I don't want to be here
Sometimes in meditation I think something like:
I don’t want to be here.
It’s a very simple phrase, that has a lot of implications.
I’ll try to break the sentence down:
- "I": who is that? Who exactly is doing the wanting? Is it the "real me"? The unconscious in the sense of a bundle of acquired habits that demand control? There is a accumulative term for those: THE EGO!
- "want": The above question is "who?", but the better question would be "where?". The "where" shows me, what this "want" really is. Is it an urge? A passion? An instinct? A reflex? A habit? The classic term is DESIRE
- "be": One of my professors in philosophy once postulated, that most of the philosophical debates are based on a grammatical problem, since you can say "being" without any qualifiers. The actual meaning of "being" is to combine two words like "I" and "hungry" into "I am hungry". In his opinion phrases like "I am." or "knifes have part in the being." made as little sense as saying "Cologne is between". Since the field of ontology (the field that looks at what “is”, or the “essence” of everything, esse is just being in latin, so this word doesn’t really help in that regard) is a book with seven seals for me, I use being as another word for “non-doing”, which I am more comfortable with. I would also argue, that there is also an “spiritual being”, which isn’tto be found in the above phrase, since it’s about resistance, ego and desire.
- "here": In English and German "here" is a place in time and a place in space. The good news is, that when I think the above phrase, I am not really "here", since I am blocking the moment out. So technically, my wish, not to be "here", becomes true, because I perform this thought. Sweet escape! The bad news: I left the only place, where the magic happens.
Bottom line: When I think “I don’t want to be here”, there is no “I”, no “want”, no “being”, no “here”. It’s just noise.