I have been locked away in inpatient for a whole month today and I wish I could say things have improved or my days are brighter and more hopeful. I so wish I could say that those in my care listened to me, treated me as an individual and listened to Esther and not just seen the illness. But sadly, things have not only not progressed, things have just come to a stand still. I am still allowed no passes, no alone time with my husband, every request has been denied, my meal plan has not been care planned for me to suit my needs. Everything that i have voiced that helps me in my recovery that I know from experience which could be beneficial to me has been rejected. I am not a person. They have taken away my identity, I have forgotten who i am in here. I feel so far away from my sense of self.
I had high hopes for this admission. I was mentally prepared to fully engage in the programme and give it my all. I had given up so much for this opportunity and i didn’t want to waste it , however they have totally bullied me and singled me out on so many occasions. I feel devastated.
Every morning , I wake up in tears, full of anxiety. I walk around on egg shells frightened that they will take more from me. I am constantly apologising to staff, believing they are against me.
I am so depressed in here. This admission has been incredibly destructive for me.
I had my CPA on Tuesday , and they gave me a discharge date.
The 21st April… one month to go tomorrow. There is an end. I need to gain 5 more kg to secure this otherwise i will be made to stay longer. My only hesitation to this plan is that they have given me no practice, no home leaves, canteen or self catering to practice. i will go from nothing to absolute freedom… Sure they would have fattened me up and got the weight on but in terms of my mental recovery they have only done damage.
I feel wrecked.