As requested by anon. :)
When Ulquiorra took over Bleach Lists, his list was Bleach characters answering the question that is the title of this post: where is the heart? It is now time to imagine what such a list would look like! So, Bleach characters, Ulquiorra is asking where the heart is! How will you respond?
Ichigo: It’s in your chest!
Ichigo: Well, not *your* chest since hollows don’t have hearts, but if you’re asking about human hearts, then they’re in the chest!
Byakuya: Kurosaki Ichigo is correct. The heart is in the chest - in the center, under the ribs.
Byakuya: You could find that out in approximately three seconds if you bothered to google.
Kenpachi: How do you expect to stab anyone correctly if you don’t know where the heart is?
Kenpachi: You should know your enemy!
Kenpachi: Otherwise you might try to stab a guy in the brain when it turns out he’s missing most of it.
Hitsugaya: If you are talking about *your* heart, Ulquiorra, then it’s your mask.
Hitsugaya: The remnants of a hollow’s heart becomes his mask.
Hitsugaya: So yours is lopsided and horned.
Hitsugaya: Take that as you will.
Orihime: Um, guys?
Orihime: I’m pretty sure Ulquiorra-kun is talking metaphorically here.
Orihime: You know, using “heart” to mean “human emotion”?
Tatsuki: So….he’s just talking about the brain?
Ishida: Or the liver! Like the ancient Greeks thought!
Ishida: What? It’s hard to find the right moment to share that.
Orihime: M-more metaphorical, guys!
Rukia: I get you, Inoue!
Rukia: Kaien-dono once told me that heart is born when people make a connection, and that when you die, your heart is left with your friends!
Rukia: So everyone has as many hearts as they have friends!
Rukia: So in Ulquiorra’s case……
Rukia: Well it’s not like you need more than one heart anyway!
Rose: I think the heart resides in anything you love!
Rose: Friends, yes, but also music, poetry, art - whatever you pour your heart into, there your heart remains!
Kira: I would like some haiku stuffed into my gaping chest wound then.
Rose: Izuru, please, we’re doing metaphors now!
Unohana: In the end, it depends on why the hollow is asking.
Unohana: If he wants to stab the heart, it is in the chest.
Unohana: If he wants to know the source of emotions, it is the brain.
Unohana: If he wants to use metaphors correctly, then “heart” can refer to anything a person loves.
Unohana: There is really one only place the heart never resides.
Unohana: The hand.
Unohana: Like, where does that even come from? Nobody says that.
Ulquiorra: I was this close to making you my heart consultant.
Unohana: I am so devastated.