SE7EN Deadly Sins: Pride

Seven Deadly Sins: Pride

I looked up images to post about this sin, and all I could find was rainbow flags and famous people. Since I love Tom Ford so much, this will have to do. 

Pride is tricky. I think because for the most part it represents this high worth of self and being vain and shit. I don’t think this is what I’m thinking about though in context of this particular sin in the series.

Pride can be a lot of other things, besides your appearance. It can be this ‘holier than thou’ persona, or rationalization that makes you feel superior and everyone else below or beneath you. I think I feel like that a lot of times. Especially in my family and among the people who call themselves my friends. I don’t necessarily feel narcissistic or above them, but in certain ideals and thoughts, I do feel that way. I’m going to keep this relatively short, mainly because this is more of a personal nugget of truth.

I want to change that thought, or at least open myself to the rest of the worlds thinking, that doesn’t have to resort to arguing over email/internet or over any other stupid thing IRL. Every time I make a bold statement, and justify my thinking and conclusion I often feel this bout of guilt — very later on though. Never initially. It’s a funny thing, pride. While people are proud to never beg, a lot of them are too proud to admit when they’ve been shitty people or condescending. There’s a fine line between realizing that thought, and just arguing for the sake of it or rejecting possibilities.

Pride is more than just a physical illness, its a disease that should never be acknowledged as its own entity… it’s counter productive to the whole ‘being a good human being’ thing.  

SE7EN Deadly Sins: Wrath

Seven Deadly Sins: WRATH

I guess it only makes sense that there are times where I want to shoot myself in the face. A huge pet peeve of mine revolves around the one thing I love and hate the most. The Internet. At work, though, I have to teach people in 2012 how to use the internet.

The thing that annoys me the most and literally makes me seeth at the thought of.. is that I’m computer savvy. If people have the internet, I assume that they can use it for the most part, right? I mean, am I wrong to think that most people already know what LOL means? They do right? I’ve heard those stories. About the silly Mom that LMFAO’s and Tweet’s her most random soccer-mom thoughts. 

The one thing I think that sucks about my daily aspect is the part of my job that has to take in calls from customers or clients that don’t know how to use the website. Now, unfortunately I don’t just specialize in one part of the art process when it comes to work. I’m a social networking manager, and I’m also in the customer service department, mainly because like I mentioned in my last post — The Jewish family I work for thinks its better to bunch up a bunch of responsibilities in order to underpay and under value my expertise. I’ve hated customer service for a long time now, especially since I have a degree and don’t need to be helping idiots find out how to Google or email a picture. 

This is the part of the Wrath sin. I get rage thinking about people who don’t know how to use the internet. THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ON THE INTERNET. WHY DEAR GOD ARE YOU CALLING TO ASK ME IF YOU HAVE AN ACCOUNT. WHY DO I NEED TO STOP WHAT I’M DOING, TO HELP YOU LOCATE THE ‘HELP’ BUTTON ON THE WEBSITE? It’s marked in red… it says HELP. Flashing. 

I think its more-so my impatience for stupidity that just makes me angry. I know that common knowledge isn’t common, but damn dude. Really though? Like these people are idiots. Fucking, idiots actually. The worst part is when you attempt to be helpful and I can’t help but giggle when I get stupid ass fucking questions, they get angry. I’m sorry, I’m not 65 trying to use the internet. One time I got a lady asking “WHY DON’T YOU GUYS MAKE IT EASY LIKE FACEBOOK MAKES THE INTERNET EASY?” Well Señora Dip Shit, that’s because we’re not Facebook. Can you believe people still don’t know what the fuck PayPal is? Like are you for realz right now? Stop. My head hurts just thinking about it. On top of a day where I’m kinda stressed out a lil bit, it doesn’t help one bit. I want the weekend to be here already so I can stop stressing the fuck out and just sleep. 

I think at the end of the day patience really is virtue. I’ve learned to control a lot of huge outbursts from customers, and I usually just take it as a grain of salt. Today was a perfect example of that, not only because these people were legally retarded but they also spoke in Spanish. I love being Latino and shit, I’m all about it.. but it was just a little too much at once. And I don’t know if you’ve ever spoken to anyone in spanish but latino sarcasm is worse than regular old sarcasm. It’s always frowned upon in this culture as being disrespectful, and after a while… speaking to customers that don’t know how to type or press buttons.. or better yet FOLLOW DIRECTION is insulting and disrespectful to the very core of my education. The sense of entitlement bothers me, but the pit of my stomach disagrees. So at the end of everything I’m at odds with what I know is morally wrong - and what I feel. I don’t want to be a dick, but stupid people get me beyond angry. I feel bad afterwards, followed by a greedy thought of “Fuck I hope my boss doesn’t find out..” resulting in a “Fuck this!” and a quick forgetful Pandora track change. I wonder how normal is it to disdain so much based on so little? I have no idea, but I don’t think I’ll ever find out. There are far too many people in the world to test that theory out.

