So I’m trying to get my mum (who’s a teacher), to watch Supernatural, and she agreed she’d give it a shot if I wrote about something I find noteworthy in the show. Naturally, I wrote about angels.
Note that I’ve only watched till mid season seven, so this is really incomplete.
The God Squad; Them Who Are Dicks
Ah, angels. Otherwordly, celestial beings with daddy issues and an intense desire to roast humans alive. For the Greater Good, of course. They’ve probably been hanging out with Albus Dumbledore.
Their true forms are known to burn people’s eyes out of their skulls, an experience that is assumed to be unpleasant for most- this is because angels are too magnificent for mortal little us to witness. Trying to communicate with humans while in their true forms results in a lot of dramatically broken glass.
In order to avoid all the fuss mentioned above, they are required to inhabit a human’s body while on Earth. Having an angel camping in your head is not only exhausting, but you have no life anymore and are miserable forever. On the bright side, the vessel’s consent is necessary, so there is no angelic-possesion equivalent of rape.
In order to coax their human vessels into saying “yes” (no, they’re not getting married, I wondered too) some angels proceed to assure the humans that they are Very Special Snowflakes with an important Role to play in the Big Plan (which is destroying the world).
(It should be noted that Lucifer strongly protests against my phrasing. He also has Special Snowflake Syndrome, but that’s okay).
Angels’ genders, or possibly lack thereof, are unknown, but they are commonly reffered to with the pronouns of their chosen vessels. We have absolutely no idea if they’re okay with that, because no one bothered asking them.
Now, let’s go over some of the show’s main angel figures.
Castiel: His dynamic entry to the trainwreck of a show that is Supernatural consists of him gripping Dean Winchester tight and raising him from perdition. This action leaves the impression of Castiel’s palm on Dean’s shoulder, something we (the fandom) secretly find hot. Unfortunately, it later on disappears with little explanation.
During their first meeting on Earth, Dean stabs Castiel in the heart (no, literally), and they embark on a journey of love, heartbreak…and love. The road ahead of them is rocky, but as is known: gay love can pierce through the veil of Death and save the day.
Castiel’s personality is a mixture of socially awkward, confused potato, and badass mofo. He is actually less of a dick than most his brothers and sisters; rebells against Heaven itself and chooses Free Will. His loyalty to the Winchesters is unwavering. Except for when he betrays them to eat monster souls. But that is just a phase.
He was also God for a while, something that gave us (the fandom) several, intense eyegasms.
Uriel: He is a friendless, bitter dick who secretly ships Destiel. It is his guilty pleasure.
Balthazar: Enter a british, hilarious and just a little bit douchey angel who we (the fandom) love, for reasons unknown. He has a tendency to fevertly deny caring about anything, usually accompanied by high-class sarcasm, and then help in saving the world, anyway. He is Captain of many ships; Destiel and the Titanic come to mind first. Castiel stabs and kills him because he is going through a douche phase.
Zachariah: In his own words, Zachariah is petty. He is wrong to claim he is worse than Lucifer, though; Lucy is everyone’s adored evil bastard. Except for being an occasionally funny douche, and doing a shitty job of convincing Dean and Sam to say “yes” to Michael and Lucifer (still not getting married), Zachariah does little of import. He also has no friends. It is a common occurence between angels.
Anna: Originally introduced as a human girl unwillingly tuning in to Angel Radio, Anna is soon revealed to be a fallen angel and effortlessly wins everyone’s hearts by being the only known angel so far to not take shit from above. She has steamy sex with Dean Winchester in the impala, something we (the fandom) are envious of. Yes. We envy both Anna and Dean.
After ganging up with the Winchester Bros and thoroughly trolling her fellow angels and a bunch of demons, Anna reclaims her stolen Grace. Of course, the existense of a badass female character in the show is unacceptable, and therefore she eventually proceeds to become a bitch and die. We (the fandom) are still kind of into her.
Michael: With a need to be inside Dean Winchester (not in that sense, that’s something only Castiel’s allowed to do, or Sammy if that’s what you’re into) and to be a Good Little Soldier, Michael is one of the most hated people in a group of hated people. Ignoring that his daddy has long ago left the building and doesn’t give a piece of panda poo what anyone does, he is determined to follow the Big Plan to the letter, and bring forth the Apocalypse. Our (the fandom’s) hatred of him is somewhat lessened by his habit to wear Ridiculously Hot Winchesters.
Gabriel: Having long ago flipped Heaven and Hell alike the finger and taken on the identity of Loki, the Trickster, Gabriel’s domain is on Earth. When the Winchesters first cross paths with him, Dean expresses an appreciation of the Trickster’s style; however, he and Sam stab him with a stick and go their merry way, convinced that they have ended him.
He is a badass (Arch)angel of the Lord, though, and will not die quite so easily. He makes the “Lucy, I’m home!” reference I had been waiting for since Lucifer was introduced to the show, and is murdered by his brother while attempting to stand up to his family. There’s probably a moral lesson in there somewhere. He has a soft spot for Candy and Sam Winchester. We (the fandom) have developed a slightly unhealthy obsession with him, and we are not sorry. He is a gift to the world.
Raphael: The world’s first and only Teenage Mutant Ninja Angel. The one angel to inhabit female and male bodies alike, bless the little shit for that. It’s probably the only good thing he’s done. For the most part his is a major dick, who is supposedly very powerful, but becomes Castiel’s bitch on several occasions. We (the fandom) approve of that.
Lucifer: In result to his throwing a temper tantrum when humanity was created, Lucifer was promptly kicked out of heaven and locked in a cage by his dearest brother Michael. His daddy issues rival my own, which is certainly saying something. Contrary to popular belief, the Devil is a sympathetic sort of guy, who loves his dysfunctional family to bits, but is really not cool with the way they do things. He also happens to have a Thing for Sam Winchester, and his references are priceless.
We (the fandom) feel thay we can relate to Lucifer on a frankly alarming level, and many of us want to make sweet love to him and cuddle afterwards. The “he just needs a hug” excuse is not one I am commonly fond of, but it is sadly close to the truth in this particular case.
This has been a fun ride, and I would like to end my quirky little rambling with a quote: “But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?”