For those who are new to following me, or even who have been here for past posts along these lines, this is a very long, detailed, and slightly intoxicated explanation as to why Ryan Soule, my bestfriend, my brother, my heart, perfect, all around human being in my life is so important to me.
I was around 15-16 years old when my mom started working at a college for digital design and sound arts. It had already been a year, but i was going through a lot of troubles at school and ran away from them all like a scared child going to kindergarden for the first time. I ran to the college my mom worked at and spent most of the days I should have been in my own high school classes, in college classes for drawing and sculpting. I met a few people there and group of mostly guys that i seemed to get along with quite well. There was Airyque, aka Mr. President. Carlos aka juevos. Victor, aka Pinapple. Fiona, aka Tomago. Alyson, Aka Sexy lady. And then there was Ryan, Aka Crapes. They were all amazing, but Ryan never really talked to me. He avoided eye contact and tried to hard not to get embarrassed around me for some reason. I didn’t pay much mind because Carlos, is very loud and tends to demand attention from everyone. After about a month of being in their class we went to sculpting in a different room. All these classes were with my mom partly teaching so there was never a point in time i felt uncomfortable. I got contact information from everyone in this little group of friends expect for Ryan. I was really shy for some reason around him, perhaps because he was shy and we were just kind of being shy off eachothers shyness. Either way, i couldn’t get any contact information from him and after I stopped going back there for awhile and they moved onto classes i couldn’t follow them into , We all lost contact for awhile.
They were graduating. All of them, and I had spoken to them off and on throughout their college days, expect for Ryan really, and wanted to see them walk the stage. I was 16-17 by then and even though they were all busy accepting awards and what not, I got to get my two cents in with them and gave them hugs and congrats. I, for some fucking reason couldn’t reach Ryan throughout all this though, which sucked, because (I am 5’3” btw) being as short as I was, i could actually SEE him, but I couldn’t get to him. I let it go, even though there was a urge in me to see him and congratulate him.
Background on me
Being hurt, damaged, fucked over, lied to, physically and mentally messed with and over all broken as many times as I have been, it became very hard for me to let anyone in on a personal level where I could be completely myself around anyone. I have a sole three friends I could let in and keep close to the heart, one died when i was 13 and the other two showed me over time that they were never leaving, until recent, i had them both. Now, From that original group I have one. 15 years of friendship isn’t that bad and not worth throwing away. In any case, letting anyone see me, and for what I really and truly was, was impossible for me to even do, because of how afraid of being hurt I was. I would constantly keep people at arms length in order for me to never get hurt. It worked and in the long run, i probably pushed away a lot of people I shouldn’t have. Probably could have been a lot happier if I let some in, but the fear was overwhelming and I couldn’t handle it.
Back to the Story
Somehow, out of thin air, Ryan decided to make a facebook and I so happened to stumble upon it and eagerly added him, not knowing if he would actually accept me. Strange to have such a fear of the internet ya know? In any case, thus began our friendship. Being both shy as fuck around each other, we started out very slowly. Texting first, then skyping. It took a good month before we could actually handle seeing each other in 3D as he calls it. There were laughs and awkward moments, and learning and the beginnings of love. Finally when we did see each other in 3D we were awkward and strange and probably both uncomfortable. Even if that was, we continued to hang out with each other until one day it just clicked. I don’t remember if it was me, or him that began our retarded real self adventures but in any case, our friendship began to blossom into something amazing soon after that. I was 17 when this began. October.
Now, my heart comes out.
Ryan Soule became my true friend, my amazing partner in crime. The one person who would take me in without a second thought. The first person I call when I am about to do something stupid or if I need a shoulder. The amount of love I have for him goes beyond any kind of relationship. It is the closest to family you could ever reach and more. I love this man so much. I cry thinking about the moment our friendship almost ended. That was a horrible day. But now, even being gone for like two days the moment we see eachother it feels like it has been years. Everytime I am with him, there isn’t a horrible moment. I am free. Freedom is what I have found in another person I never thought I’d ever reach. Id pull my heart out and carve his name into it to show people how much he means to me. I intend on getting a tattoo for this man somewhere. That is how important he is to me. The impact he has made in my life and the faith I have in him. He is what brings me light. He reminds me that the world isn’t horrible. That people are amazing and they can love you as much as you can love them. That there is no reason to hide away and feel like the world is crumbling around you. He has held me as I’ve cried, sobbed, screamed. He has helped me through and stopped me from wanting to die, self-harm, depression. I can’t even get this all out without crying. Ryan Soule is apart of me, never to be pulled away. He is one of the most amazing, sweet, caring, kind, valued, perfect human being i’ve ever had the pleasure and honor of having in my life. I would never ask for anything different. He helped me through the worst part of my life imaginable, all happening within the same year. My family falling apart, my relationship falling apart, the decision to give up a child, and throughout the healing process of all this. Though the nightmares and fears and tears. All the blood, harm. The fights, the anger, the rage, the sadness, the happiness and the joy. He has stayed by me throughout the whole entire thing.
I love you Ryan, and nothing will change that. Not a goddamn thing.