As a cis-male poly blogger, I think some people do look at my blog and ask if this is what their cis-male partner would do? They fear that I love Z more because that is what they fear would happen to them.
What’s funny is that I have felt — because of my family history and as a Afro-Caribbean Latin@ — that I needed to write justify why I love Z. My needs, my processing, are to explain to myself and an audience that is not reading my blog why my relationship with Z is nothing like the infidelities of machista men (like my father). In my cultural experience, the worry isn’t that I’d leave Wife. I am a patriarch. That doesn’t happen. It’s not an option. The question — in my cultural experience — is whether/when I dispose of Z. That isn’t happening. (Total “does not compute” error on either of those leaving them options!)
It seems that, by addressing my needs, I’ve tapped into the fear of people with a different cultural experience. Theirs is a world where the people playing the role of “Wife” fear having commitments broken, fear being loved less than someone else, and fear giving up sexual exclusivity. However, theirs is not Wife’s world. Wife has told me, “It’s ok if you love her more. I don’t fear it anymore.” Do I love one partner more? No. It’s actually a silly notion (as I’ve discussed) because each person is different and meets different needs. Their fears are not wife’s fears. So it’s not something I need to process, assess, practice in my writing.
Thus, not only is their fear not addressed here, but it is also self-fulfilling. The point of my recent reflection was that such fear would be as self-fulfilling for me as it would be for Z or Wife. We’ve chosen to reject those fears in our relationships. That doesn’t mean we won’t, on occasion, have to beat those fears back again. Fear can have a flare up!
These different perspectives are why I continue to answer these questions regardless of tone. Of course, that has a line. I think their aren’t more bloggers in my position, or who write as raw as I do, because it’s tiring to have people not assume best intentions, expect perfection, and want happy endings. My life, while on display, is not a sitcom.
Oh and those asks, reblogs, replies, that offer advice — it is a very white / male / economic privilege to offer help where none is requested. I wish they would check that privilege before offering it up. My preference is for readers to butt out. That’s in real life too. If I don’t ask for help, don’t offer it. (Z is the same way!) When I need it, I will ask. I’m an autodidact. I like to figure things out on my own.
Bottom line: reader — If you hate me, it’s ok. Just commit to reading and maybe you’re hate will dissipate. Several of you have expressed your gratitude for this blog. I’m also grateful for the reader support in this journey of ours.