Color Run

The Color Run was amazing. I ran the three miles in under 25 minutes (which I’m very proud of.) It truly is the happiest 5k on the planet. I ran into a couple people which I surprised me because I didn’t think I’d see anyone I personally knew. The color throw at the end of the race was insane. I couldn’t see anything but flying corn starch. I think its safe to say I’ve inhaled and sniffed up a lot of corn starch. People got me square in the face with pink and orange cornstarch. This morning after my shower I found red cornstarch on my Q-tip. 

Photo credit goes to Jen for taking a picture of us trying to take a picture. HAHA! 

Dear Future Boyfriend,

You don’t have to prove yourself to me. Just be you. You don’t have to surprise me by taking me to a fancy restaurant because I might not even have something fancy to wear. Just take me to a park where we could have a midnight picnic and hopefully by that time I know how to swim so we could go swimming in the lake. Or let’s go on a long drive. We don’t have to know where we are or where we’re going. We could lay in the back of your trunk and watch the stars at night. Just something totally simple is all I ask.

For our anniversaries and my birthdays, please don’t shower me with expensive jewelry or designer shoes, handbags and whatever is insanely expensive. Remember its the thought that counts.  

Let’s cuddle and play with each others hands. You probably won’t understand how much you mean to me and how the simplest things you do make me melt. Run your fingers through my hair as I fall asleep on your chest. Randomly surprise me with kisses and hugs from behind. Please be my rock when I’m down and hug me when I’m upset. Don’t ever let go, wait until you see me smile and hear my laugh.

To be honest, just writing this makes me have butterflies… And as I’m typing this I’m still alone and single. I may not have found you yet, but I know you’re out there. You won’t be perfect, and neither will I but if you truly love someone then all their flaws and imperfections wouldn’t matter.

Until that day… until we meet. I’ll be here waiting and keeping a close eye out. And one more thing before I end this letter, I would like to thank you for showing me that I can be loved and what its like to be loved.

Love, Jeline.  

As much as I don’t want you to leave, your happiness would be one of my priorities. You’ve been there for me for the past 18 years of my life and I’m nothing but grateful and thankful for having you there whether I was fighting with mom or dad, was bored or if it was my turn to take care of you. I’m gonna miss you so much grandma. The fact that you won’t be walking distance is going to suck. I’m going to miss your stories, your cooking, how you laugh at people dying in horror films (which ends up making me laugh), and overall your presence. As much as I want you to be happy, I’m still worried; medical wise, that is. We can’t help you as quickly as we’d like to. You’ll be halfway across the world and even though you’ll have more people watching you all the medical related situations can get complicated.

But I’ll keep having faith and hope. You’ll be better there under the sun, toes in the sand and not being cooped up in a small room all winter. I love you so much. I’ll keep saying it so you don’t forget. ❤️

Dear Future Boyfriend,

Let’s start small. Let’s go out of town for a couple days and work our way to bigger adventures. We can backpack across the country. Can we try to step foot in every state? Can we get lost in cities we know absolutely nothing about? It doesn’t matter to me where we go, how we get there or how long we’ll be gone. Let’s just go. And once we backpack across the country can we backpack across the world? Let’s be adventurous and experience things we never would normally experience. Let’s just be free and careless. 

Can we just make these memories come to life so that when we tell our children about these adventures they’d think we’re super cool when in reality we’re not? 

Love, Jeline. 

If I could go somewhere that looked like this everyday, my mind would be at peace and clear from all the thoughts that bother me. Just by sitting on that swing and watching the waves crash on shore would make me forget about all the problems that constantly bother me. This would be my happy place. If only I could drive somewhere similar to this photo. If only. 

Tell them how you feel. Don't live a life filled with what ifs and I wonders.

Since Kindergarten, I’ve told every crush that I’ve liked them. And it was always the same remarks: I don’t like you that way, You’re not my type and I don’t think you’re cute/pretty. So basically, I was rejected every single time. It’s what I expected. It’s what I’m used to.

And in a way, it’s kind of given me a loss of hope. Like seriously, Jeline? When will you ever learn? But at the same time I moved on a lot quicker and of course crushed on someone else.

There was one person that I had a major crush on in high school. And he was the only one that I haven’t told that I liked him. I was scared. I knew he knew and clearly he didn’t see me like that but he kept me as a friend. Which ended up hurting me more.