So basically, I paid over $30,000 just to hear people that can’t log into a simple account? Really though.

SE7EN Deadly Sins: Greed

I’m feeling a little inspired by the recent shit that’s been going on in my life. Whether it be with people or things that have been going on at work.. I feel like there are gross things all among us. We either choose to reject and they go unnoticed. Or we tackle them and solve another life equation. I think that I’m gonna start off with the following.

Seven Deadly Sins: Greed

AT WORK:

We work closely with USPS to do some stuff at work. A customer has had her package lost in the last 5 months of working with us, and it was neither of the parties’ involveds fault. This shit just happens sometimes. Things get lost with USPS.

She has been calling from Australia almost every week since October of last year. I feel bad for her, because as of right now there is nothing I can do for her. I can’t refund her, and I can’t compensate her for her time, phone calls, or her order. We had strict rules to investigate so that we can find our merchandise… but I work for a Jewish family that would rather have children starving than to give them back their food. 

This lady started crying on the phone. I felt bad for like 4 seconds because as a company, a brand, and with rising sales… even I know it’s shitty. I’ve worked for large company’s that have bended backwards for their clientele. And this company as much as they threaten me to be nicer to our clients and smile more… (I’m the token office bitch, because I call people out a lot) I couldn’t help this lady. But they didn’t make the effort to find a solution for her problem. Any typical good hearted company or boss would’ve taken the loss and given the customer her money back or compensated her in whatever way he could. But he shook his head at me when I brought him the issue and said “Give her the runaround”. Like, for serious? I’m not the nicest when it comes to giving shit to people when they demand it and are undeserving… but this lady had no fault in the matter.. even though we didn’t either we should be able to do something. Take the loss and call it day. We can get like 40 more customers for every which one we lose. 

This bothers me, because my boss is probably the nicest/chillest dude you’ll ever meet. But when it comes to money… he’s the most money hungry son of a bitch on earth. 

I’ve bitched at companies before, but I can’t do anything about this. It sucks, and I felt bad for like 4 seconds as previously mentioned, but it only took those 4 seconds. I just remembered that I’ve been off for about a week and more than likely will not be able to pay my rent next month due to a shitty paycheck. Why do I stick with it? Because as much as I hate the shit that’s done here - This is my foot in the door. This is my shot to show everyone that I can be a great creative director. That I have vision and the drive to do what needs to be done. I’m a minion of demons and I don’t have to be…. but then again I suppose I have that greed inside me as well. I need my money, and I hate when people fuck with my money. I’m not talking about 99 percent/1 percent talk either. I’m talking about that individual need to own shit, to post shit online, to get attention whatever way you can. Whether it be with money or with something else. Greed comes in many different shapes and sizes.

It’s up to us to reflect on those specks of negativity that dwell within us.

Basically.

However. I believe that if one wants to party - one should be allowed to have access to affordable healthcare, good education, a stable economy and equal opportunity employment & equality in marriage.

Can’t have a party without: Poor life choices/Plan B, a good job, cash to spend on said party (alch), better pay for Women and Gays. Can’t party without the Gays.

The word 'Friends' is a generalization.

No matter what anyone says, your friends aren’t who they say they are. They’re ghosts and shells of memories you shared and stored in your mind, because that’s how you choose to remember people. Feeling so disconnected from the people who swore their loyalty isn’t as bad or negative as you would think. It’s liberating, actually.

Why care about those, who refuse your loyalty. Fuck it, I’m better off disconnecting and moving on. I’m loyal to myself, because at the end of the day I won’t let myself down. Live, and let live. 

Rituals

I wish I could permanently tattoo eyeliner on my eyes, because I’m going to wear it for the rest of my life till I die in the sky.

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They will have to bury me with all my eyeliner glory because they won’t be able to pry it from my cold dead hands.

ATTN LA Followers

I want to live here — The Alexandria. I keep hearing that it’s not very safe. I’ve gone to seen it many times, but the reviews on Yelp are scary as all hell. I need a good/safe place for me and Oscar baby, and I really like the location.

Also, it’s haunted probably and that drives me incredibly insanely happy. Any reviews, or thoughts?

Too old for online dating.

My super awesome and slutty partner in crime was the unfortunate one of my friends that witnessed me get my heart broken last Wednesday. It was a quiet slow painful death type of situation, and so naturally being the raging alcoholic that I am I got drunk. Best idea ever. So after the crazy debacle that was the worst date/first time meeting whatever, I went to a bar and cried like I was psycho Sally crying to Brand New blasting in the background. I regret this, but hey - whatever. I was feeling emotional, and my underpants were a crime scene. This is still even a mystery to me, but here goes the shenanigans:

Exactly 17 days ago, I had a friend request from a random friend of a friend. It was really weird, and I get these often but I never accept. Naturally right? Like who are you person? Why do you want to befriend me? I don’t know you and you definitely don’t want to know me, trust. So I decided to do what we all do when we’re presented with a situation like this: I added him to see how cute he was. I was surfing through the lurkbook that were his Facebook pictures and I noticed he was actually pretty okay looking. Alright, I guess that wasn’t a total loss - but still, who IS this person?

