seflishness

The World: Still Not Revolving Around Me

Recently someone suggested that I was unaware that there are other things in life going on besides me.

They acknowledged that we’re all selfish, but that they would not allow my selfishness to get in the way of their own.

As this is fundamentally what friendships/relationships entail, I took up their offer to part ways and bid adieu.

Oh and yes, ended that conversation feeling infuriated, frustrated, misunderstood and contemplative.

Something I’ve noticed that’s been happening a lot to me (and to my girl friends) is this: Lots of initial interest on the guy’s part, followed with communication/interaction that backs this up, then…NOTHING. Example: giving me your business card and then not responding to my email. Exchanging phone numbers and not replying to my text. Talking/IMing through OKCupid, randomly meeting at a bar on accident and taking my number, saying you’d like to go out sometime and then never calling (Actually happened and to this day, run into this guy all over the city).

I’d like to believe they suddenly got busy, or didn’t get my text, or lost/dropped/broke/misplaced/“didn’t have their” phone “on them”, got caught up with work, were kidnapped, DIED.

Yet we all know this is probably not true.

It’s that we were forgotten, put on a back burner, replaced, or without warning, dismissed.

When someone wants to talk to you, THEY WILL.

Now you are left with three options:

  1. Contacting them again and acting as though nothing is wrong. I believe this is called “giving them the benefit of the doubt”. Until, of course this continues to happen and you’re left looking/feeling pretty damn foolish and eventually having to choose from the following…
  2. Confronting them about it. This seems like the direct approach, the one that will provide the most answers and perhaps clear the air. It’s also a sure fire way to put them on the defensive and/or make you look like the crazy girl, the one asking for too much, they are figuring will come out eventually.
  3. Ignore them back. This will probably give you the most satisfaction, though it lets them off the hook and still leaves you with unanswered questions and hurt feelings.

It’s not that I expect anyone to keep up with me on a daily basis, as nice as that would be sometimes. I know that I’m impatient and in need of attention and prefer to have a little bit of contact to feel needed and wanted. It’s something I’m aware of and that I try to keep in check.

But you can’t text someone “good morning” for days in a row and then stop for no reason and think I won’t notice. You can’t see me for weeks on end, five, six days in a row and then drop off the face of the Earth for another five days without me thinking something’s wrong. You can’t have lengthy conversations one day and then send one word replies the next without me believing you’re bored or have become disinterested.

I’m not trying to make assumptions. I don’t think I’m crazy.

I wish the guys who did this would step back and realize how their actions can be interpreted. Maybe it’s not their intention to create such confusion and frustration. But their lack of agreeing/understanding that it might, makes it that much worse.

I may not be the sun, but I’m certainly worth more than this.

We all are.

-Carly

Top Five Reasons We All Need More Self Care:

1) I once upon a time read an article on successful copy writing and it said lists ARE AWESOME TRAFFIC DRIVERS. 

… 

Profit? 

Okay, all joking aside, self care is important, and I suck at it.  So, like most things that confuse me, I am going to spend some time writing about it.  Because it’s only a quarter to seven in the morning and if I try to call anyone right now they’d probably not be my friend anymore. 

So, three followers who aren’t me, you may have noticed I was gone for like two weeks.  I’ve been buried in real life struggle and joy and exhaustion.  Mostly exhaustion.  I felt like I had lost all meaningful control over my life and in the face of that despair it was really hard to shift my brain into gear and write about things which I honestly do not have a great deal of control over.  I do not have control over cultural body shaming, slut shaming, rape culture, trans*phobia and homophobia.  None of us, individually, have control over that.  There is no single switch anywhere that even the most powerful person in the world could just flip and have all this ugliness go away.

I’m sure as fuck not going to manage it with a fucking blog. 

But. 

Changes to cultural issues like these happen with glacial slowness and it is always a collection of factors which contribute.  You have to change the dialogue, and by changing the dialogue you change the language and when you change the language you change minds.  I like to think that this blog can be a teeny-tiny piece of that process. 

But. 

In order for that to be true I have to keep up the chatter; I have to keep talking and I have to continue to refuse to be silenced either by direct aggression or by the million tiny cuts of the struggles and indignities of existing in the world.  I need tools to overcome the exhaustion that is the perfectly natural outcome of existing in a world which is trying to kill me, a world in which I have to fight for dignity and respect constantly.  I need self care.

But. 

I totally suck at it.  I mean I spectacularly suck at it.  I am hard on myself.  This is not always a terrible thing.  I push myself to work hard and achieve; I push myself to be better.  I want to be a better friend, a better advocate, a better writer, a better person.  I try to demand better of the people around me, but in order to do that I feel that I must also be demanding better of myself, always. 