Those three years were hell. He dated other girls, one of them being a softball team friend of mine. I guess what we had was complicated. Some days I felt we were strangers, some days friends and other days… more than friends. He’d come to me for advice instead of his girlfriend. He’d let me borrow his jacket. Whenever we texted he’d use winky faces. There were even times where he told me he loved me.

I should probably stop talking about him and get back to the point. I never told him that I had feelings for him and basically wondered and what ifed about us. I hate I wonders and what ifs. People shouldn’t be living a life of I wonders and what ifs. The whole point of life is to figure things out, to learn. We aren’t here to waste time and wonder. We have the capabilities to seek out the answers.

So the lesson here? If you like or love someone tell them. Even if it ends up having a bad ending. Sometimes, life can surprise you. But you won’t ever know unless you try.

Current Playlist on Repeat:

1. Play It Again - Luke Bryan
2. I Don’t Dance - Lee Brice
4. Goodnight Kiss - Randy Houser
5. Who I Am With You - Chris Young
6. Puzzle Pieces - Justin Young feat. Colbie Caillat
7. When She Says Baby - Jason Aldean
8. Skinny Love - Ed Sheeran
9. We Are Tonight - Billy Currington
10. Lettin’ The Night Roll - Justin Moore

I’m in some sort of country phase at the moment. My radio is forever on KBear. I find it ironic how I used despise country music and now it’s all I listen to.

A year ago…
I was self conscious. I was insecure… uncomfortable… and unhappy.
I’ve always felt that way about myself but never did anything to change it. Typical, right? It’s typical for a girl to post something like this. But it’s something I’ve learned to overcome. And I never would’ve thought I’d be in the position I am today. Before all this, this was a dream… an 'I wish.' It was something I thought would never happen.

A year ago, I was 164 pounds. I could barely walk up the stairs without having shortness of breath. I ate anything and acted like I didn’t care. I was self-conscious. I didn’t have any self-confidence and my self-esteem was darn right low. I could never see the positive things in me. All I saw were the negatives. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. 

Double chin, round face, flabby arms, pizza face, muffin top, a stomach that folded over two or three times whenever I sat down, gigantic boobs that caused me to not see my feet. 

Those were the things that I would point out. Those are the things I am self-conscious about. I say am because every now and then it gets to me. I may not have the flattest stomach, and my arms may be a little flabby when they’re dangling from my sides but it’s better than how I was before. Progress is progress.

Starting this whole thing would probably be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. Sticking to it would be the second. But thankfully I wasn’t alone. My best friend was with me every step of the way. Eventually, we influenced the rest of the group to join us. She forced me when I didn’t have the motivation. She was there making sure I didn’t cheat myself. We were both there for the same reasons. To lose weight. I never felt alone. I knew I wasn’t the only one. My best friend… I don’t know how she put up with me. Through all my complaints, through all excuses. She never let me give up. Not once. 

Before I knew it I lost 2 pounds. And soon enough I lost another 5 pounds. Then 10… 15… 20… 25.. 30… It was adding up. And I slowly found my motivation. I wanted that number to drop. I was never happy with the number and that made me work more. 

I lost 36 pounds without dieting. I seriously can’t remember the last time I weighed 128 pounds. I literally ate whatever I wanted. Never had to give up pizza and burgers. Just ate them in smaller portions. And even then, even when I had a slice of pizza or half the burger I’d feel guilty.

SIDE NOTE: You don’t have to go on crazy diets to be skinny. Eat things in moderation. Eat smaller portions. Don’t force yourself to not eat. I’ve been there, done that. Seriously though, I ate whatever I wanted and still got to lose weight. If I can do it, you can too. 

I would run two to three miles daily. I never missed a day at the gym. There were simply no excuses. I spent two to three hours at the gym daily. I would spend most of the time running. Personally, I was never into the idea of lifting weights. I was okay with running. It seemed to be working just fine. Nowadays, running hasn’t helped me lose the weight and get closer to my goal. If anything, its been helping me maintain the weight. Since I’m not seeing much progress (which bugs me) I’m slowly getting into lifting weights. 

If there’s one thing I regret, it would be not taking progress photos of myself. I can’t look back at all the hard work I put into. One of the reasons why I didn’t take the photos in the first place was because I didn’t want to see them…EVER.

SIDE NOTE: And to the people who are reading this. TAKE PHOTOS. No matter how humiliating they can be. Take them. It’s you’re own accomplishment. No one can take that away from you or say you haven’t changed. You’ll have the photos to prove that you have changed and that you have accomplished something. 

