anonymous asked:

Hi I've been dating my boyfriend for about three months. I feel like when we're alone he has a completely one-track mind and I don't like saying no to him, but he makes me feel really uncomfortable sometimes. I know he wants more but I'm not ready to deliver. I really don't want him to break up with me but I'm not mentally prepared to take the steps he wants to take and I'm kinda scared to tell him this. tips?

First and most importantly: you should be dating someone you aren’t scared to talk to, and who doesn’t make you feel like expressing your wants and needs and boundaries will make him leave. Anyone who makes you feel like their affection and desire for you comes with strings is not anyone you want to have in your life. Period. End of story. You can do better.

Tell him you’re not ready. If he breaks up with you, he does not care about you and you are significantly better off without him. If he continues to pressure you, please know that that is coercive, and wrong. If he says anything like “Well, if you don’t sleep with me I’ll break up with you,” that is coercive, and wrong. If he says he’ll tell people that you did anyway, or spread any other rumors, that is coercive, and wrong.

Coercive rape is sexual intercourse that comes as a result of pressure and manipulation — in this case, emotional manipulation. Your boyfriend, though he may not realize it because our society is a horrifying ocean of gendered violence in which we are all struggling not to drown while simultaneously pretending we’re enjoying a picnic on dry land, is acting like a sexual predator.

Do not do anything you’re not comfortable with. 

First of all, it just won’t be fun; if you’re not ready, it won’t feel good. The entire point of having sex is to feel good. (By the way, it doesn’t have to hurt the first time. That is a myth perpetuated by the misogynistic idea that women are less interested in sex than men, and it’s a nice little loophole for men to get out of making sure you are comfortable and happy before having sex. Sometimes it will regardless of how turned on you are — sex is nerve-wracking the first time.) 

Second of all, you should not put your needs behind someone else’s out of fear. Someone who is asking you to is someone you need to excise cleanly and neatly out of your life, forever. You deserve to be treated well and with respect. This is hardly respectful.

My tips are that you tell him you are not ready — just like that, no wishy-washy “I don’t think I’m ready” or “I’m not sure,” just “I’m not ready for this” — and if he reacts in any other fashion than “perfectly fine,” dump him. If he spreads rumors about you, shrug when someone confronts you with them and say, “That isn’t true, but it’s cute that he thinks I care what he says about me.” Then tell people he has a tiny penis. And mace him if he comes near you again.

A Supervillain

Just for once, I want to be with someone who doesn’t have me paranoid about them hurting me. I want to find a person that gives me a sense of security, like when I look at them, I’m not worried about the mess I’ll become after they leave. The thought of heartbreak won’t even cross my mind.”

"God, just for once I want someone who won’t run away when things get tough, someone who won’t leave me in ruins and expect me to be able to put myself back together. I want someone who will try their very best not to break me, but if they do, they’ll be there to help me stitch myself back up and kiss my scars, both old and new; someone who I know will stay for as long as they can. Is that too much to ask for?

—  excerpt from a book I’ll never write #34
When your son comes home with his fists clenched and his eyes swollen shut from crying, take notice. Listen to his feet shuffle up the stairs like dead weights that he can’t lift. Be aware of when he slouches, no matter how many times you tell him to sit up straight. Listen as no sounds come from the bathroom, even after hours of him being in the shower. Pay attention to him watching t.v late into the night or spending too much time on his phone because he can’t sleep. Do not ignore the dark circles under his eyes and yell at him to go to bed earlier. Do not be oblivious if his grades start slipping. Do not ignore the empty look inside of his eyes, like two bottomless pits that will never be filled again. When he falls out of his usual habits and becomes too tired to do the things he loves the most in this world, take notice. Do not become angry with him or call him selfish or unloving when he shuts you out. Please, do not be like your parents. Do not make him lock the door behind him.
—  Be the parent yours never was.