And when I fail on occasion to be better, I kick myself really hard for it.  And it isn’t healthy all the time.  It frequently sends me into self-feeding cycles of despair and hopelessness.  I feel ineffective and invisible and idiotic and I despair that I will ever be anything else.  

Which is probably the most idiotic thing of all.  Because if I believe anything at all, I believe that doing what you can, when you can, from a place of compassion, understanding and just a touch of practicality, can, in fact, change the world.  Yes, glacially, but the changes are there.  It’s there when I get a friend to stop telling misogynist jokes; it’s there when I talk about the rape culture with friends who would really probably like me to stop talking about the rape culture; it’s there when I demand respectful treatment from those who would disrespect me based solely upon their perceptions of my body, my gender, and, from those, my worth.  Even when I do not change someone’s mind I have still planted something there.  There is a thought in xir head which would not have been there had I not spoken. 

Which is why it is so important to keep speaking.

But.

How?  There is no magical map to keeping your energy up in a fight that isn’t merely endless but pervasive.  There are no front lines in this fight; there are no lines.  For those who are subject to oppression it’s life itself that is a fight.  At least, there are no obvious ones.  This isn’t World War II with a home front and a war front and honky tonks in between to get a little R&R before going back to fighting the good fight. 

You have to build those spaces yourself.  You have to draw your own lines, create your boundaries and defend them without reservation.  When the whole rest of your life is the battlefield, you have to create your own home front.  

Which is why I spent yesterday cleaning my room.  Seems like a totally banal thing to do, but my room was a wreck.  I hadn’t really finished moving into my new space (still haven’t, but I’m working on it), but because I live with two roommates who aren’t exactly staunch allies I need my room to be my haven.  I need a space that is away, that is mine and that is accessible to me whenever I need it.  I needed to clean my room, move my furniture, think hard about what it is about a space that makes me feel good, safe, comfortable and restful.  I needed to spend a whole day thinking about what it is that I need in order to take care of myself. 

Not just because if I wear myself out I am no good to anyone and cannot fight for my causes, though that’s a good reason too.  I needed to do it because I deserve my own care and affection and attention.  I am worth the time it takes to make myself happy and healthy and hopeful.  

It is good to fight.  I would not be me if I did not fight.  But that is not the only reason to take care of myself.  I should take care of myself because I deserve it.

And so do you.

anonymous asked:

Thor, what's your favorite thing about midgard (other than Jane)

The diversity. So many people live on your world with so much potential. Some of the greatest warriors and most honorable heroes I have had the pleasure to meet hail from Midgard. It is an honor to fight alongside such heroes and to protect such a spectacular people!

Also, on a more personal and seflish note…I have come to quite enjoy the Midgard pastime of ‘Skyrim’. Something about the Nords and their homeland reminds me of Asgard.

anonymous asked:

I hope that the divorce doesn't break the spirits of john & his wife & that they are able to find happiness in the future. I saw a quote where John said he thought he could never have a partner bc he was so devoted to music. Some ppl say that the only person who ever really understood johns love for music & "seflishness" was Emily. Do you think in the future they might reconcile? It makes me sad to think that the one thing he is so passionate about in life will be that thing that isolates him :(

I really hope John and Nicole are doing ok right now and I also wish they find happiness in their personal lives. 

about Emily…. I don’t think she needs John in this period of her life…? I mean, she’s in a relationship now and she seems very happy! and of course I’m very happy for her… so bringing john up is kind of uncalled, i think… 

I believe she had a great and really positive impact in his life during the time they were together tho… but I believe that Toni and Stella also “understood” his love for music, otherwise their relationships would not have lasted years, just like  with Emily… She said they remain friends even tho they don’t see each other much lately so the “reconcile” thing is not an issue… 

I understand your interest but seriously, this is such a personal and intimate thing that our comments here are so unnecessary… 

on the other hand, i don’t really think that “isolation” might be a problem for him, maybe he is the kind of person who enjoys being alone doing what he wants, whenever he wants and he doesn’t need a partner to be happy and at peace with himself… maybe everything he needs is music, you know… he said that a relationship is like an “interruption in your life” and that he couldn’t afford those kinds of interruptions in his creative flow… so i really think that music isn’t the problem for him  but the other way around haha

we can see that his life got REALLY MESSED UP when he lost his interest for music, which is the thing he loves the most, but he’s been in relationships and break ups several times before and apparently that hasn’t “affected him” much, i think…

anyway, i really hope he’s fine and that he is not experiencing any kind of suffering right now… and that he can find freedom and motivation in his art as it’s always been… :)