repositoryofsarrie

Yesterday
I was quite sure
That my feelings
For you
Already skedaddled

No more dilemmas
No more doubts

Deep down
In my heart
I knew that
Our time has passed
Already over
Cannot be revived
Not anymore

But earlier
When we read
Together what
Was your
Required readings
I felt something
Coming back

Sparks
Feelings

And now
I’m not quite
Sure anymore
If I want it
To vamoose

June 25, 2013

Just in case the day comes that I forget, I’d like to look back to this blog and see how happy and thankful you’ve made me.

Dear you,

Thank you for today. I don’t really remember clearly now why I am thanking you but still, thank you. So just gonna enumerate things that are still solid in my head. Thank you for reassuring me earlier that there had been nothing going on between the two of you. Thank you for asking me, “Don’t you trust me?” because in that question, I have realized that I could, I do, and I should. Thank you for that.

Thank you for eating beside me and sharing food with me earlier. Dining with you is one of my most favorite things now. Well, doing anything with you is actually my favorite heehee. Even for that 30 minutes of doing I don’t know what, thank you for that. Thank you for bullying me into making me sit beside you and hold the fan and take turns.

Also, thank you for trusting me, in turn, and making me forge your mother’s signature. It may sound all so wrong now but I really appreciated it. I know that you could have just let your (guy) friend do it, or just anyone who was there with you. But no, you waited for me to come. And called for me.

Lastly, thank you for playing that weird game with me and even doing what I recognize as baby talk. That meant a lot to me. Seriously, that, for me, was an indicator. And I just wish that you just make your move already.

P.S. Thank you for listening to my endless stories, even if most of the time they don’t even mean anything anymore. I just hope that you won’t get irritated by them and not think of me as what he thought of me back then. I wish you just appreciate these shallow, nonsensical stories, and take them as I would like to share every experience that I have with you. Or should I stop telling you nonsensical stuff so that we could talk about the more serious stuff?

Whatever I am about to post is about something that concerns my life probably 2 or 3 years ago. I don’t even bother to count. So let’s start off with a very intimate conversation right after an intense makeout session with my ex love almost 3 years ago.

G: What’s your stand on PMS (premarital sex)?
S: Uhm, I’m not really sure yet
G: Uhm, do you imagine us doing the deed when our makeout sesh is getting intense?
S: Uhhh
G: If ever I invite you to have sex with me, what would your reaction be?
S: Uhm, I don’t know. Can’t picture the theoretical question really being asked by you
G: Will it be okay with you if we make love with each other?
S: *just giving him a blank face*

Okay, so I know that this has been more than 2 years ago and that I should have moved on already. Well, yes. I know, I have. I’m sure of it. But with what I learned 2 days ago about you and the one whom you replaced me with, I don’t know. It just felt a little weird. A little weird and awkward to confirm that really one of the reasons why we broke up is that I didn’t want to have sex with you then.

And right after breaking up with me, you find this girl who’s more than willing to respond to your sexual needs. And replace me with her. I know that we weren’t really in an official relationship but knowing that you guys got into the official relationship after doing the deed, I don’t know if it’s a relief or a slap in the face. And take note, after just two months of getting to know and everything else and after being in a long-term relationship. I don’t even know how to feel or how to react. That’s a good thing, right? Because that shows my apathy.

But there’s one thing, though. Whatever I learned about them gave a bad image about the girl. That maybe, she really seduced him into leaving me. Fuck you.

P.S. You’re still forgiven.

Deadly Thoughts

Sometimes, I wonder whatever will happen to our friendship if I stop putting an effort to things, if I stop initiating our meetups and the like. Will we still be seeing each other? Will we be considered as friends?

I’m sorry. I know that both of you don’t mean to exclude me in our three-person friendship, what seems to be a two-person friendship now. I’m sorry for being so jealous. I’m also sorry for being the cause of not making this possible, for letting myself not graduate on time, that now I still have to study while you reap the fruits of your hard work. I’m sorry for even thinking this but I’m not sure if I’m really sorry.

I just finished browsing through your out-of-town pictures with her. And here I am now, having all these feelings at one o’clock in the goddamn morning. That type of friendship is ours. Only ours.

Sorry if I’m being selfish about this but can’t help feeling this way. We were the ones who got close first and we should be the ones sticking out for each other. We’ve always had similar interests and knew (btw, still do) each other really well…not until destiny played its tricks on us that we drifted apart. She came into the picture. And now, she is the bestfriend.