Since I don’t have progress pictures I’ll just list what I’ve noticed, what I’ve accomplished and what I’ve been proud of. 

  1. I went from a size 11 to a size 5 in jeans.
  2. My bra size went from a 38C to a 36B.
  3. I went from an extra large or large to a medium or small in shirts.
  4. My ring size went from a size 7 to a size 5. 
  5. I couldn’t wear size 6 1/2 boots because my calves were too big so I had to wear a size 8. Now, I can actually wear boots that fit me perfectly.
  6. I don’t have shortness of breath when I climb up the stairs.
  7. My face is clearer.
  8. I’m happier. 

It’s true.. when people say a lot of things can change in a span of a year. I may not be at my goal yet, but I’ll get there eventually. All I can say is never give up. Find ways to stay motivated. Find new upbeat songs to work out to. Find someone to be your gym buddy. Do whatever it takes to make you reach your desired goal. Losing weight has its rewards. Trust me, you’ll feel so confident and accomplished. It’s not as hard as we picture it. I’ve learned to not say no. (And I admit there are some things I say no to. I’m not perfect.) Just remember that by saying no, you’re only cheating yourself. 

 

"Best Guy Friend"

Having guy friends was something I found difficult. I was never really comfortable with the concept of talking and hanging out with guys. Part of the reason was because my father loves jumping to conclusions and thinks that every boy I talk to is a potential boyfriend. But the majority of the reason was because I wasn’t comfortable. 

Small talk was all I ever had with guys at school, even then the conversations would be about school and last night’s homework. It wasn’t until my sophomore year in high school where I began talking to guys. It was a step up from holding conversations about school and homework. 

My senior year of high school would be the year where I hung out with guys and my best friend Kate. It never occurred to me that girls thought I was a whore for talking and hanging out with guys. I was a senior and didn’t really care about what the underclassmen thought of me. I know I wasn’t sleeping around or making-out with a different guy every night. Having guy friends is a lot better than having girl friends. They’re chill and there’s minimal to none drama. It was exactly what I needed for my last year. 

Jay, (pictured above) would have to be the closest guy friend that I’ve ever made. His sarcasm and blunt attitude was something I needed. I needed someone who could tell things straight up without sugar coating it. Whenever I was down, his sarcasm and not so hilarious jokes would somewhat make it all better. He was my go to friend when I wasn’t happy and vice versa. He was the person I texted when I felt alone because all my other girl friends were busy with their own drama and whatever excuse they’d come up with. Looking back at how open I was to him is something I still find shocking. I never open up to people that easily; let alone have I had a boy come to me to talk about their problems and listen to what I have to say and feel.

During that time, the both of us had similar problems. We’d keep each other posted daily. Making sure our days were going well and if something was bothering us we’d reassure each other that its okay to open up and talk about it. There were times where I went to him crying. He was never really great at comforting me, but he was a great listener. That’s what I miss. I miss being able to walk up to him and talk to him about anything. I remember running up to him and telling something I found hilarious and he didn’t. Every now and then he’d laugh with me to make me feel better but the majority of the time he didn’t; he always shook his head and quickly changed the subject. 

The last time we spoke and seen each other would have to be graduation day. The both of us had busy schedules, and eventually he got into a relationship. I’m nothing but happy for him. He’s a great guy that deserves the best. I just wish he was still my go-to guy best friend.

Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

I say that to every person who has ever promised me anything. As soon as I hear the words, "I promise…", I cut them off and say that line.I take promises way too seriously and let’s just say its one of my pet peeves. When people over promise and continuously break promise after promise. To me, when people say, "I promise" it gives me hope. It gives me something to look forward to and when people break that promise, it becomes false hope. I’m a strong believer of hope. I’m a hopeless hoper. And I’ve had times where people continually broke their promises, who continually gave me false hope. And I think that’s why I take them so seriously. I don’t want anyone breaking their promises that they’ve made me. Hence, don’t break promises you can’t keep. 

Day 123/365: May 4, 2014

It’s A Text, Text, Text World: How do you communicate differently online than in person, if at all? How do you communicate emotion and intent in a purely written medium?

I find it easier to write online. I find it easier to express myself on here. Whereas, if I were to speak to someone face-to-face I’d probably confuse or not go into enough detail for them to fully understand. 

