You didn’t just lose weight.
The weight was incomparable.
Incomparable to the hair,
The bone density and the passion.
Incomparable to the smile on your face and the glimmer in your eyes.
Totally irrelevant, in comparison to the nails and the teeth; even the nutrients in your blood slowly wasted away until your heart could barely beat.
That little heart kept fighting, for you, though.
It struggled on beat by beat and so should you.
Why? Because there’s no adulation in anorexia.
There’s no congratulations or looks of admiration. There are just blank stares from the people who once knew you, looking at your broken shell.
There’s no fucking medal or badge of honour. It’s not impressive.
But what is impressive? Standing tall, healthy and proud, saying ‘yes, I have anorexia nervosa. But it doesn’t have me anymore’.
—  Remember what it took from you.
Positivity.

Okay, I’ve just realised, relapsing won’t lead anywhere.
I’m going to try harder. Push harder.
I can do this.
Restricting my intake, starving myself, excessively working out is nothing that could solve problems. Never ever.
But recovery is. It’s the only way.
And the only way out of the situation I’m stuck in, is through.

anonymous said:

lately i am feeling so unmotivated with recovery. its hard for me to see the bigger picture or why i should keep going with it because i just cant see a future for myself. eds suck :(

allow me to get a little recovery warrior on your ass here

if you can’t see the bigger picture, break it down into smaller, more attainable things.

maybe you have really good hair. you wanna keep that hair on your head and not in the shower drain? recovery is probably your best bet there

do you want teeth that chip skylark would sing about? purging won’t help with that

wanna be able to sit through a full movie with your friends, or a an episode of the office on netflix, or even a 3 minute youtube clip without zoning out? give your brain some food, it helps a lot more than you realize

you don’t have to see your life 10 yrs from now, 5 yrs from now…or even a month from now. just see yourself getting through tonight without self destructive actions. 

i believe in your future and i dont even know you!!!!! that’s pretty cool

Thank you (yes, you).

Last year around this time, I was so glad about autumn coming. I was happy because I would get to wear big sweaters. And long thick running pants. I was happy because a cookie binge would not look like I was sick. I was happy for red hot wine to make me happy. I was happy that it was getting so cold in my flat that I’d lose weight shivering. 

This year, I am happy for pumpkins, because I want to carve them, and eat them. I am happy for plums because I can have them every single day. I am happy for leggings in the gym and cute knit heads in the wind - this time, there will be healthy, long curls falling from underneath it, curls I did not cut or starve from their beauty. I am happy for chocolate fondue and baked apples and thick creamy soups.

I am alive for this autumn.

Thank you, healthblrs, fitblrs and fellow recovery warriors for giving me back my life. Thank you, friends.

x

  • My therapist:Look at nature. Look at flowers. We never walk into our garden and say "Oh wouldn't that flower be so much more pretty if it were taller? Or red instead of pink?" No, we don't. Because nature was created perfect just as it is. And so are we. We are part of nature, we are how we're meant to be, we are perfect just as we are.
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