Afraid to lose control
And caught up in this world
I’ve wasted time, I’ve wasted breath
I think I’ve thought myself to death
The shuttle bumped across the gravel, my bag shifting in my lap. I tightened my arm around it so it wouldn’t hit the lady sitting beside me. I willed my grip on my phone to relax and my face to erase the feeling of panic. I stared at the dark buildings we approached, the headlights cutting through the humid morning air.
The herd of navy blue flowed into the building and I walked in unison, blending with the crowd. I exited the elevator, my feet carrying me into the new portion of my life. I walked with all the confidence I could muster into the room where the nurses were gathered.
The day quickly spiraled, report was fast and the charting archaic. I struggled. For the first time in 3 years, I struggled. I felt helpless and lost. I went from being confident and prepared to confused and unsure. I left that night with a knot in my stomach. I hadn’t felt so terrified in years. I took a deep breath and curled up in my bed. My head was filled with things I should have known, done, initiated but had been so bogged down in figuring out the charting that I hadn’t seen it. I hated myself for it.
Day 2 was better but I was still feeling lost.
I finally shook myself. I had to give myself a break- I was in a new state, a new city, new apartment, new hospital, new unit, new charting system…with only 2 days orientation. I realized then and there what is worse than being a new nurse.
It’s being a new-old nurse that has to backtrack and unlearn and relearn everything you thought you knew.