"All because of you, I believe in angels, not the kind of wings no, not the kind with halos. The kind that bring you home when home becomes a strange place." 

-Rise Against, The Good Left Undone

The Belief

I believe in beauty. I believe in beauty where it’s hardly found. 

I believe in beauty in the overlooked, the underground.

I believe in the green of the trees, the red of their berries too.

I believe in this whites of the clouds, the hue of the sky-blue.

I believe in the sun, the rays of light it extends.

I believe in the moon and the day it ends.

I believe in the warmth and the chills down my spine.

I believe in the wind, seen only by the blind.

I believe in the heights of mountains, and the clouds too.

I believe in the vision of man, the space it reaches through.

I believe in birds, their musical chirping.

I believe in the cars passing, the hum of engines working.

I believe in the drone of a bee, the sound small and true.

I believe in man’s footsteps, the destination it leads too.

I believe in the rain, the mood it entails.

I believe in lightning, and the thunder that trails.

I believe in happiness, the peace that it brings.

I believe in hate and passion, the strength that it sings.

I believe in the person, though intentions unclear.

I believe in family, all those whom I draw near.

I believe in life, the death that joins too.

I believe in more, though unknown to be true.

I believe in words, and the message they send.

I believe in stories, the connections they blend.

I believe in beauty, everywhere it can be found.

I believe. I believe. I believe.

I don’t think anyone understands depression unless they deal with it themselves, first hand. So many people claim that happiness is this simple fantasy of just being in the right mindset. Programming yourself to look at the day and smile because it’s easy to move your muscles to create this lie for yourself that it’s actually a good day, that you actually are comfortable with your circumstances, that you can find the good in a bad situation. That may work for some, but for some like me, it doesn’t. We’re either too pessimistic or too realistic in how we interpret things. It’s easy to find a negative or two before we find a positive. It’s hard to grab hold of happiness, because we know how fleeting it can become. We don’t find the value in making ourselves feel better, only to hurt again. Sometimes its easier to continue with the burden you have than to relieve yourself, only to add more later. 

I made the foolish mistake of letting go of some of my pain, and it only came back. That feeling of isolation, the feeling of guilt for simply existing, it’s all back. I thought I had moved on, but I forgot what depression can truly do to a person. It can wait, it can hold out, and return at any moment and become the devil in your ear, reminding you of how worthless you are. How much of a failure you have become, how you don’t matter, you aren’t appreciated, and everyone around you is just waiting to lie to your face and mock you, hate you, despise you, judge you. It can quickly twist your mind and so easily too. Make you believe that the closest people to you don’t care. That you will never meet anyone who will understand you better than him. And depression begins to sink his teeth right into your veins, he gives his poison, and it controls you. He consumes you.

A battle of depression is no battle at all. It is a war. A constant war that will never end. Once infected it is always there. He will always come back, always be right next to your ear with another slanderous comment to destroy you. It’s the devil himself, whether an atheist or not, he exists for you. It is a war of attrition. If you find happiness, you better hope it lasts for some time, because you know deep down that its going to fade. That people will leave you. That you won’t be able to hold on for too long. You will always meet struggle, conflict is right around the corner for you and your best bet is to just hide. He tells you all these things. And you give in, you believe it to be true because you saw it happen before. 

It’s that very thought that destroys you though. He’s in your head, telling you all this, but you think it’s yourself being honest and real. The only reason happiness fades is because you let it. The reason people leave is because you let them go. You become weak, and no matter what you do you think you lost the strength to carry on because the world crumbles in your hands. And it’s your fault. 

And that’s how depression wins. He turns your own mind and body against you. Your heart suffocates underneath the pressure. And you no longer have free will. You just live day in and day out wondering what could make you happy again. But your heart is silenced by your mind that you think is on your side, though it tells you nothing can save you. 

I realized all of this tonight. After I watched my own two hands turn against my body again. After years of winning this battle, I collapsed, and I watched my hands cause pain and harm to myself once again. I thought I had escaped, and I never realized that it was so close to me this entire time. Hiding in the shadows, waiting for me to stumble. 

Looking at myself now I feel so ashamed and disgusted. That I allowed someone get to me this badly. That I can’t even reach out to anyone in specific for help. That I would rather sit here and let my pride be my downfall and consume me once again. I’m ashamed that I can’t even reach out to this person anymore. Because I’m afraid of what he’ll think, how he will respond. I’m ashamed to reach out to friends because I don’t want them to get the impression that I’m weak, that I actually need them. That I need help. I don’t want help. I don’t want pity. I want to win, believe me. And I know I can’t do this alone, but I struggle. And watching myself reach for a lighter and holding it up to my arm terrified me. I can’t believe I have reached this level again. That I’m struggling with this again. 

