Too old for online dating.
My super awesome and slutty partner in crime was the unfortunate one of my friends that witnessed me get my heart broken last Wednesday. It was a quiet slow painful death type of situation, and so naturally being the raging alcoholic that I am I got drunk. Best idea ever. So after the crazy debacle that was the worst date/first time meeting whatever, I went to a bar and cried like I was psycho Sally crying to Brand New blasting in the background. I regret this, but hey - whatever. I was feeling emotional, and my underpants were a crime scene. This is still even a mystery to me, but here goes the shenanigans:
Exactly 17 days ago, I had a friend request from a random friend of a friend. It was really weird, and I get these often but I never accept. Naturally right? Like who are you person? Why do you want to befriend me? I don’t know you and you definitely don’t want to know me, trust. So I decided to do what we all do when we’re presented with a situation like this: I added him to see how cute he was. I was surfing through the lurkbook that were his Facebook pictures and I noticed he was actually pretty okay looking. Alright, I guess that wasn’t a total loss - but still, who IS this person?
*DING DING* Oh, its Facebook chat and my exciting new semi good looking friend saying hello. Jesus that was quick. I spent a whole 3 minutes lurking and he already wants to chat. Eager beaver, over here. Okay, I was bored and so I humored the idea of making a new friend out of this facebook stranger. He was actually pretty cool, go figure. At this point I’m at work, and since I’m not usually allowed to be on facebook when it isn’t marketing related, I turned over to g Chat, because that’s what the grown ups do. More-so that’s what I do when I kill time at work… chat with my friends via email and gchat. He was really cool. This turned into about 3 days of emailing/chatting when it went to texting. He text me every morning. We corresponded a full 72 hours at this point. It was a pretty natural progression - I think I had just made a really cool new friend. This was nice, because I love meeting new friends when they aren’t creepy and he didn’t seem creepy so yay me. Except that he wasn’t creepy, or just cool. He out of nowhere became totally awesome. Rad, even. On day 7 he invited me to his band show thing. I’m so weirded out by meeting internet people that I honestly did not feel like even attending this thing. He asked me every day if I had thought about possibly going. We shared music tastes, made jokes, smiley emoticons galore and he flirted endlessly. It was nice because I was totally off guard for this. He was just too cool to be real.
I make it no question that I have enemies, and so naturally my paranoia kicked in and I automatically assumed this was a sick cruel joke. It had to be, this guy was too cool. Day 11 and I was smitten. What!? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU GIRL? Y THO. We had our first conversation and it was funny. I was so nervous. Later on, my paranoia kicked in again. I started getting some red flags in the conversation that just didn’t really make sense. Being the forgiving person that I am, I scrutinized this idea in my head that he was a big bag of shit for about 4 hours. I obsessed over this strange feeling I was getting that I knew so familiar… oh yeah. It was my instinct. Duh. I know you dear friend, you always come in when I need you. OF COURSE my heart was like “No way giirrrlll do this thang.”
So I ignored Mr. Instinct. Over looked these red flags (1. Memory Loss / 2. Little white lies). Whatever, I’m being crazy. I went out the next night with my BBF (best bud forevz) and I went to wing-woman him at a bar in Highland Park. A few drinks later, I somehow realized that I had this intense crush on this stranger. Why? I have no idea. I confessed my honesty about being nervous, and I still negated to see him at his show on Wednesday. I’m too old to meet people from Facebook. This isn’t Myspace time anymore, dude. No one does that. People are supposed to meet organically when you’re in your mid twenties. I guess not, though. Things via text got a little heavy flirty that night in Highland Park. I had the chance to meet up with him, and the invitation for cuddle makeout possible naked time was definitely on the table. I declined it though. I didn’t want this to conclude anything else with this guy. I kept thinking how I don’t want this to define any relationship I was going to have or not have because I was drunk and horny. This is silly. I need to grow up. I was SO proud of myself. I’m always down for my stuff because quite frankly, I never care. But I cared, enough to say no even though I was dying to discover his body. I finally agreed to meet him at his show. I got my best outfit, and went in with a brave face. I was ready to get this over with. BBF was declining on it though. He kept telling me “Steph, this is just a bad idea. Don’t meet him at his show, this just seems weird.” I was already there so this was too late. Do or die, now or never.
