rich people

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What rich people are like probably

No jail time for DuPont heir who raped an infant.

Robert H. Richards IV admitted to sexually assaulting his infant son and daughter and has been sentenced to probation because the judge believes Richards “will not fare well” in prison.

He’s an unemployed heir living off a trust fund, so of course “will not fare well” is just code for “is too rich to serve time.”

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YG Spent 2 Billion Won on BIGBANG’s Teaser Video Alone

“All the songs on BIGBANG’s new album are special. That’s why we decided to release two songs a month so that none of the songs are overlooked. We are also considering making a music video for all of the songs.”  - Yang Hyun Suk (YG)

Things People Need To Remember

• White people are not the problem, racists are.
• Muslims are not the problem, terrorists are.
• CIS people are not the problem, transphobic people are.
• Christians are not the problem, homophobic and judgmental people are.
• Rich people are not the problem, wealthy people who used the poor to become rich and make fun of the lower class are.
• Those who share, celebrate and honor a culture are not the problem, those who wrongly appropriate a culture to lower it or make fun of it are.
• Men are not the problem, misogyny and those who think are they’re the better sex are.
• Women are not the problem, misandry and those who think are they’re the better sex are.
• People are not the problem, their bad actions are.

Help! Poor Kids Want My Hard-Earned Candy

Dear Prudence, 23 October 2014:

Dear Prudence, I live in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in the country, but on one of the more “modest” streets—mostly doctors and lawyers and family business owners. (A few blocks away are billionaires, families with famous last names, media moguls, etc.) I have noticed that on Halloween, what seems like 75 percent of the trick-or-treaters are clearly not from this neighborhood. Kids arrive in overflowing cars from less fortunate areas. I feel this is inappropriate. Halloween isn’t a social service or a charity in which I have to buy candy for less fortunate children. Obviously this makes me feel like a terrible person, because what’s the big deal about making less fortunate kids happy on a holiday? But it just bugs me, because we already pay more than enough taxes toward actual social services. Should Halloween be a neighborhood activity, or is it legitimately a free-for-all in which people hunt down the best candy grounds for their kids? —Halloween for the 99 Percent

Dear Halloween for the 99 Percent,

Forgive me for straying toward another holiday altogether, but I’d like to paraphrase one of the most beloved literary characters of all time

Are there no workhouses? Are there no prisons?

I think you see where I’m going with this. Already you must divert what funds you should rightfully be able to use on that second yacht to supporting America’s notoriously robust, even overadequate, social safety net. Must you also give candy bars to poor, lazy urchins who don’t even know the value of a hard day’s work, and thereby teach them that they deserve the same king-size Kit-Kat bars that the nose-to-the-grindstone children in your own neighborhood have earned honestly?

It’s not your fault that your neighbors’ precious offspring had the foresight and diligence to be born into unimaginable wealth, while these moocher-babies couldn’t even get it together enough to land with a couple of piddly-ass lawyers.

This is America, not communism! Don’t feel bad for standing up to this encroaching oppression; give the poors a Snickers and they’ll soon get all kinds of uppity ideas about having access to the same education, health care and political enfranchisement that their wealthy superiors enjoy. And then where would we be? A nation full of people who believe they’re created equal in the eyes of the Great Pumpkin?

Halloween isn’t about trick AND treat, it’s about trick OR treat. Feel free to avail yourself of the “or” and instead of handing out candy, drop a bootstrap in their buckets.

Cracked sat down with Taylor Crane, a man who worked in a luxury hotel and saw the dirty, sometimes literally shitty exploits of the One Percent firsthand.

5 Things You Learn About Rich People Working at a Nice Hotel

#5. Rich People Live by Different Rules

It’s just the way it works – you accommodate the guests, and at that income level, it means you stay out of the way of whatever they want to do. When a car full of female escorts pulls up, you go and assist them. It isn’t illegal prostitution when rich people do it – it’s just a “private party.”

On one occasion, I went to collect bags from a guest, and when I was let in, the room was in shambles. The windows had been taped. Not just a little tape on the window, either – the entire window was covered. I was completely taken aback. It looked like the meth house from Breaking Bad (pick one), but the guest walked out in a suit, spoke like a completely normal person, and had all of his teeth. He never once acknowledged the mess other than to mention he needed housekeeping. I asked the housekeeper about him later and she just shrugged and said he tipped well.

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This bitch right here had a mimosa in her hand, decided she didn’t like it, and just dumped it on the tile floor. Dumped it. Then she went and got napkins…..to clean off her hands. After watching two people walk through it (safely) and being terrified they were going to slip and fall, I went and got napkins and cleaned it up myself (until an employee noticed and politely refused to let a customer finish the cleanup job). She didn’t even glance at me as I cleaned up the mess next to her feet.

That was absolutely despicable. Well, guess what bitch, you’ll be tumblr famous for it now.

A Mystery is Solved.

GUEST: Your hotel is just awful. Awful. Every time we come here we have a bad experience.
CONCIERGE: (in his head) Then why do you come back?
GUEST: Last time a lamp fell on my head, and the time before that the housekeeper never even came to our room.
CONCIERGE: (in his head) Then why do you come back?
GUEST: I mean last night I went to take a bath, and I’m looking around the bathroom thinking, “This place needs a remodel!” It’s really one of the dirtier hotels I’ve stayed at.
CONCIERGE: (in his head) Then why do you come back?
GUEST: I mean, we have stayed here 5 or 6 times now. We always come here for our anniversary, and it’s always so disappointing.
CONCIERGE: (in his head) Then why do you come back?
GUEST: Luckily, one of the managers just upgraded us to a suite. He always does when we complain.
CONCIERGE: (in his head) Oh. That’s why you come back.

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With inequality at record levels and almost all the economic gains going to the top, there’s more pressure than ever to get the golden ring. A degree from a prestigious university can open doors to elite business schools and law schools – and to jobs paying hundreds of thousands, if not millions, a year. So parents who can afford it are paying grotesque sums to give their kids an edge. They “enhance” their kid’s resumes with such things as bassoon lessons, trips to preserve the wildlife in Botswana, internships at the Atlantic Monthly. They hire test preparation coaches. They arrange for consultants to help their children write compelling essays on college applications. They make generous contributions to the elite colleges they once attended, to which their kids are applying  – colleges that give extra points to “legacies” and even more to those from wealthy families that donate tons of money.

You might call this affirmative action for the rich.

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The 1% has its own private Facebook now — and it costs $9,000 to join

America’s super-rich now have their own private Facebook-type site named Netropolitan, which charges a $9,000 registration fee and labels itself “the online country club for people with more money than time." 

Launched Tuesday, Netropolitan is "inaccessible from the public Internet,” completely encrypted, ad-free and boasts features like staff moderators, cloud storage and total anonymity.

No, this isn’t satire