When I text people I’m guilty, I use emojis. I tend to overuse them. I feel like people take me too seriously when I don’t use emojis. I remember scaring someone when I needed to tell them something that just happened. She freaked out and thought something horrible happened.  

I miss not having a phone and not having any type of social media account. I miss being bored out of my mind and finding ways to entertain myself. I feel like because of technology my creativity and imagination sucks. Most of the time, I feel blank. 

Like right now, I feel blank. I don’t know where exactly I’m going with this. I feel like I don’t write as much when I’m not into the question it’s asking me. If its uninteresting then I put little to no effort. Maybe I shouldn’t follow the prompt and just whatever comes to mind.

One thing I need to do before the summers over: Have a bonfire. I’ve learned that some things are better off in the past; that it is okay to move on. Its time to say goodbye to what used to be and be optimistic about the now and future. I guess burning everything that reminds you of that person seems drastic but its almost giving you a fresh start; and being close to a fresh start is all I need.

Comfy is the best way to go.

A box full of less than a dollar shirts and free shirts from runs I’ve signed up for makes me one happy camper.

Loose shirts are my ideal and perfect gym attire. I’m not into wearing right tanks and shirts. I feel like everything just shows. With loose shirts I not only hide everything but I feel more free.

The sad part is that I have more comfy tees for the gym than regular clothes to wear to school, work, parties and so on.

Goodbye College Life.

I’ve came to a conclusion: after this Spring semester, I won’t be going to college in the Fall. I guess you can say I’m dropping out of college but to me, it’s more like a break. It’ll give me time to think things through and continue to learn what I find interesting and uninteresting for free. I feel like I’m wasting my time in college. Time and money to be exact. I’ve changed my major three times already and each time, I felt more lost, unsure and confused. 

Who knows if I’ll ever go back to college. Maybe I will. Lately, it’s more leaning towards the never coming back side. I mean… after all, it isn’t for everyone, right?

Just as everyone else that attends college, I’m unhappy and broke. I’m unhappy because I can hear my bank account crying as it’s quickly losing money for books and lab fees.  I’m unhappy because I haven’t found my place in the world. I’m unhappy because I know I can find myself and whatever I love and passionate about outside the four walls we sit in for an hour and fifteen minutes. 

If I do continue with this route, I can picture myself getting a degree and not knowing what to do with it. Stressing over the $50,000 dollars I’ve borrowed and owe back. Not knowing how to pay that off as I try to make a living for myself. This part probably sounds like I’m counteracting myself because nowadays you can’t get a great paying job without a college degree. 

Would I rather have a great paying job that makes me work more hours and spend less time with family or friends or have a descent paying job that gives me time to enjoy life? I hate how everything is about money. I hate the fact that a piece of paper controls everyone’s life…and maybe a person’s way of thinking. Money isn’t everything, sure it can buy you anything but it can’t buy you happiness. 

I don’t know if this decision is a good one but it’s worth a try. I don’t seem like I have nothing to lose. Who knows, maybe this will turn out to be something extraordinary. 

"An invisible constant reminder."

This has been taped onto my door for who knows how long and I can’t remember the last time I’ve read it. There was a reason why I taped it up, to remind me to live the life I want to live and remember. I haven’t quite done much of what I want to do. Lately, it’s to make others happy. It’s too the point where I’m telling myself I’m happy, when in reality I’m no where near happiness.

I was given the decision: drop out of college or continue. Part of me wants to because of all the money I need to pay off, because I don’t know what to major in. Everything I’ve majored in made me feel out of place. Like this isn’t something I’m truly passionate about. It feels like work other than something joyful.

Part of me wants to stay for my parents, for my grandma. They’ve pushed me to go to college and talked about how I’d get a better life having a college degree. And me not getting a college degree may make me happy, but to them… they’re never going to be fully happy with me for giving up.

What I wanted to really do was travel. Join a volunteer program abroad and help others who are in need. Sure you don’t get paid but just being able to experience something like that is rewarding enough. It’s a double win: travel and helping others.

I’m at the point where how much money I make doesn’t matter. I don’t want to be defined as how much money I’ve made. That’s not something I want to reminisce when I’m dying on my bed due to old age or something.

I’m not asking for a lot. I’m looking for something… something called happiness. Genuine happiness, complete serenity. I know I’m not the only one. I believe everyone’s number one goal is to be happy. We’re all seeking happiness.

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