When I got men’s attention, I felt it gave me some sense of self and a bit of importance. Somehow, when I turned twenty-two years old, I decided to shave my head. I had beautiful long curly hair but I was so sick of men looking at me that I thought I would make myself look ugly, and then they would stop looking at me. I hated these glances at me. I wanted to annihilate my body. Later on, my mindset changed and I did the complete opposite: trying to cash in with the way men seemed to be drooling looking at me. And gosh it worked…Working on and off as a sex worker for a total of eight years was for me a decade lost in hiding. Hiding from my pain, hiding from my brokenness, still living the PTSD symptoms of abandonment from my father…I learnt to ‘dissociate’ for hours at a time when men were putting their penis in my vagina. I didn’t really want to have sex with them; I just wanted the big dirty money that my father never gave us as children. As an artist, the performative aspect of these actions was an investigation to further my practice. Yet, I discovered that this exploration was to come at a high price. I also believed that this was my way of being the most sexually liberated woman I could be. After all, I was a post-feminist: someone who uses her sexuality to gain power. In fact I was fighting a real sex addiction, and a misunderstanding of what letting men and women use my body as a commodity was doing to my soul.
Sai quando non riesci a dormire e pensi a mille mila cose ed i pensieri si accavallano, ma poi in un modo quasi miracoloso trovi una qualche spiegazione, che seppure assurda, in quache modo funziona? O riesci ad avere quell’idea geniale che ti svolta un problema? Quello. Quei mille discorsi e propositi perfetti che nella tua mente filano alla perfezione… Ma poi la mattina purtroppo dimentichi tutto. E la routine ricomincia. Ti lasci trascinare dall’abitudine e dal terrore di affrontare le tue paure, dalla pigrizia e malvolentieri vesti i tuoi soliti panni.
Ma ora qualcosa me la ricordo e vorrei dire a te che avevi ragione, a me che non ho il coraggio di dire altro. Buonanotte
—  Citaz.

Take a Look at Your Future: Mariana Cindy Quach

Academy of Art University alumna Cindy Quach was among the designers who showed their collections at Fashion On The Square in #SF. Cindy is a Bay Area based apparel and jewelry designer and previous contestant on #ProjectRunway. Full story: http://bit.ly/1mOm9Kt

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The lovely @chingchongquach Yvonne Quach nominated me for the ALS ice bucket challenge and although I do not really think this challenge is valid, I still won’t back down from a challenge #bravesoul indeed. I nominate @anthony_keanu Keanu Mumpar, @wigglytough Ronnie Estoque and @juansa2997 Juan Sanchez. Here is the link to donate: http://www.alsa.org/donate/ #icebucketchallenge #als #awareness #video #fuckit

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Dance through your day with Parasite Single’s Official Music Video “The Hunt” on FDRMX