, you may have noticed I was gone for like two weeks.  I’ve been buried in real life struggle and joy and exhaustion.  Mostly exhaustion.  I felt like I had lost all meaningful control over my life and in the face of that despair it was really hard to shift my brain into gear and write about things which I honestly do not have a great deal of control over.  I do not have control over cultural body shaming, slut shaming, rape culture, trans*phobia and homophobia.  None of us, individually, have control over that.  There is no single switch anywhere that even the most powerful person in the world could just flip and have all this ugliness go away.

I’m sure as fuck not going to manage it with a fucking blog. 


Changes to cultural issues like these happen with glacial slowness and it is always a collection of factors which contribute.  You have to change the dialogue, and by changing the dialogue you change the language and when you change the language you change minds.  I like to think that this blog can be a teeny-tiny piece of that process. 


In order for that to be true I have to keep up the chatter; I have to keep talking and I have to continue to refuse to be silenced either by direct aggression or by the million tiny cuts of the struggles and indignities of existing in the world.  I need tools to overcome the exhaustion that is the perfectly natural outcome of existing in a world which is trying to kill me, a world in which I have to fight for dignity and respect constantly.  I need self care.


I totally suck at it.  I mean I spectacularly suck at it.  I am hard on myself.  This is not always a terrible thing.  I push myself to work hard and achieve; I push myself to be better.  I want to be a better friend, a better advocate, a better writer, a better person.  I try to demand better of the people around me, but in order to do that I feel that I must also be demanding better of myself, always. 

And when I fail on occasion to be better, I kick myself really hard for it.  And it isn’t healthy all the time.  It frequently sends me into self-feeding cycles of despair and hopelessness.  I feel ineffective and invisible and idiotic and I despair that I will ever be anything else.  

Which is probably the most idiotic thing of all.  Because if I believe anything at all, I believe that doing what you can, when you can, from a place of compassion, understanding and just a touch of practicality, can, in fact, change the world.  Yes, glacially, but the changes are there.  It’s there when I get a friend to stop telling misogynist jokes; it’s there when I talk about the rape culture with friends who would really probably like me to stop talking about the rape culture; it’s there when I demand respectful treatment from those who would disrespect me based solely upon their perceptions of my body, my gender, and, from those, my worth.  Even when I do not change someone’s mind I have still planted something there.  There is a thought in xir head which would not have been there had I not spoken. 

Which is why it is so important to keep speaking.


How?  There is no magical map to keeping your energy up in a fight that isn’t merely endless but pervasive.  There are no front lines in this fight; there are no lines.  For those who are subject to oppression it’s life itself that is a fight.  At least, there are no obvious ones.  This isn’t World War II with a home front and a war front and honky tonks in between to get a little R&R before going back to fighting the good fight. 

You have to build those spaces yourself.  You have to draw your own lines, create your boundaries and defend them without reservation.  When the whole rest of your life is the battlefield, you have to create your own home front.  

Which is why I spent yesterday cleaning my room.  Seems like a totally banal thing to do, but my room was a wreck.  I hadn’t really finished moving into my new space (still haven’t, but I’m working on it), but because I live with two roommates who aren’t exactly staunch allies I need my room to be my haven.  I need a space that is away, that is mine and that is accessible to me whenever I need it.  I needed to clean my room, move my furniture, think hard about what it is about a space that makes me feel good, safe, comfortable and restful.  I needed to spend a whole day thinking about what it is that I need in order to take care of myself. 

Not just because if I wear myself out I am no good to anyone and cannot fight for my causes, though that’s a good reason too.  I needed to do it because I deserve my own care and affection and attention.  I am worth the time it takes to make myself happy and healthy and hopeful.  

It is good to fight.  I would not be me if I did not fight.  But that is not the only reason to take care of myself.  I should take care of myself because I deserve it.

And so do you.

Why are there Anti-Quentin posts on my dash?

Quentin wasn’t a good father when he was an alcoholic and Laurel never deserved a father like that. However, I fully believe that Quentin made up for those years (and Laurel forgave him) when he was there for Laurel during her lowest point. 

Quentin not telling Laurel about Sara being alive is kind of different from Laurel not telling Quentin that Sara’s dead. Sara insisted that Quentin not tell Laurel, otherwise I firmly believe that Quentin would’ve told Laurel. On the other hand, Laurel didn’t tell Quentin about Sara out of her own seflishness. She made not telling Quentin about herself (she didn’t want to lose anyone else, she was scared to tell him) and not about what Quentin deserved, which is the truth. With keeping Sara’s death away from Quentin, it took away Quentin’s right to mourn his daughter, it took away his right to bury his daughter, it took away his right to be a part of taking down Sara’s killer (Malcolm). Not only that, but Quentin also had to deal with Laurel’s lies due to her selfish reasons. 

Quentin was totally right to be angry at Laurel, to feel like she broke their bond because she did. Laurel not telling Quentin about Sara’s death was a terrible thing to do to a parent. To say that Quentin’s feelings are unjustified just isn’t right because Laurel did do something wrong. Just because Quentin was a bad father in the past doesn’t negate the fact that what Laurel did was pretty heinous. 

Both Laurel and Quentin moved on from the past. Laurel forgave Quentin for his actions, and Quentin made it up to Laurel by being there for her. So let’s not try to rehash the past as a petty attempt to justify one’s behavior. 


千金女賊 第44集 Lady & Liar Episode 44

二爺: 像我這樣的男人你確定你還要嗎?這是什麼意思啊?
蔣心: 這代表我要藏起我自私小女人的一面支持你做對的事情。可是在這之前讓我再做一會兒小女人,真真實實地擁有你。
二爺: 其實我現在才真的要離開你免得讓你再次經歷失去的痛苦。可是我真的做不到。其實我才是最自私的那個人,就從我愛上你那一刻開始。
蔣心: 所以答應我不要再隱瞞,不再猜疑,不要折磨,不要再分開了。既然相愛我們就應該好好地在一起,永遠都不要再分開了。讓我們就像一般的夫妻那樣好好地在一起,好好地珍惜彼此。
Er Ye: This type of man you sure you still want? What does this (hug) mean?
Jiang Xin: This means that I need to hide the seflish needy woman and support your actions. But before that I want to be a needy woman and truly have you for once.
Er Ye: Actually now is when I need to leave to prevent you from having to experience hurt from loss again. But I really can’t do it. Actually I am the seflish person that started from the moment I fell in love with you. 
Jiang Xin: Then promise me there wll be no more secrets, no more suspicion, no more suffering, no more separation. Since we love each other we should happily be together and never separate again. Allow us to be together like a normal couple and appreciate each other. 

mistermichaelis asked:


Invade my privacy. Do it. 
White: 3 facts about my personality

1. It is normally hard for me to focus on things, but when it comes to anything art related I am one top of that.
2. Sometimes I can be very rude/seflish, but a lot of the times I will suddenly switch into this mothering mode where I have to make sure everyone around me is taken care of and loved :’D.
3. Never give me a position of power. Ever. I will take it far too seriously and people will start to hate me because I seem to be dysfunctional when it comes to stating things clearly.