I’m ashamed to have this weakness. I’m ashamed to admit it. I’m ashamed to admit that another human being has destroyed me this easily. I’m ashamed that I forgive him. Ashamed that I forgive this devil. Ashamed that I still con’t forgive myself. 

Please, to whoever I send this to, whoever reads this message, just understand that a friend who is struggling is not someone to overlook. Please. Don’t let your friends down. If you put a person into your life, treat them well. Love them. Care for them and never let them go until they hurt you or give you good reason to see them off (But still forgive). You never know the struggles that your friends endure. You never know the pain in their pasts, the scars on their wrists, thighs, or hearts. This goes for any person who makes an appearance on your life. Love them. Forgive them. People are fragile.

The human heart is such a beautiful and innocent thing. Don’t let it go to waste. If you love someone tell them because you may never get another chance to see them again. Always, always, always, tell someone how proud you are of them, how happy you make them, how glad you are that they came into your life, and how you couldn’t imagine a world without them. Remind them with words, remind them with kisses, remind them with hugs, and don’t ever forget the look on their face when you retract. Because there is a great chance, that for once in their lives, you made them feel like they belonged, like they deserved to be alive, that they can win this war. There is a chance that you saved their life with that simple act of honesty. A simple glance of vulnerability from one person to another is that person’s saving grace. Don’t ever forget that. It’s not just people that suffer depression that need that though. Everyone needs to see that. 

This scares me to write. Its honesty, its vulnerability, its content, everything about this is something that I wish no one would ever see from me. But I think people need to see it from a first hand account. I think people need to understand that there are familiar faces that suffer these battles and these heart aches and these pains. But we need our eyes to be open. We need to see what the world can sometimes cause. And we need to respond with love. Most of us don’t want to ask for help. But I’ll be damned if I stop myself from loving a person who suffers this.

I wish I could remove the scars from your hearts, If I could, I would take your burdens and carry you to safety. If I could I would shower you with all the love that the world could give you and make you feel alive, and beautiful, and worthy of all this love and affection. Because you truly do. You truly, truly do. Believe it, give that to yourself, and see the difference it will make in your life. And don’t hesitate with the next friend you see and just frankly state how much they mean to you. if you can love yourself, and bestow that love to others, you can help conquer depression. Whether people wanted your help or not—they need it. And don’t ever, for a second, believe that someone is strong enough to make it on their own.

I Seriously

Cannot help but to smile today. I don’t know what was slipped into my many cups of coffee or food today; but I have been feeling so free for some reason and everything today just worked out in some way or another that I can’t help but think there was some kind of benevolent being above. Real talk.

I spent the beginning of my day rushing through homework that I had neglected, and I was horribly afraid of not finishing it on time. I remembered it luckily when I had about 15 minutes before I had to leave. I got about half of it done then. Then, my Philosophy professor was kind enough to let us out early for no real reason other than he felt like it. That gave me about 20 minutes to completely finish my homework with time to spare, which was for my class right after that. 

That previous night, I had been working on a monologue for my performance class as well. I had them picked out the day they were due; but in a blind scare, I switched them both the day before they were due. So today, I had been fretting over them from 8am until approximately 2:30pm. Meanwhile, I had classes to focus in and everything but my mind was in a thousand places. But then the class I have right before my performance class was canceled! I seriously stood in amazement when I read my phone’s email. It took my breath away to have two amazing things to happen to me.

So this gave me an additional hour to panic and rehearse my monologues. In the end, my two-minute/two-scenes went by and I survived and felt so good about them. Our teacher commended us, and finally my classes were done for the day. When I got out of that building and finally home, I just sat still for a good five minutes and wondered how in the hell I survived something that would have stressed me to tears the year before, and this time all I did was smile. It had been forever, but I actually thanked God out of pure mystery of what exactly happened. And that was my busy, hectic, but somehow perfectly calm (minus right before I performed) day.  

My Personal Feelings Rant

With the escalation of my life this previous month from both course work overload, family discrepancies and life throwing more curve balls all around me in my social life, I found myself becoming more and more introverted and trying to think about things for myself. At times I was able to confide in people, and I made sure I did do this at regular intervals. I began making people a priority to talk to so that I could specifically complain. I slowly began to realize how I was sabotaging these relationships all around me. Yes, there are some people out there genuinely seeking to help me and listen to me. And for those people I am indebted greatly. However, there are people who want to hear simply for the sake of hearing. It’s nothing wrong, and I don’t blame them. I find myself often searching for the drama and problems of another life to contrast to my own. And most of my problems are stresses that will only enhance my life further along the road. I know my life is heading uphill right now. Sometimes being reminded that life isn’t always like that is nice, but when its at the cost of another individual I become a little self-loathing in that I know I shouldn’t want to hear someone else suffer, but I feel like I need to in order to appreciate my own life more. 