Maybe, I don’t hate her guts at all. Maybe, I just hate the fact that she took my place. She took my place in your heart that you no longer needed me, craved for me, missed me, and wanted my company.

I miss you, friend. And yes, you’ll still be the flower girl at my wedding. And nope, I don’t hate her just because of her taking my place but also because of her guts. Hate hate hate.

But stopping on the hating, I just really want to be able to turn back time.

I miss you when you're not around

I told myself
That I like you
Only as a friend
Because that is
What I think
I feel

But please do
Explain to me
The presence
Of this absence
In my heart
Whenever you are
Nowhere in sight

They say
“Out of sight,
Out of mind”
But this doesn’t
Seem to be the case
No, not at all
Because
“Your absence
Only makes
My heart
Grow fonder”

One of the best things in life

Is having someone you are in love, or even in like, with wake up next to you. Opening the eyelids slowly, rubbing the eyes to refresh them from a somewhat deep sleep. You seeing what might be redness, resulting from the not wanting to wake up yet but continue on with the slumber. But he chooses to open them eyes up anyway to have more time to look at you.

His eyes suddenly gleam and this is instantly followed by a smile, rather a smirk, like secretly wanting to say that it had been so much nice and beautiful and lovely waking up next to you and having you as the first thing he lays his eyes on. Like reality is so much better than my dream because I have you in this real world.

I’d love to have that feeling with you every waking day of my life.

Whenever I see this photo, I remember you. I remember us. I recall the moments that we would spend in our hangout place. In that bench, where we first held hands. In that bench, where we would just sit and talk about deep or nonsensical stuff, anything under the sun, really. In that bench, where I told you my deepest darkest secret and you told me yours. In that bench, where we would eat our take out food and then take a nap on afterwards. In that bench, where we would spend rainy days napping while hugging or just cuddling.

In that bench, where we would do that exact thing as the picture on. Where we would just lay our bodies, trying to squeeze ourselves in that narrow bench. And then you would try to lay your head on my shoulder and I would do the same. Sometimes, you would even sleep on your side, the side where I am and I would hear your slow, peaceful breathing on my ear. That’s like saying, I am alive whenever I am with you. Or how you would try to make me fall asleep by caressing your hand either on my hair or on my face. In that bench, where I didn’t want to leave, where we didn’t want to leave.

In that same bench, where we used to talk about the future, our future. But now, all we have is a past that is filled with these wonderful memories to remember by. I miss those times with you. I miss you. I miss us.

Friends, you say?

I really don’t get where the awkwardness that we have between us now is coming from.

Four days ago, we were doing perfectly fine. Teasing each other up, talking about very intimate relationship stuff, and even sort of came home together. But after what seemed to be a long break, our friendship has been affected—looks like it had a break also and still on it now. I can’t seem to figure if there had been a significant happening that I may not be conscious of that has caused this. If so, please let me know and don’t leave me here dumbfounded.

Isn’t that what friends are supposed to do? Tell the other if something is wrong. And like there’s this obligatory conversation every time we see each other. But the way you looked at me yesterday while I was informing you of something and how you didn’t even bother to look at me or notice me earlier say otherwise.

And I am barely aware, dear, that actions speak louder than words.

Or does it just so happen that you don’t need anything from me as of the moment that you don’t feel the need to interact with me? Wow. That says a lot about our “friendship.” Thank you so much.

P.S. Please do know that I am secretly hoping that I am just overthing things (again) and all these crazy thoughts are brought about by my PMS-ing.

Having just watched The Rebound for the second time, I wish that life were as easy as it is in the movies. Boy and girl fall in love with each other, with his and her quirks and nuances. Something happens after having just have reached the highest of the high in the relationship, ensuing a breakup. Both or one goes on either miserably or happily, each with their own lives. And then years later, the two meet up, hold hands, and carry on as if they haven’t grown apart after the years gone by. I just wish it was easy as that. But no, it isn’t and it doesn’t work that way.

The other day, I was feeling exceptionally sad

And I am writing this only now that I’m quite sure that my feelings have been sorted out and I’m finally thinking (logically). And I am writing this here even if I said that I won’t update this Tumblog anymore with text posts just because the feeling of agreeing to myself where I stand is actually liberating and worth sharing to some people whom I know of.

