A few years back we did indeed give out gifts to employees instead of bonuses, what with the increase in the price of moon rocks and plutonium and whatnot. Those pathetic, lonely, single employees are the ones that work harder, longer and are just damn more committed to Science that those namby pamby, family-emergency, need-to-go-home-early-for-my-kids-recital breeders. I know we will always need another generation to carry on the noble work we do here at Aperture, but we need adults, not kids!
Thats why i personally set up the Age Reappropriation Program, attempting to take built up time from older test subjects and give it to the upstart, sickeningly young test subjects, bingo bango two employees in the prime of their life! But, uh, at the moment it only affects calcium so if you want to speed up teething, go right ahead. I would be very precise with your aim however, rapidly aging the bones in a human arm can really stretch the skin and nervous system. Excruciating.
Anyhoo, the gifts for family were various kid-friendly items. If we can’t age them in a hideous crime against nature you can be damn sure we’ll try and snag them early to the life in the service of Scientific progress! We had all sorts of educational doodads. Mobius ring toss, radiation infused Potato batteries, The Lil’ Cave “totally cool” chemistry set, My First Science Jumpsuit, Aperture “M.A.D!” (or Mind Acceleration Device) and the ever popular My Little Test Subject action playset. Kicker was, by accepting the gifts, they automatically signed up to ensure their offspring join the company when the get old enough! Haha! And the winner is…SCIENCE!