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Fatherhood is finally getting a little attention from a Playboy Playmate.

You know that nightmare where an excruciatingly attractive Playboy Playmate of the Year and a professional skate star ridicule you on national television? No? That’s cool. MTV made sure you and thousands of other viewers could live it vicariously through me.

Back in February, a video of my daughter overreacting to a motorboat sound went viral. Since then, I’ve been inundated with licensing requests from England to Japan and back to America.

Aside from those that came in the first few days (The Ellen Show, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Today Show, GMA, etc.), I’ve turned down every offer. Every cent of profit that’s connected with this blog goes directly into 529 plans for Greyson and Charlotte, but I’m still cautious as to how I earn that income. So with that being said, I must admit that the folks at MTV were very kind (and persuasive). For one time only, I licensed the video—for a nominal fee—to Ridiculousness.

I had only one stipulation: “Do not ridicule my daughter.” I’m happy to say they honored that request, and instead, did this. Here’s a transcript (or just skip to 14:48 in the video above).

Host: Oh no. Awe, whatcha doin’ little baby?

Motorboat. Reaction. Uproarious laughter from the audience.

Playmate: Oh my god. Wait. Those, those cut-off shorts scare me more than anything on that guy. Look at that. Who, what…? Look at his shorts!

Host: OH MY GOD! We got the…look at his pasty thighs! Look at his…

Playmate: I mean, do men wear those? I don’t…

Host: Oh my god. I’ve watched this video and thought it was so cute, over and over. Until now when all I see is two man thighs. Like, I can’t even look at it.

Playmate: If his legs are that scary in his outfit, can you imagine what that baby is looking at?!

Just so we’re clear, I’ve got thick skin and (as evidenced by the video) a densely woven forest of body hair. This stuff doesn’t even begin to hurt my feelings. In fact, my wife showed it to her eighth graders today…every single one of them.

And now they all totally judge her for sleeping with me. 

Self esteem so low my need to apologize is now boardline narcissist. Who do I think i am? Do i think people are impacted enough by that I need to constantly say sorry for existing. I’m awful but this is such ridiculousnes Im trying to do spare everyone feeling but my own. I have no problem abusing myself I’m not safe by myself I don’t care for me. Me that write and me that acts aren’t the same I’m disassociating. Its hard to see my self crumble and know all the bad I doing but I don’t care I just want to be alive and dead at the same damn time and no one can tell me I’m not. I’m allowed the comfort I give others. Its so hard to love myself why? I think so poorly of myself I can’t be around people until I get better I have to get better and quick. I’m gonna dye my hair and stop eating I think thatll work for a bit just enough to roll me over until the check for my school year clears with the department of education. I’m very sfressed I’m only 17 I shouldn’t have worry wrinkles in my forehead. I’m a big girl I can hold myowm against anyone I drink with.or I use to. Not anymore. I blackout a bit of weed xanies a perc and half a bottle of Smirnoff maybe I learned to get straight t. The point the point is to not remember. I black out too often came it scares me I can repress a memory recently created for years and I’ll never know. Had this slip up unless I go and look back I learn a lot about myself when I’m under the influence but it all so real and it raw it hurts to known these parts of me still exist. I am all the mes that havr come before me I’m constantly updating my software I’m the latest model of myself it’ll never get more fulfilling than this and I think hwts okay I’m done Im okay whère I am in life its not the worst but not the best but its okay like me km where I have to be. I should concern mydlr f with being at the moment not all at I have been. I’m traveled. Through my memories a lot tonight. Very honestly I will never settle for just oKay nothing is ever enough for me I have to bleed the most cry the hardest being the worst. I want to be trash so bad but im just as ordinary as anyone. Try hard trying hard to be nothing and still failing. The audience is not shocked. This is produced in front a live audience of multiple personalities from year so before. I was a creepy kid I had all this bottled up in side I’m happy to let myself have this but I won’t like it when I look baçk I get sad over knowing this will all just be a memory but it feels so important rn. I think i hav alot of sentence I can work with for bigger pieces thàt would be more universal than my stream of consciousness if you read this I broke. Down what I feel so well I can revisit it all the time if I ever achieve anything greater know how low I had went. my death would be fucking tragic

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