23.

I’ve been having such a hard time. I’ve never felt so lost and angry for such an extended period until this year, and it seems that when shitty things happen to me, they like to occur in chains. This whole month has been terrible, and it’s not because of the AP Exams - but those went pretty bad, too. This year in general, was just a major decline and in a way, I can’t even blame Junior year stress or whatnot because my classwork hasn’t been negatively affected until May. Yeah, the final stretch of the entire year - fantastic timing.

It all kind of kicked off with my inevitable rejection from the Chief Editor position in yearbook. The entire time I was writing the essay about myself, I knew deep down inside that I wouldn’t get the position regardless of how eloquent I was. I had heard that the supervisor played favorites and even those who recommended me for the position told me that she said she wanted me for graphics editor. I suppose it was all fine and flattering, up until my individual interview with her which had to be rescheduled multiple times and eventually resulted in a group interview which is basically the most indirect form of sabotage there could possibly be. First, she and the current Yearbook Committee, weeded out the shy and awkward people - which all coincidentally happened to be Asian - and placed them in a group interview, where she barely even spoke to each of them. How could anyone decide if a person was capable for a job in an environment like this, where such superficial tactics are being used to evaluate a person’s potential? How could anyone prove themselves to be worthy of a position if they were barely even given a chance to speak? Throughout the entire interview, I knew it was a lost cause for the other three people accompanying me in the room - they were so quiet, truly living up to the pre-mature judgment of the Committee. Results were meant to be distributed the following day during third period and I already knew how it was all going to play out. When I opened the letter, I wasn’t angry because I didn’t get the position I wanted - but frustrated because of how I lost it. The entire time, the supervisor placed such emphasis and what I now consider to be unnecessary importance to the whole proceedings for selecting members of the 2013 committee just to justify the selections she had probably already mentally made prior to all of this. A person that did not even initially consider applying for the position of Chief received it and the Committee in general is just a disappointment because of the poor representation of the 2013 class. Not surprised.

I actually considered rejecting the Graphics Editor position because I didn’t want to subject myself to unnecessary torture that is guaranteed to be involved in yearbook during my final year of high school - that, along with four AP’s and college apps would just be informal suicide. I decided to take the position because I think I would regret I more if I left it up to someone else.

Besides that, internal conflict began brewing because I received a rush of bad grades - all at once, ‘cus you know, that’s how I roll and imagine I practiced moderation in any aspect? Junior year was the first time I ever took school so seriously, especially during the months of October and November where time-management and I had an especially intimate relationship because of my obligation to the swim team. My grades aren’t exceptionally fantastic, but I do well enough to attain a sense of self satisfaction and when everything just started crashing down - I didn’t know what to do with myself, I still don’t.

Regarding AP’s and SAT2’s, the timing was just so wrong. It’s the worst feeling ever - knowing you have the potential of getting a 5, after doing all those practice tests and then knowing that you didn’t. My brain just wasn’t interested in life during May.

Especially in Tech, grades are a foundation for everything, and mine weren’t even that great compared to others.

For a school to pride its academic community - it sure kind of treats its students crappily. I mean, I’m thankful for the teachers that I have and I try not to bash on them because they’re just doing their job of trying to give us a quality education, but to put it kindly, we, the students, are not the only ones in the school that have to realize that there is a world outside of Tech. Everyone in Tech lives a sheltered life. Teachers expect everyone to constantly be cooperative and continually hand in high quality work - and God forbid you miss a homework, because we all know that the world stops its revolution for a missing homework; meanwhile students expect everything to be done for them and expect every teacher to be likable - teachers aren’t here to entertain us and there are definitely far worst out there.

I know Theodore Roosevelt once said that “Comparison is the thief of joy,” but what he didn’t mention was how comparison is essential and used in everyday life - colleges and careers base their selection and creation process on how well someone does compared to another; looking at other classmates grades now is basically the closest emulation of the regional competition for a seat in a college anyone is going to get.

The fact is, I don’t know how I can compare. I’m not particularly good at anything and as of now, I don’t like anything. I’m so jealous of those who are ambitious and have a general idea of who they want to be. I’m just unmotivated to do anything anymore and because of that, a really good portion of myself doesn’t even want to go to college - but I’m Asian, and that’s probably the biggest sin around, right up there with murder.

It’s not the numbers or the grades that bother me directly - it’s my mindset. I hate school and I don’t want to waste my time in college, but the future makes me anxious. If someone had asked me a couple of months earlier for my opinion on what’s to come, I definitely wouldn’t have had such a bitter disposition on the topic - a couple of months ago my future looked a lot brighter because I had managed to narrow down my possible majors into two fields: art or engineering. As time progressed and more so this week than any other - I began losing interest in engineering as a possible field for myself because I’m terrible at math and I don’t think I would like the working environment. In terms of art - I have mixed feelings about. It’s all just so hard. When I went to my college interview, my counselor didn’t even talk about the possible art schools on my prospective list and only focused on engineering; that made me so frustrated because it seemed like she wasn’t taking my interests seriously. I honestly don’t even want to go to college at this point. 

This year, I’ve changed - I know it, too. Sometimes I would find myself behaving so artificially during conversations as if to match my newly transitioned introverted self - I need to put up a fake front of being more outgoing. I don’t feel as close to all of my friends as much as I used to, and even though a person is supposed to lose some and gain some as life progresses, these losses were really my fault. I’ve never felt so lonely before, as if everyone has forgotten about me and they’re all just carrying on with their own lives and plans, while I’m still sitting here lost in a foreign desert, barren of any ambition or motivation. I don’t expect them to sit around waiting for me to catch up and I don’t expect them to help me either, not because they’re tragically cruel people, but because I don’t want it. I don’t need help conquering a personal problem that was self-inflicted and it’s just a matter of ending this self-pitying and self-denial phase on my own. Hopefully, taking the summer off, devoid of any excessive commitments will help me find my way again.

All in all, I think I’ve lost myself when I’ve never even found myself to begin with. In this mind frame, I’ve probably sabotaged my own being and development - so I’ve fallen into a rut and I think this is the end for me. I’m permanently tired, exhausted from a life that has barely even started. 

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