*DING DING* Oh, its Facebook chat and my exciting new semi good looking friend saying hello. Jesus that was quick. I spent a whole 3 minutes lurking and he already wants to chat. Eager beaver, over here. Okay, I was bored and so I humored the idea of making a new friend out of this facebook stranger. He was actually pretty cool, go figure. At this point I’m at work, and since I’m not usually allowed to be on facebook when it isn’t marketing related, I turned over to g Chat, because that’s what the grown ups do. More-so that’s what I do when I kill time at work… chat with my friends via email and gchat. He was really cool. This turned into about 3 days of emailing/chatting when it went to texting. He text me every morning. We corresponded a full 72 hours at this point. It was a pretty natural progression - I think I had just made a really cool new friend. This was nice, because I love meeting new friends when they aren’t creepy and he didn’t seem creepy so yay me. Except that he wasn’t creepy, or just cool. He out of nowhere became totally awesome. Rad, even.  On day 7 he invited me to his band show thing. I’m so weirded out by meeting internet people that I honestly did not feel like even attending this thing. He asked me every day if I had thought about possibly going. We shared music tastes, made jokes, smiley emoticons galore and he flirted endlessly. It was nice because I was totally off guard for this. He was just too cool to be real. 

I make it no question that I have enemies, and so naturally my paranoia kicked in and I automatically assumed this was a sick cruel joke. It had to be, this guy was too cool. Day 11 and I was smitten. What!? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU GIRL? Y THO. We had our first conversation and it was funny. I was so nervous. Later on, my paranoia kicked in again. I started getting some red flags in the conversation that just didn’t really make sense. Being the forgiving person that I am, I scrutinized this idea in my head that he was a big bag of shit for about 4 hours. I obsessed over this strange feeling I was getting that I knew so familiar… oh yeah. It was my instinct. Duh. I know you dear friend, you always come in when I need you. OF COURSE my heart was like “No way giirrrlll do this thang.”

So I ignored Mr. Instinct. Over looked these red flags (1. Memory Loss / 2. Little white lies). Whatever, I’m being crazy. I went out the next night with my BBF (best bud forevz) and I went to wing-woman him at a bar in Highland Park. A few drinks later, I somehow realized that I had this intense crush on this stranger. Why? I have no idea. I confessed my honesty about being nervous, and I still negated to see him at his show on Wednesday. I’m too old to meet people from Facebook. This isn’t Myspace time anymore, dude. No one does that. People are supposed to meet organically when you’re in your mid twenties. I guess not, though. Things via text got a little heavy flirty that night in Highland Park. I had the chance to meet up with him, and the invitation for cuddle makeout possible naked time was definitely on the table. I declined it though. I didn’t want this to conclude anything else with this guy. I kept thinking how I don’t want this to define any relationship I was going to have or not have because I was drunk and horny. This is silly. I need to grow up. I was SO proud of myself. I’m always down for my stuff because quite frankly, I never care. But I cared, enough to say no even though I was dying to discover his body. I finally agreed to meet him at his show. I got my best outfit, and went in with a brave face. I was ready to get this over with. BBF was declining on it though. He kept telling me “Steph, this is just a bad idea. Don’t meet him at his show, this just seems weird.” I was already there so this was too late. Do or die, now or never.

BBF (best bud) was right. This was a bad idea. I went to his show, and when I saw him he was so much more adorable in person. His smile, his style. Completely on point. I was like “Hell yeah”. But, he ignored me most of the night. I understand though, because this was a big night and he was performing whatever. Cool, I get it bro. But no.. something was different. He made so much of an effort behind his phone/computer and in my face I got nothing but the cold shoulder - and basically sat near the bar by myself through the ENTIRE thing. Three bands played. I was alone the entire time. Best bud went to try and hit on some girls, to leave me alone and chat with him but.. that didn’t happen evidently. When it was over, I just got a pat on the back and a question “HEY DID YOU LIKE US?”. Yeah, they were actually really good which just makes the entire experience suck even more. I couldn’t take the embarrassment so I jammed out of there. I said my short goodbye and took off running. I couldn’t do this. This did not turn out the way I had hoped. I was rejected, and I felt stupid. I tried so hard not to cry, but I was pissed. Bud and I went to a bar afterwards, and I just let it out like the crazy bird that I am. I cried. Why did I feel so stupid? Did I make up the last 13 days? Did I read everything out of context? He wasn’t flirting when he said he wanted to cuddle was he? I hate cuddling as it is, and now I abhor it. What did I do wrong? Why did I feel ugly? I don’t feel ugly any other day of the week, and that moment in time I felt hideous. How do you lead someone on, and then decide that you don’t care anymore? Why do people want to excite others only to enjoy the disappointment after? This boggles my  mind. 

