[For it is time to figure out what we believe.
As it happens when I am awake at length, in these primal, delusive states, beyond the point of being tired, this is what crosses my mind.
I wander away to the point beyond ever having needed sleep to begin with and it seems inscrutable to me to have slept in the past.
And of course I would need sleep, eventually, but for now I am infinite, I think, in these extended, circular moments; for now I am more than longitude, I am latitude, I am upwards, more grace than human grace, better.
And how we lie to ourselves about the necessity of sleep is an exact replica of the human psychosis. For we live unrested, until we are defeated: by the natural processes of fatigue, we unwittingly make our way through our infinities, and die as human.
By the final unbearable wound. We get damaged. We are chipped away by doubts and ridicule first,
Then we fade out. For all the times when a person had retaliated just in time to curb death, that person in turn would lose days to stress or languor.
So awhile goes by and the same things matter. There are platitudes we know are disguises, masks; we are enlightened; there is the subtle encroaching feeling that one is not only alone but as loyal to fate as puppets to the master. We reflect our fate by simply being. Every day.
Nobody can control being alive. It is our fate. And it is my personal scope of beauty to imagine all us as being upon this planet for a time, this planet only as well for a time, and forever afterwards a dauntless blankness, an eternal, breathless tomb: sans memory, sans any subject of reflection because, of course, the mirror stares out into sightless darkness.
I am the mirror in the closet. Or I like to think we all are mere reflection which has been put away. Or perhaps machines that bounce back and forth and thrive especially when bouncing along a familiar current: naming many discernible things and objects, dividing, placing them: objects that by their external nature seem to prove the internal nature of the mirror when in fact we are really speaking of a mirror, which can only reflect as much poise as the gazer permits to see in herself.
What is lost in this is not necessarily a subject to reflect on but the energy to do it. One in darkness reaches for darkness and then reaches no more. We live and know and map out the faculties of this being-alive, but without the schematics; rather, by the virtues of others’ discernibility, which makes sense as there would not be possible faculties without a place for those faculties.
And if being-alive itself is the place than one might as well discount the rest of those on this unconscious, watery marble, itself nearly impudent in my eyes, a thing sickened more by more care towards its opinion-less opinion.
So I think of this without sleep. So I grow hemmed in.
What is true void, indifference, or what I might call the pathos of the neutral. It is grass. It is the echoing of slipped leaves, many, at once, sounding a reservoir yet each in itself a leaf, nay but most times a leaf a commerce with the river but by all the leaves, all the leaves.
And some perhaps get crippled by any sort of habit of thinking, and then everything is states and category. And some yet are seen a thought-gratis, a new way suddenly there and for free, for those who understand doubt properly.
There are some who give up their own rights to change their mind, thoughts misrepresented in what is seen a baseless suddenness that one lesser might infuse with truth upon reading, scoping them, hemming them in, naming a tree a tree and a river a river when indeed a tree might be a river by the leaves that fall into the river; by the motion of the leaves one might feel the flow of water, and in water the physicality and pleaches of these nameless leaves.
And yes they would carry it around with them, these names-for-objects, these saying of a thing’s quality, difference, and all approachable if only based in some really absurd, debased source. We go on spreading the lie thought to be truth, so as to go on. But anyway, this is one hell of a massive blind, blue, and rocky platform to choose to follow along on, on the wave of wavers, doubts, scrutiny-of-what’s-truth: this blind marble: oh you blueness: the which, will always have its perspectives by refusing them all to begin with.
And upon entrance already to that final dying-time of all us. What will happen when sleep overtakes restlessness ?? No apocalypse. No rupture of the moon. Who do I speak of, or for ??
I speak of course of what amounts to a future of people whom drones now would find liable to see as dispassionate. I speak of one in death. For that is our grand future: and, it might just be what opens the gate into a world of all-is-one, where the leaf beyond the concept of difference, or naming, or reality, might instill within us, once dead, the same values, the same feelings, as that which is water, is river, is the arterial resemblance itself of what are the tree’s roots and leaf’s bones.
At the moment people may think, it is allowed: we are allowed to name improperly under the guise of dissection and critical thinking. Ah, well. Later on the deathbed comes something else, I should know, for I am but a death awaiting, before it like a satyr at a steeple. When we do live after all we are sleepless until we either untie the knot and figure-it-all-out so to speak, or succumb to the divisive will of the body, meanwhile thinking ourselves outside the realm of others, beyond, better than life, better than leaves, because oh, yes, we have the ability to name.
The most dangerous moment is when one welcomes a thing which advertises its certainty like as to prove one’s own need of it; a persuasion, an intoxication. One whom has finally ‘approached’ relief, like an oasis reached by those without water, burnt by sun and wind, led desperately through the desperate miles of sand and whorled, dry tree.
The retaliation is ceased then and so is the life, simply in hankering for water. A dying body is no longer a mind. It will happen and this maybe is due not only to death itself but a general analytical blindness, much like what any and all philosophers mention somewhere, that humanity is led astray by indifference, ignorance, lack of perspective, et al.]