Yesterday was supposed to be a fine day for me (or rather, for us). We were supposed to have quality time with some people. Supposed to have lunch and the usual that goes with that but something came up that I could no longer join you. But afterwards, went to where I know we would sure meet and yes, we did. Talked a little. Talked a lot. Talked about random stuff. Talked about feelings. Talked about deep and serious stuff that actually mattered to me. It was a pretty perfect moment because you gave me an insight on the different side of the picture and you tried to make me understand. Everything was noteworthy until you uttered the words, “But then if you don’t believe my argument/logic, it’s okay because I don’t care.” My initial reaction was nothing intense for it was in your nature to say something of the sort. But when I thought it over and over in my head, it made me think. It made me realize how you really do not give a fuck about the situation. How you really do not give a fuck about me. All this was supposed to be turned around when I got you to read some article I’d like for you to read even when you didn’t want to in the first place because you said that you were not in the mood for reading. That made me happy but things turned around again when you said that you didn’t want to talk about that kind of things that day. But after a while, you seemed like wanting to open up your problems to me. That felt nice, you trusting me with your problems and all. But didn’t anymore when after I asked you what was/were it/they, you said, “YOU.” Or how you kept on brushing the topic off and telling me that you will tell me later but you really didn’t get to tell me it. Okay, you get to choose what to talk about, what to do, what to make fun of, and everything else. But what’s worse is how you joke around with me. I don’t see it as a simple form of bullying or a little something to get my attention anymore but I see it as you disrespecting me. And that hurts a lot like fuck.

And I don’t want to be feeling that way for the many more days, months, or even years to come. And I won’t anymore, because I now choose to unlike you (if ever I really like you). I deserve better, I know.

I remember you saying something about expectations when you were making me understand the predicament I am in. And how you said that even if people have hurt you with the things that they’ve done/said to you, they are sure that the reason for doing so is not to hurt you but rather something else. Maybe, this is one of those things. I expected differently from what actually happened in reality. Got hurt by all of those aforementioned instances and more. And now, I am more than disappointed. I thought you liked me. And I thought that I liked you back. But maybe, all this is just an illusion because what we are is friends who got each other’s backs and reaches out to the other when help is sought for. Or maybe, you’re just being friends with me because it is a good choice for you. You get to have your favors done and questions (that are not supposed to be answered) all by yours truly. But even then, I still consider you as my friend. Now, only as my friend. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Liar, liar, pants on fire

I, too, was shocked by how I reacted upon knowing that he really had a thing for that girl and up to what level their friendship has reached. At first, I couldn’t believe it, remembering the words that came out of his mouth that he didn’t like her. And that if he did, he would have told her but he didn’t, so that was that. After everything has sunk in that the probability of that being true is actually high, given the proofs of being on the texting level and remembering how someone told me that just the two of them would go out, I got jealous and all insecure. 

I thought (okay, I still do) that he liked/likes me. And now that we aren’t on that texting level, maybe he really doesn’t. That going out level, I can justify for he had sort of asked me out a lot of times already but I had relentlessly declined. That made me really sad. Now that I have been looking forward to a future with him and writing about him in this blog. I don’t know anymore. It just got me sad and thinking and wanting to cry.

So what now? Does this mean that what we have is nothing but just mere friendship? I don’t know and I can’t confirm, unless I ask him, but then I won’t so I don’t get the point of me rambling in here.

But really, after a while, it got to me that what made me sad was not because he like(d) her or that we are not on that texting level yet. Rather, it’s the fact that he lied to me. 

And now that he has, he might do it again (later in the relationship, if we ever get to that).

The Little Things

You do not fall in love because of his grandiose gestures that try to win your heart. Nor with the flowery words that are all sugar and everything nice, trying to make you believe in something quite ridiculous when you come to think of it. In fact, those aforementioned things are the ones that make you doubt the relationship, or the person itself.

Rather, you fall in love by the way he treats you, the way he talks to you, the way he treats his mother, or the way he talks about his passion. You fall in love by how his custom reaction with certain things or the way he opens up to you or gives you lecture on anything as simple as proper diet and exercise. You fall in love by how he gives you uncalled-for attention. Or how he simply rubs his eyes and gleams up to you a smirk after a light slumber.

Similarly, it’s also in the little things that make you fall out of love with the same person. How the magic isn’t there anymore when he talks to you, or the gleam in his eyes and smirk after waking up next to you. Or how he doesn’t seem to be interested anymore. Nor do you.

It’s all in those little things that you fall in and out of love with someone. It’s in those little things wherein I want to keep all the magic and sparks and never let them lose life and light. It’s all in those little things that make me want you more and spend my future with you. Because right now, I can’t think of anything more perfect than falling more and more in love with you each day.