Who cares. I got drunk and gave a cute guy my number after that. I have no intention of answering or calling him, but I guess this was an ego boost. Maybe I’m not a lagoon creature. I’m cute. Best Bud then let me have it: “He’s not interested”. Yeah, yeah yeah. I have the fucking book. I’ve seen the movie, and I memorized the Sex and The City episode. Why did I still feel so stupid? Because I liked him. Or I jumped the gun, or whatever other over analyzing that women do, do in situations like mine. I let my guard down when I knew I shouldn’t. I blatantly ignored my rational realistic side that borderlines on the pessimist side, but always proves me right. The next day, he text me. This was good right? I responded, and I never got a text back. I saw that one coming a mile away. I deleted him of Facebook on day 14. Maybe it was premature. Maybe I took it somewhere incredibly dark and sad. But I needed to do that. I felt like I needed to restore the balance in my sanity. I needed to freeze up my heart again. He didn’t deserve me in my most diva-Beyonce-giiirrlll-shasayshante-RnBQueeness that I am. No one deserves me in my best, if they don’t want to see me at all. Blah blah blah empowering the big beautiful black diva that I have in my soul still doesn’t make me feel good. I was great 17 days ago when I didn’t have this seed of doubt placed in my head. I didn’t have this version of reality, and now… that’s all I can think about. 

I’m trying to forget. My coworkers are telling me to speed date, to get a rebound (aka a f-buddy). My best bud is telling me to open myself up - “Try okcupid.com, try something new”. I tried it, and I feel so terribly awkward. I don’t want to look for anyone. I’m so good at being alone, and I enjoy it more than I let myself admit it. I like doing as I please with no one’s permission, and I’m open to any possibility, but this just nailed me down. 

I’m too old to date online, but young enough for it to be normal. Why date? It’s terribly confusing and wretched and completely intolerable to thick skin. But no one likes eating last nights left overs watching reruns of Anthony Bourdain on Netflix alone. I mean, my dog can only keep me company for so long. I had butterflies. I initiated things, and I was ballsy. I smiled a lot, and I didn’t feel like I needed to impress him. The last time I acted like that I fell for a mutual friend who did the exact same thing to me. And the time before that, I ended up with someone for 5 years.

"We admit to the truth, we are the best at what we do". Are we though? I’m good at being distant. Not because I’m afraid, but because I’ve just always had to deal. I’d like for that to change, and I’m working on it. I’m just not interested in being that desperate girl that wants to date every person she kisses when she’s drunk and tries to make something out of nothing. I’ve had a meaningful relationship, the one that doesn’t develop from being drunk at a party one night. The important ones for me, come out of thin air. 

sekzi timez

I’m want to post things that are sexy because right now my hoodie is covered in boogers, flem, sickness, death and cancer due to my illness. I want to stab myself in the face, I feel terrible. However, there are a plethora amount of things that will make me a happy girl and so I will sit here and fantasize about exuding the confidence and fierceness that is deep down inside of my tiny frail frame.

Like dis:

We live in a sad world, when all people post on their tumblr's is pictures of Kate 'cokehead' Moss over Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Forever promoting the dopest of human beings in life ever. On the real, my grandfather was a huge civil rights activist during his time with Cesar Chavez, and highly respected and admired Dr. King. It’s awesome to know that Dr. King is Lia’s favorite person ever, too.

Raising good miniature humans is what it’s all about.

Lately all I keep thinking about is how I should’ve just shut the fuck up. Like, I don’t say how I’m feeling for a reason, and then something big and scary proves me right for being a feeling hoarder. Talking to doc makes me feel like I’ve buried so much shit in the past and now it’s coming back to bite me in the ass. It was much easier to sweep things under the rug and forget about them, but I never realized how sentimental I actually am to little things. This new wave of emotions this month is leaving a lot of room for feeling like shit from the most unlikely places. It bugs me that I used to let all of this shit go - but it also bugs me that people remain set in their ways to change, but constantly make themselves out to be a victim. I often wonder if I’m doing the same thing. Doc said I’m trying to project so that I don’t feel so bad - a side effect of moving on so quickly without proper means of dealing I guess. It makes sense. I just wish it didn’t have to leave me so fucking sad when I want normal things like a general sense of stability, a nice apartment and a decent love interest that isn’t going to make me feel like shit for being crazy or isn’t going to judge me based on the fact that I am definitely crazy. There is no truth in words anymore. 

I’m almost 30 and I’m writing about how I feel. What a disaster.

Conundrum.

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