BBF (best bud) was right. This was a bad idea. I went to his show, and when I saw him he was so much more adorable in person. His smile, his style. Completely on point. I was like “Hell yeah”. But, he ignored me most of the night. I understand though, because this was a big night and he was performing whatever. Cool, I get it bro. But no.. something was different. He made so much of an effort behind his phone/computer and in my face I got nothing but the cold shoulder - and basically sat near the bar by myself through the ENTIRE thing. Three bands played. I was alone the entire time. Best bud went to try and hit on some girls, to leave me alone and chat with him but.. that didn’t happen evidently. When it was over, I just got a pat on the back and a question “HEY DID YOU LIKE US?”. Yeah, they were actually really good which just makes the entire experience suck even more. I couldn’t take the embarrassment so I jammed out of there. I said my short goodbye and took off running. I couldn’t do this. This did not turn out the way I had hoped. I was rejected, and I felt stupid. I tried so hard not to cry, but I was pissed. Bud and I went to a bar afterwards, and I just let it out like the crazy bird that I am. I cried. Why did I feel so stupid? Did I make up the last 13 days? Did I read everything out of context? He wasn’t flirting when he said he wanted to cuddle was he? I hate cuddling as it is, and now I abhor it. What did I do wrong? Why did I feel ugly? I don’t feel ugly any other day of the week, and that moment in time I felt hideous. How do you lead someone on, and then decide that you don’t care anymore? Why do people want to excite others only to enjoy the disappointment after? This boggles my mind.
Who cares. I got drunk and gave a cute guy my number after that. I have no intention of answering or calling him, but I guess this was an ego boost. Maybe I’m not a lagoon creature. I’m cute. Best Bud then let me have it: “He’s not interested”. Yeah, yeah yeah. I have the fucking book. I’ve seen the movie, and I memorized the Sex and The City episode. Why did I still feel so stupid? Because I liked him. Or I jumped the gun, or whatever other over analyzing that women do, do in situations like mine. I let my guard down when I knew I shouldn’t. I blatantly ignored my rational realistic side that borderlines on the pessimist side, but always proves me right. The next day, he text me. This was good right? I responded, and I never got a text back. I saw that one coming a mile away. I deleted him of Facebook on day 14. Maybe it was premature. Maybe I took it somewhere incredibly dark and sad. But I needed to do that. I felt like I needed to restore the balance in my sanity. I needed to freeze up my heart again. He didn’t deserve me in my most diva-Beyonce-giiirrlll-shasayshante-RnBQueeness that I am. No one deserves me in my best, if they don’t want to see me at all. Blah blah blah empowering the big beautiful black diva that I have in my soul still doesn’t make me feel good. I was great 17 days ago when I didn’t have this seed of doubt placed in my head. I didn’t have this version of reality, and now… that’s all I can think about.
I’m trying to forget. My coworkers are telling me to speed date, to get a rebound (aka a f-buddy). My best bud is telling me to open myself up - “Try okcupid.com, try something new”. I tried it, and I feel so terribly awkward. I don’t want to look for anyone. I’m so good at being alone, and I enjoy it more than I let myself admit it. I like doing as I please with no one’s permission, and I’m open to any possibility, but this just nailed me down.
I’m too old to date online, but young enough for it to be normal. Why date? It’s terribly confusing and wretched and completely intolerable to thick skin. But no one likes eating last nights left overs watching reruns of Anthony Bourdain on Netflix alone. I mean, my dog can only keep me company for so long. I had butterflies. I initiated things, and I was ballsy. I smiled a lot, and I didn’t feel like I needed to impress him. The last time I acted like that I fell for a mutual friend who did the exact same thing to me. And the time before that, I ended up with someone for 5 years.
"We admit to the truth, we are the best at what we do". Are we though? I’m good at being distant. Not because I’m afraid, but because I’ve just always had to deal. I’d like for that to change, and I’m working on it. I’m just not interested in being that desperate girl that wants to date every person she kisses when she’s drunk and tries to make something out of nothing. I’ve had a meaningful relationship, the one that doesn’t develop from being drunk at a party one night. The important ones for me, come out of thin air.