reptoid

WHAT TO WEAR WHEN: You Are A Reptoid Disguised As An Anchorwoman And You Are About To Reveal Your Succesful Conquest of Earth On Live TV

  • Do not appear overly exuberant. Remember, you’re still in an office environment.
  • According to human studies, green tones make authority figures, like newscasters, appear “untrustworthy.” Good! Let the anticipatory fear chill them for reasons they cannot place. Then it will seem only natural and right when you turn to devour your feeble-minded and lecherous co-anchor, Don.
  • Yes, it is a celebratory time, but keep your skull jewelry subtle and chic, like these silver King Baby studs. Elaborate, jangly earrings are a definite “don’t” when you have something important to say, especially on camera. The only distracting glint should be that of your horrible razor teeth.
  • Nothing says “polished and professional” like a pencil silhouette — and nothing says “My unhindered legs are swifter than yours and I will soon taste your warm milk-fed flesh,” like a thigh slit. Luckily for you, this Pucci skirt has both.
  • In an outfit with a sharply tailored bottom half, try contrasting with a looser top — say a silk dolman blouse, like this one from Julie Haus.
  • Haul your iPad, mascara, train reading, slime-swaddled eggs and other office essentials in a roomy, neutral tote. The “Darcy” bag by Alexander Wang is a perfect fit.
  • Remember that the soft flesh of your pallid woman-suit will not imprison you much longer! Choose tones that flatter your own natural hues of bronze, gold, and iridescent green.
  • Don’t worry about “overdoing” the reptile textures you’ve missed so much while trapped in this smooth, doughy carapace. The key to texture-mixing is to choose contrasting sizes: in this case, for instance, notice the large repeating squares on the skirt, medium-sized scales on the pumps, and subtle pebbling on the bag.
  • Should you need to switch sexes in order to perpetuate the species, you can apply the same principle to pattern-mixing — a skill that’s absolutely a menswear must!
  • Above all, HAVE FUN! After all, the beauty editors who once tried to tell you what to do will soon be slaves or food for the glorious, terrible army of your millions of spawn.