In congruence with that, I have found that over these past couple of weeks, my life has compiled many stressful events all at once. With a quarter life crisis and a desire to get a change in degree, family assaulting my personal values and beliefs, and having friends come and go or stay but exist in a different space have all waned my patience greatly. I feel like when I do talk to the people around me about my problems, and they are the people who respond positively and with advice, comfort, and concern; it’s the best feeling in the world. It’s a natural high that I have found myself clinging to desperately. I became mad with a desire to feel appreciated, cared for, and an almost desire to feel like people need me. I grew into a fantasy that I knew was in some ways true, but still a struggle that needs to be seen realistically. 

My problem lies in words. I seek verbal or textual confirmation of such things in life. I seek these moments in life where someone tells me how they feel about me. When someone tells me that I mean a lot to them, that they love me, that they just want to see me smile again— I feel every bit of their emotion and I can’t help but get tears in my eyes and realize how important I can actually be. But there lies a problem in that. I can’t reciprocate that feeling all too often for that person. I realized that a lot of times when people are genuine with me, I either laugh and try to move on, or I say thanks and move on. I struggle with this inability to really express myself. I have found that my past self-confidence (read: lack thereof) left me in a place where I never believed people when they said those things. I remember at one point not even believing my parents when they said they loved me. There are times when we feel completely abandoned and disregarded by the society around us that we forget the people around us. We forget those people who have been standing behind us with their arms outstretched, holding us up, but also ready at any moment’s notice to catch us. They are always there but we refuse to turn around and see them because life has taught us to never look back. But sometimes that is exactly what we need. 

We need to be able to look back. We should see where we have come from, how far we have come along, and the people who have been back there since day one, supporting you and loving you more than even yourself. Life moves at an incredible speed, and if you don’t stand still for a moment to appreciate those people and the moments you share with them, you become jaded. I learned this through personal experiences. I woke up to a reality of my life that I have never seen before these past weeks. I have been able to turn around and realize that the people in my life are my driving force, my reason to keep pushing forward. I have my personal reasons for surviving and continuing on. But I know that without the people behind me, when I fall, I would take longer to get back up, I would focus on the cuts and scratches that I received, the bruises that hurt, the pain that burns. I would be stuck in a pit of pain and misery. Yet my friends are there, they stand in those pits with me, they grab my hand, and they remind me that there is a road ahead, there is a future for me, there is a better existence waiting. But most importantly, they remind me that there is happiness. There is love. It’s out there, and it exists within us all. You only have to stand still for just a moment, turn around, and look at the people who are standing there, their arms raised, they’re ready for you, they’re willing to help you, their love and support exists, and they are there. But just as important, that all exists within you as well. You just can’t be afraid to see that. You can’t fear yourself. Love yourself, and you will soon find that those cuts and bruises fade, those moments of agony will dissipate, and the loving, warm embrace of your friends and family will lace their arms around you and squeeze so tightly that it will take every burden you have ever felt and lift it from your shoulders and cast it aside. You will then find that road ahead, the obstacles you will face, the burdens you may have to carry. But at any point it is perfectly acceptable to turn around again to receive that confirmation. Don’t be afraid to receive those smiles, and don’t be afraid to smile for yourself as well. 

You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don’t think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully.
—  Anthony Robbins

Oh today. 

It’s been such a flurry of emotions that I can’t even begin to understand where I am right now hah. My body is running on low energy thanks to a special someone who stays up till 2am texting me. Then suddenly I’m awake at 7 because my roommate is laughing to himself and I realize I only have an hour left of peaceful sleep. Sigh. 

Then throughout classes, I just felt like everything was collapsing on me. I felt like everything I was doing was just a failure after the next. And when you’re in your major courses and all you can hear is how you’re doing something wrong, you just want to give up. After being near to tears with my mom on the phone, I realized just how pathetic my day has been. But the entire time I was being uplifted constantly. That same person texting me at night was texting me through the day and if it weren’t for our plans later tonight I don’t think I would be trying to finish anything I have left to do. I honestly would have given up so hard.

This person will probably never read this. But I just want to say what a day you have made this to be for me. Honestly, I could not have survived today without you.

If there is one thing that truly hurts me, truly crushes my bones— it’s that every night I must sleep in the very bed where we first truly met. It is no longer in the same room, thankfully, but every night I am reminded of how it all began, and can only cry from the pain of realizing also where it shall end.

Things I Base My Life On:
  • My emotions
  • Anything but logical thought
  • Analysis of other human beings and their likely responses and reactions to events.
  • TED Talk videos
  • Disney movies
  • Quotes that are excerpted from random books and philosophers.
  • Songs in both music and lyrics

I recently listened to this song again. I loved this video so much the first time I saw it, and I just felt like watching it again and again. It inspires me for some reason.