It was as if with every gesture and “I love you” that he uttered, in subtext I felt as if he was always saying “never love me so much that you have to sacrifice yourself and everything you are for me”. And whenever he said “I  love you” back, there was a little voice in my head who bluntly replied that I would never even consider loving him more than I love myself, and if the moment came, I would give him away for something that’s completely worthless compared to how much he meant to me - and I would simultaneously regret it forever whilst not caring at all. I  hear this in my head nearly constantly, and it makes me feel guilty for kissing his lips and telling him that I actually care about him.


At any given time, we can have the things we love most taken away from us. They can find love in someone else’s eyes, crumble and rot in the dirt, or get lost in a crowd at a carnival. In our triumph we can lose hope, even the established friendships that we promised were going to last forever gently fade. Today I witnessed the most loving mother besides my own have her children taken away from her by her abusive drug taking alcoholic ex-husband. It makes me question all the love and justice in the world, and whether kind hearts can ever win in a world where money, greed and hatred seem to always win the trials of our life. It makes me sad, because I saw her sons; with rounded cheeks and wide smiles, turn from babies into young boys – and my heart stops beating whenever I think of how the last time I kissed their foreheads would be my last. I can’t even begin to imagine how she feels.