They are saying it’s a new world
Nothing is what it used to be

Everyone is cruel and scared
Cocaine is the new painkiller

Shrink on speed-dial
Sending your mugshot as your CV

Politicians funnier than comedians
Sleeping at 3 am like it’s 10 pm

Cheating is a daily ritual
Must have a DUI before 21

It’s not easy being a fuck up
It’s not easy being a rich kid

- Hedonist Poet

“I like wintertime the best. It’s nice to pour myself a cup of coffee and sit on the back porch while the snow is falling around me. In summertime everyone leaves their houses, all the girls dress in their way, couples hold hands and walk down the street, people invite you to go boating…no thank you. I like the solitude of the cold.”

American political satirist and cartoonist Garry Trudeau is no stranger to inciting controversy with his work, and in his recent article published in The Atlantic, he invited further controversy with inflammatory comments equating the editorial decisions at the Charlie Hebdo office to hate speech and what he describes as a rising trend of “free-speech fanaticism.”

What the signs never do (with emojis)

Aries: They👏Never👏Fucking👏Chill👊
Taurus: They never wanna do anything 😪😪😓😓😓
Gemini: They never stop talking 😒😒😒😞😞
Cancer: They never stop whining 😢😢😢😭😭
Leo: They never wanna talk about someone besides themselves 😩😩😩😵😵
Virgo: They never stop cleaning 😕😕😡😡😡
Libra: They never decide on anything 😬😬😬😐😐
Scorpio: They never tell you shit 😦😦😟😟😟
Sagittarius: They never care 😖😖😖😔😔
Capricorn: They never stop working 😒😒😥😥
Aquarius: They are never normal 👽👽👾👿👿
Pisces: They never pay attention 😑😑😓😓😓

The signs at the supermarket

Aries: where’s the fuckin ramen?
Taurus: I don’t need these 12 rolls of duct tape….. I don’t need them..
Gemini: Help
Cancer: OMG IS THAT A FRUIT ROLLUP? *nostalgia*
Leo: *gets what they need* *leaves*
Virgo: wHO WOULD PUT A PACK OF OREOS IN THE MOVIE BIN WOW FUCK THIS PLANET, IM OUT *flies out the roof with jet pack*
Libra: *Gets the cashier’s number*
Scorpio: This is dumb, I mean look how easy it would be to steal that….. oh shit, that employee can hear me thinking I’m going to jail
Sagittarius: *forgets their shopping list* *buys everything they don’t need* *cries*
Capricorn: holy SHIT where is the nearest machete, I will slaughter every single one of you if you don’t speed tHE FUCK UP
Aquarius: *prolonged sigh*
Pisces: *tells the cashier their life story*

The Borowitz Report: Hillary Clinton Officially Begins Nineteen Months of Looking Concerned

Sitting with patrons at Jones Street Java House, in Le Claire, the former Secretary of State listened intently, sipped from a cup of coffee, and nodded her head at appropriate junctures, flawlessly reënacting a brief scene from her first campaign video.

Read more.

Photograph by Michael B. Thomas/AFP/Getty

For my English class I have to make a satire/editorial cartoon so I decided to do mine on what parts of he dress code are enforced at my school. A boy in my class wore a shirt with a topless lady on it and no one said anything about it but when I wear a beanie because our school is FREEZING in the winter everyone in administration flips shit.
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