SOME OTHER THING
great to just have to get the beating fools who want to fight it
out apart for one second again: I had a dream about my death:
I was waiting to go under the knife: I was in a hospital: the two
of them were fighting within: their side of the story: trust their side
of the story, I told my doom: as for me, it works, empathy: a good uh
example is, they wish to mine more to figure out what I suffer for:
well it all leads up to the same delta: from the pain-vein hit, I ached it
more able, I saw, for feeding it: I became it: hungry for it, for feelings:
they all of them want to share what the other does: but that’s what
I don’t want to see: the other doesn’t want that for them, either, most
likely all myself—but separated.—this tragic clutter makes u gag on
too properly attractive feelings: it is too much : one who knows, uh,
enough about the eater to find much meat to munch here wld. but cld
I just, remember the other they say; cld I recollect what my ego-mind
chooseth, and cld that be who I am; who I was, rashly destroyed,
cld that just, yeah, be no ghost but prodigal: of that sphere-soul
I return, just this one time: well: make it more times: carry the very uh
hexameter! before being set in amber. there is
a fly, a me-mindless in that gold,
eternally in the damn sap, a
drone. final status
of me-mindless. suddenly
I am peckish, I
get no longer to
be fed to the belly
too soon, just right,
anyway. more of
this is better than
none: more of
the large petal
conjures for some
it is going dead in
my hands. it is,
along with the rest
of the lineage, a
blot, a spot, a sexy
insignificance. it is
existing here and
now, but I suppose
just as easily cld
be resisting, or
dead: oh: I mean,
age for all of
time, begotten to
I for to summon to the promontory laughing, pick
Wedged food out of teeth, smell armpit, tamp down cummerbund.
Skin grit against face. Ugh. I’m old. Yet for to describe the vacuous flood
Of blood, it must be so. Each to each a psalter and a bent , well: AHEM:
Butt. We face towards themselves alone, they trickling into departments
Way down into the Basement Of Meaninglessness. We go crying
In rooms for them, as a solid streak outside peals through shitty blinds:
Then thunder thunders thunderous across an age as some jive
Gets lost with the next: we as the old equip the wrong ways to young
Birds. Minority and majority help themselves at the same table
Of the accursed, the unifying factor is the poetry in
Being doomed, caught domed all around by pollution and bad
Music, sirens going off, taking PROZAC: and hearing pops in the brain
Like it were some new snappy extremity to life. Well, all is majority,
All is this river’s fractious movement, dead and yet with a way,
A belting of motion so strong as to imply intent, as if
Water thought things, felt them when you screamed at a droplet
Of water, felt thoughts when you crooned to the same drop,
Perhaps. Natty as nature is it gets solid, like a relic, bakes
Into penitent ground, removes itself to the heartiest mildew,
Gets into, conjures away all else, into, a FOSSIL. It is we who
Are all along in our movement of death, the true aesthetic,
Mumbling bluely and whitely in breakers trembling their way,
Running as the as-intentional wind, wide and invisible
And felling the unfed ground with oxygen and revealing
The grand, gradual system of the fresh, bright-orange roots of
The trees: and o ample web, web of roots and ‘decisive factors’
And obligation, ream of boss, boo of ghost, stranger’s heckle: o:
What should: what should go, what will be what EZRA POUND
Lovest, which well remained: when’s the fossil coming
Round these parts: pardoner: ragging a stupendous bell he
Says sorry for his own bones’ quivering: me: ‘internal strife’:
Get within the scream, get so within, it gets along with pain’s
Restive gang till they turn on you with bats: ribs crack against
The Pound Of The Bats: you die. Folly and folly, folly,
Folly. BLerg. So what is it to wrangle needles
From BD afterwards: WALLGREENS, a conniving card grinning
At the store: escaping eagle-eyed manager, the fat clerk
Leads dead man to the bundles in the back: she likes
Him and tending to go on treating pills to
Those trodden-on, beaten-on—those with burs like scales across back,
Catches flack later from boss, “Damnit Hoss,
Distribute the price before you
Go and give shit to rail, straight into The Zone.”
Vacancy. I preach and preach to empty seats
Daily like Schopenhauer during Hegel’s Speeches
In the other auditorium. Black as can be the man gets
Pulled over for it. What in hell is the problem
With reaching for you license ?? Apparently
Enough to shoot a gun. Cigars, Candy Bars, these
Are dangerous weapons. [Sarcasm, for the sacrament
Is dead, you sacrifice expensive poodles for nada.
The voice is great and resounds. I leave the promontory. Erham.
The voice is letting me talk about stuff that matters,
For now; don’t worry. I’ll get back to useless abstraction.]
It’s the difference I suspect, appealing
To wider graces, forsaking lesser. That
Space belonging to my sullen mood now.
Where hush and hush make sentiments of
These restrained, lashing kingdoms of
Hue, appropriate bulk for such delay, an
Eager say, and for multiples of focus I
Consider my won reply a question lost,
Where have I tossed my doubts, and what
The cost ?? The difference I suspect
Is irked to life from knowing too much
Awareness, like: an accidental epiphany
As regards the shook tubes filled with
Plaque, as regards an answer I had more
Than thought to be found in the singing
From some rampart down at us, I should
Know: I was caterwauling to unpretentious